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  • Writer's pictureEmily Eldredge

📺 IWFGG | The Need for Control





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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Hello hello, and welcome to Inner Work for Greater Good, my name is Emily Eldredge I am the host of the show.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: i'm the founder of ChangeLight Inner Work for Greater Good, and the creator of the ChangeLight System before I go further i'm kind of funny i'm like I just.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: I just dripped like coffee all over my front and in case you can't hear the ECHO I am literally in an empty room sitting on patio furniture, because I think I mentioned in my last episode that.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: I live in New York, my husband's been living in Arizona, and so he's moving to New York to be with me and.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So we spent the last week just completely cleaning out the House throwing everything in a pod and it's on its way to New York I just hope it doesn't break.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So anyway, if you're hearing an ECHO, even though i've got my microphone on that is why so episodes in the life of emily's life.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so, today I want to talk about this need for control it's funny because I even debated on whether I should call this a desire for control.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But I really call it a need for control because, as I talked about a lot in my work.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: If you talk about X files, we talk about these parts of us who feel you know they're carrying certain thoughts and feelings and impulses and behaviors and attitudes and beliefs.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: That cause us to behave in certain ways that cause us to feel certain ways that really almost make us feel like we're out of control of our own emotional reactions and our own behaviors, especially when those parts of us are triggered.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so, in a way, it really is like this need for control, sometimes we run into situations in our lives.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Where it's not about oh I sort of feel like controlling that you know it's like I have to control this and you want to jump in and you may not even realize that you're doing it, you may not even realize it could just be so.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So also automatic that you're not even aware that that's what you're doing or there are other ways in which we can feel very anxious about situations.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And, and then it's important to sit back and go okay what's really going on with me why am I feeling so anxious and a lot of times it has to do with.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Looking at what you can control and or feeling out of control of a situation or feeling like you don't have any control in that situation, and so it can really cause this desire this need really.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: need to control to control other people to control situation, etc, etc, or affect some kind of change in on the that person of those things, and so.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Actually, this came up with a client of mine, a couple weeks ago because she's dealing with a family situation.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And, of course, when you're dealing with a family situation and there's other scenarios involved.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Even a lot of different personalities you got a lot of family history there, we have a lot of different reactions to.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: The situation it triggers different things inside of different people.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so, sometimes you'll have someone who has a very controlling reaction and her case she had more of an anxious reaction, because she felt so out of control.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Of what the others and her family are doing, you might be able to identify this, I know that I definitely do I went through a number of years in which there was a situation in which certain innocent people were being.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: badly affected by this someone else's behavior and I not even realizing it I just jumped in and started to try to control the situation.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Not even thinking of it that way, I was just like Okay, we need to take care of this that I have to do this and, but what ended up happening was I became over controlling.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And there are reasons why we can become over control and there are reasons why we even have that impulse to control situations, what I ultimately discovered in that situation was that you're there was I want them in control.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: That wasn't in control and actually the fact that I wasn't in control call cause this impulse inside me to want to control even more.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so it's important to recognize when we're bringing that energy into a situation and the harm that can be causing us, as well as other people, and in that case.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: What ended up happening was I actually made a bad situation, I think I made a bad situation worse, even from my good intentions.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Because what I did, to try to fix things and help things and control situation that really was not within my control that existed, well before I came into the the bad environment that scenario.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Is that you know ended up backfiring.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So that's why it's really important for us to to really recognize what our needs are what we think our needs are the need for control our impulse to control.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Where is that coming from so as I always say if you haven't seen the previous episodes.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: of Inner Work for Greater Good, I highly recommend that you do, and especially the ones about Controllers for this episode, because this episode, as you can tell that this need for control this impulse.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: To control mostly comes from the type of inner struggle or exPower as I call it that I call an inner Controller.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: I call them in their Controllers because that's their primary behavior is to control you or part of you.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So what is it the poor have that impulse to control it's usually an inner Controller that's causing you to react that way it sees a situation.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: In which you're not in control or thinks it needs to change it, or it sees a part of you that it thinks it needs to mitigate that parts pain you're wounded.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so it tries to control that part, and so what ends up happening, though, is that we end up with these impulses we end up with these behaviors that are very controlling.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: As well intentioned as they may be, they still can be forms of control, I always want to honor the fact that we, you know.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: oftentimes the ways we behave they're well intended it's, not to say that we behave badly because we're bad people, or we have bad parts of us know as i've talked about with these inner struggles these exPowers as I call them.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: That really their intentions are always good, and so, when I talked about that situation that I dealt with in which I jumped in was trying to control.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: those parts of me those Controllers that were jumping in their their intentions were 100% good.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: They saw that certain innocence were being hurt in the scenario, and so they sought to fix it, but what they didn't account for these Controllers inside of me and media consciously didn't account for.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Is that there's only so much I could control in that situation that there were other people's behaviors and other people's toxicity.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And all these other sort of variables that I just couldn't control we're going to get into how do you deal with it, when you have.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: A controlling reaction or impulse or need, as I said so um The point is that we can be anxious about things that we can't control and and or that we try to.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Things that we can't control or we try to control things we absolutely can't control and so why does that happen well it's pretty simple fear.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: There are all kinds of fears that can lead to our desire to control a situation.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: It can be fear of you know, things getting out of control, it can be fear of someone getting hurt, it can be fear of us getting hurt.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: It can be fear of feelings, a lot of time, so, for example, if you're dealing, you know you've probably seen this and you may have done this i've definitely done this in the past.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: When someone shows a certain feeling, you know they start to show sadness or anger, or what have you we may have parts of us, you may have parts of you, I know I have definitely had parts of me.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: That wants to jump in there and try to calm, that person down or mitigate their pain or sort of container you know, there might be an impulse to will stop crying and want that person to change their emotional state.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: A lot of times that's because an inner Controller feels like that that first of all that that person if they get emotional that those emotions are out of control or out of that.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Your Controller that person's control, and so you might have a Controller that tries to stop that because it doesn't want it to get out of control or overblown.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But here's another sort of more subtle in hidden reason why we tend to have those reactions, obviously.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Let me just back up, we can often have those reactions because someone treated us that way.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: I mean it's so common that people have been told well don't cry you know crying is weak, and so there are people who will not cry or things that crying is bad because they've been told not to.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so, then they may have it in our Controller that tells them to start crying or tamps those emotions down.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But the point is that, when we have that reaction to someone else's emotions.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: A lot of times we're actually just trying to protect ourselves from having an emotional reaction so think of it this way, someone comes along or you know someone I care about.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: is crying and they're in pain and they're feeling really sad and I might have this impulse to make them feel better or try to fix it for them or.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Tell them to stop crying and you know or just always going to be fine it's going to be great everything's wonderful and just try to.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: To not to in some way or another, stop them from feeling those feelings try to tamp down those feelings, etc, these are control reactions.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: The reasons why often, as I said, because of our training, but also or you know, the way we were raised and what we were taught about emotions, but also because that person let's say they're feeling sad.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Their sadness might trigger some emotion within me that I don't want to feel.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So that person is said I care about them very much they don't want them to be sad It makes me sad to see them set so I tried to stop them from feeling sad to ultimately protect myself from feeling sad.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so that's also how an inner Controller it's just this interesting kind of subtle dynamic that happens.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: it's often also how an inner Controller can be trying to basically by trying to act on that person's emotions and tamped down their feelings actually is trying to control our feelings and keep us from feeling.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: As opposed to simply accepting that that person is feeling that way and going okay they're feeling that way.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: It doesn't mean I need to do anything about it, I don't need to control i'll give you an example, I don't know if i've ever shared this with you all.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But basically, when my husband and I first got together, and this is very common and ladies if you're with.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: If you're in a partnership, where your partner is like this you'll totally know what i'm talking about this is very common, especially with male female or maybe you could say masculine feminine.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: sort of energies in a relationship is that the woman let's i'll just for simplicity sake, in my case I would be feeling and emotion.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And I needed to talk it through with just us with someone my husband my best friend, so I need to talk it through with my husband, this was early on in our relationship.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And he would rather than sit and listen and be present, with my feelings.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Do you would immediately try to call you gotta do this, you got to do that, you shouldn't feel that way de de de de and immediately start giving me advice and telling me what to do and telling me how to fake and how I should feel instead.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and totally well intended he wasn't trying to hurt me, but he was trying to fix my feelings like in his mind it would be a one time to fix it for you.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Mind you, I didn't ask for my feelings to be fixed I didn't need him to tell me what to do you know.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: He was giving me all this stuff that I was like I don't need this, and not only that it was actually preventing me from having the experience that I needed to have, which was simply just to say how I feel without someone judging or.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: commenting or correcting or trying to change just let me feel how I feel, and so I finally explained that to him after this happened a few times I said okay hold on, let me just explain.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: When I tell you how I feel, and I just tell you I just need to talk about how I feel you don't have to do anything except listen.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: that's it just listen just let me talk about my feelings and he was like huh.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: How does that work, but he got okay i'll try it so he did and Sure enough, I would say how I feel when he just sit and listen and not his head.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: any sort of hold back on wanting to try to jump in and fix it, but then i've been like thanks for listening, I feel so much better, you know.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And I would get answers, while I was talking and i'd get whatever wisdom or insights I needed from listening to myself speak after a few times of doing this for me, you know what he said hey.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You know what Emily this he goes, you can say how you feel and just sit and talk I don't have to do a thing.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: In La it actually got him off the hook of feeling like he needs to control my feelings and also helped him realize.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: That his me to sort of try to control or mitigate my feelings was really more about trying to deal with his own anxiety.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: about seeing me and pain, but as he saw that just simply listening was enough he didn't have to fix it or control it.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: As soon as he saw the results of that and then add that actually work and had probably the same if not a better result.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: than if you, you know, had some you know some answer for me that I didn't necessarily ask for he realized that.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: We don't actually need to do this, and he became more comfortable with my feelings and more comfortable with his own feelings in response to mind okay.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So that's an example that I think some of you, ladies will probably identify with it, but the point is is when we're having that control reaction it's a fear based reaction.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: It can also be a trauma based reaction that we've had some kind of trauma in our lives, where we didn't have control where something happened to us, or in front of us, or to someone we love, in which we couldn't control the situation.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And what can end up happening is that, as we get older, we have these parts of us that form that don't ever want that to happen again.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so, sometimes you might have a Defender form that tries to protect you, but you can also have a Controller form inside of you.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: That tries to control the situation or the other people around you so that they can't hurt you and one of the things i'll give another example from my own experiences is there's a person in my life, who.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: has been in my life for many, many years and I discovered only recently that you know I always wanted this person to feel happy, I always wanted her to be happy and happy with herself, and so I would.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: unconsciously end up trying to buck her up and oh and be really nice to her and compliment her to try to cheer her up.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Well, when I realized a bit, but there's also a history with this person or this person was really unkind to me a lot, and we had a lot of conflict and strife.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: What I realized, only a few years ago, is that what I was actually unconsciously doing was trying to control her emotional state, because I thought well if she's happy and she won't hurt me.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You see, so me going all Oh, and making her feel good was a control reaction.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And that, as I delved into it had to do with the trauma that I experienced from this person, when I was a child, where this person was constantly need and dismissive and unexpected towards me and critical and.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You know just never connected in a safe or healthy way that I felt felt good, and so what I was actually trying to do, or was it was actually fueling my need to control her feelings and her behaviors.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Was the trauma that I was unconsciously carrying from that long standing relationship from all those years of having felt so her and dismissed and attacked and abused, etc.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so it can be a trauma reaction that we have to try to control things whether we're trying to control people's feelings we're trying to control a situation.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And a lot of times, it can be because maybe that person so i'll give an example of lots of clients who come from.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: backgrounds, in which their parents were alcoholics or had some kind of addiction and so they were to have this hyper sense of control, they have to control everything in their lives, I have to control their schedules their timing, everything is all about control will think about why.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Because there was such a lack of control and a lack of stability in their growing up experiences they never knew when mommy or Daddy was going to be drunk with a new and.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: never knew and mommy or Daddy was going to rage at them and so there's so these inner mechanisms forms these inner Controllers.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: To try to keep help that person feel a sense of control in which they didn't have any control so that's a trauma reaction same thing with even like perfectionism perfectionism is also a kind of control.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And I think even burn a brown says it's also shame based a sense of not feeling good enough, but also if everything we try to have everything be perfect and nothing's out of place then it's like we can control it, and everything will be okay.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So it's a matter of now, when you notice, you have these reactions inside of you and i've covered a few some that are more over in some that are more subtle right.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: start to notice when you're feeling that control reaction, or that anxiety because you feel out of control and start to notice when those feelings come up for you and question I often like to ask to is to ask yourself.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: When was the first time I felt this way because usually what that exPower in this case that Controller is carrying is some wound or some reaction to a wounding and an unsafe situation from a long time ago.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: it's getting triggered in the current reality in current day in the present in the present moment.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so what's helpful if you really want to get back to the root of what causes what what caused that Controller to first form.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: so that you can help it heal is to ask yourself, so you know when was the first time that I felt this, how is this feeling familiar, for me, what does the situation remind me of.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: What am I afraid would happen if I didn't try to control the situation that's another really good question when write that down if you would like what am I afraid would happen if.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: I didn't have this reaction because oftentimes that'll give you the answer of what that Controller is actually trying to stop from happening or to protect.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Protect you from sorry i'm hearing some like animal cooing as I apologize.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So you look at that and and that's where you can start to recognize, you know, maybe it came from something that happened to on the playground.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Maybe it came from the way you were treated in a by a teacher, you know, maybe the kids were laughing at you and the teacher was being need.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Maybe it comes from a family member and how that person.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: I treated, you may be a comes from an environment in which he grew up where there was a lot of struggle, a lot of strife, I worked with a lot of changemakers from a lot of war, torn areas.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so they have a lot of trauma around this because they went through really terrifying situations.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Where they were abused or they were surrounded by violence that they couldn't control and so as a result, they have these Controllers inside of them that try to control situations even ones that are really out of their control.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: I want to bring up someone who's been in the news a lot lately, and because I think that this plays into it, there are a lot of elements that play into this.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But i'm going to bring up will Smith so obviously there was a lot of brouhaha about will Smith and how these people went up on stage during the Academy awards, and he smacked Chris rock.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And then there was all this reaction to like you know to him and to Chris rock into the Academy, and like how they handle it or didn't handle it and they're all these different.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: they're all kinds of lenses through which we can see this whole scenario I want to just this purposes in the midst of like looking at some of the articles and stuff about the whole situation.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: I read one a couple of them shake that quoted will smith's biography autobiography, in which he talked about when he was a child, his father was very physically abusive to his mother.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Mind you, he was just a little kid so little kids don't have the physical prowess to stand up to big adult parents, they just don't.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so, as a little kid and I don't want to put words in his mouth book, but if you read some of the articles I wish I could quote it but, basically, he said that his biggest regret is that he never stood up for his mother, he never protected her.


00:22:09.750 --> 00:22:22.320

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Now people in these articles brought up this line or this passage from his autobiography to point out that will smith's reaction that moment, was a trauma reaction.


00:22:22.560 --> 00:22:29.130

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: That basically he saw that his wife Jane pinkett Smith had been or as he perceived it.


00:22:29.460 --> 00:22:38.010

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: don't know what the truth is, but as he perceived it that Chris rock had said something derogatory towards jaden Smith about alopecia.


00:22:38.400 --> 00:22:47.040

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And that he had an initial laughing rick will Smith had initial laughing reaction, but then the next thing you know we see him and he walks up there, and he slept Chris rock.


00:22:47.400 --> 00:22:50.220

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so, people were saying that was a trauma reaction.


00:22:50.880 --> 00:22:54.360

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And I don't know what the truth is, but I will say.


00:22:54.690 --> 00:23:04.770

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: That based on what I know about our inner exPowers are triggers and why they show up when they show up this does make a lot of sense, because if you think about it.


00:23:04.980 --> 00:23:13.260

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: His wife in that moment, you could say was almost like a surrogate for his mother, the mother that he couldn't protect when he was a child.


00:23:13.470 --> 00:23:27.270

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And here, he was seeing his wife being as he saw attacked publicly on stage by this other performer and so he felt the need to go defend agenda, his wife.


00:23:27.990 --> 00:23:33.510

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: In that moment, now, in that case you would say well that's the Defender and so it definitely was a Defender reaction.


00:23:33.780 --> 00:23:41.700

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But it was also a part, I would argue, to that there was a Controller inside they're going on what I need to control this situation right now.


00:23:41.940 --> 00:23:49.470

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And I need to stand up and be a man and I need to control this and stop Chris from doing what Chris rock i'm saying that in doing that.


00:23:50.250 --> 00:23:57.060

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: My point is that, when he obviously felt a lack of control as a child.


00:23:57.600 --> 00:24:15.300

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so it would make sense that, in a scenario that would trigger that sense of powerlessness and lack of control that he would seek or part of him would seek to exert some control in that situation, and so I would argue that that's where.


00:24:15.750 --> 00:24:28.590

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: As a Controller reaction that that was partly control reaction, I would say it's a lot Defender too, but the point is there's a part of him that felt so powerless and out of control, and so this Controller inside of him, probably played a role.


00:24:28.860 --> 00:24:39.300

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: In his reaction then to that situation, because it was so reminiscent, and so triggering of his childhood and the pain and the powerlessness that he felt.


00:24:39.630 --> 00:24:44.790

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But as an adult Obviously he has more power, he can do more as adults, we can do more than when we're children.


00:24:45.030 --> 00:24:53.580

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so anyway i'm using him as one example to also look at you know yourself and kind of go okay So where are the situations in my life that I couldn't control.


00:24:54.000 --> 00:25:04.650

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And, and how am I trying to exert control or find control in my adult life to mitigate those parts of me that were wounded by that situation.


00:25:04.890 --> 00:25:14.880

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And to give me a sense of power and control where, otherwise I don't have any and a sense of safety to I want to point that out because safety is always always writes about ultimately.


00:25:15.570 --> 00:25:23.700

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So how can you deal with this, how can you address these parts of you as you notice these exPowers inside of you.


00:25:23.970 --> 00:25:33.810

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: That are playing a role in this control reaction usually Controllers could be someone gets in there could be Defenders but usually the impulse to control is a Controller reaction.


00:25:34.650 --> 00:25:40.830

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: First of all, you want to notice that control response that Controller response that you have and sit with it.


00:25:41.430 --> 00:25:53.370

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And honor how it feels and that can mean getting into the the underlying fears that it carries it's afraid that if it doesn't control X, Y or Z it's afraid that.


00:25:53.880 --> 00:26:08.070

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: A, B or C ask it talk to it, listen to it, an honor it's feelings honor his anxieties ours it's honor it's fears for you, because, as I talked about Controllers and Defenders of the two types of exPowers.


00:26:08.310 --> 00:26:16.290

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: That are but ultimately trying to protect us from pain, so that Controller is are those Controllers inside of you were ultimately just trying to protect you from pain.


00:26:16.530 --> 00:26:28.650

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Their intentions are good, even if their behaviors are not that helpful, so you want to honor the feelings of the inner Controller that may be acting up inside you in response to a situation.


00:26:29.160 --> 00:26:44.610

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: What I also really like to do is write down and maybe you do this first before you even talk to the Controller parts of you is make a list if you're dealing with a certain situation where you're feeling this overwhelming need to control or you're feeling this.


00:26:45.960 --> 00:27:00.510

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: lack of control or powerlessness, or what have you write down a list do a whole two columns first column is the right, what can I control question mark first call second column, what can I not control.


00:27:01.320 --> 00:27:09.990

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and make a list of what you control can control and then make a list of what you cannot control in this situation Okay, not in the universe.


00:27:11.010 --> 00:27:13.290

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Given simple just in this situation.


00:27:14.640 --> 00:27:24.060

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: here's the thing I actually did this with my client and she was talking about how she was so anxious, because there were so many things going on, and I said, you know i'm fearing.


00:27:24.240 --> 00:27:34.860

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: that this really is an issue of feeling out of control and feeling anxious because there's so many things you can't control and so she sat down I said okay sit down, make a list, what can I control, what can I not control.


00:27:35.460 --> 00:27:39.630

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and whatever you can control then take action on those things.


00:27:39.930 --> 00:27:51.780

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: I would say the number one thing we can always control is our response to a situation that's, not to say that we can always control our emotions i'm not saying you should try to control how you feel.


00:27:52.050 --> 00:27:55.230

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: it's just by way of saying we can actually control.


00:27:55.680 --> 00:28:07.590

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: ourselves in here and that can include well okay if i'm having this trigger reaction, then I can work on my trigger and I can feel that trigger and I can draw it out as i'm always talking about drive those inner inner struggles.


00:28:08.220 --> 00:28:13.470

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You can do those things to heal yourself what you can't control or other people.


00:28:14.280 --> 00:28:25.290

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: period, full stop so I can guarantee you that one thing on that, what can I control, this will be myself how I show up how I respond to the situation.


00:28:25.770 --> 00:28:34.050

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: On the, what can I not control is always going to be other people, I cannot control other people that doesn't mean.


00:28:34.800 --> 00:28:47.760

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: That you can't set boundaries with them or that you can't communicate your needs your desires your perspectives whatever you have every right to do that, you can do those things.


00:28:48.360 --> 00:28:54.990

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But in terms of actually controlling that person controlling their choices controlling their free will, etc.


00:28:55.440 --> 00:29:05.460

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Ultimately, know the person might comply with what you're what you are trying to control them to get them to do, but ultimately in their hearts have they changed Probably not.


00:29:05.880 --> 00:29:23.130

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So that's what I mean by you really can't control other people what we can control as ourselves, and we can also set boundaries so that's something else that's really important so make a list, what can I control, what can I not control the, what can I not control.


00:29:24.330 --> 00:29:31.440

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You have a choice here, you can either get anxious and upset about something you can't control or you can just accept that you can't control.


00:29:32.160 --> 00:29:42.330

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So what you're going to ask yourself with a for each of these things is actually something I got from the sedona method, which I find to be very helpful, can I just accept that.


00:29:43.620 --> 00:29:53.520

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Blank So can I just accept that I can't control my daughter's choices, can I just accept that I can't control the weather.


00:29:54.060 --> 00:30:04.920

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Can I just accept that I can't control, whatever it is that's on that list, whether or not my son goes to college or my husband or my wife or my anything.


00:30:05.910 --> 00:30:22.350

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Can I just accept this, and it can be hard but asking yourself that question actually opens up the the opportunity for acceptance and just say yeah and the other the alternative is if you're trying to control, something you can't control guess what's going to happen.


00:30:23.610 --> 00:30:30.750

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: A lot of pain, a lot of struggle, a lot more anxiety so that's where I say look at that list of controls go okay.


00:30:31.980 --> 00:30:37.680

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You know you've got to just let go of what you can't control and focus on what you can control.


00:30:38.400 --> 00:30:48.570

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And, as I mentioned, setting boundaries i've got a situation in my life, where there's a certain person that will always be in my life and there's nothing I can do about that, and unfortunately this person is pretty toxic.


00:30:49.230 --> 00:30:59.580

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Right now, and so that and that's actually related to that other situation I mentioned, where I went way overboard on the control, I worked on myself a lot.


00:30:59.970 --> 00:31:09.570

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: to heal those parts of me and sure enough there that situation was actually triggering the other thing from my childhood that I mentioned in this in this episode.


00:31:09.900 --> 00:31:15.000

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so it's about so the point is that situation was actually triggering all this other stuff.


00:31:15.450 --> 00:31:26.250

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so we worked on myself and healed and really worked hard to release this this need to control this impulse but overwhelming impulse to control the situation.


00:31:26.670 --> 00:31:33.180

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: From a good place but not from a very helpful energy, and so I worked on myself and worked on myself.


00:31:33.510 --> 00:31:45.270

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So anyway, the point is, is that this is this this scenario, this situation is still in my life, and these people are still in my life, and they will be forever until they pass or what have you or I passed.


00:31:45.930 --> 00:31:51.270

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But the point is that recently as an issue came up in which.


00:31:51.870 --> 00:32:01.380

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: I would have in the past, tried to control, but really what I started to do was set a boundary I realized I can't control that other person and how they behave and I can't control this other person and how they behave.


00:32:01.710 --> 00:32:09.780

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And here this person is talking about bringing that person into my MySpace my home and I I basically set a boundary.


00:32:10.110 --> 00:32:15.240

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And I said Okay, if this person is coming into our home, then this is what I expect.


00:32:15.570 --> 00:32:25.470

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And this is how this person will behave, this is how they will treat us this is how you know, etc, and so I said, whatever needs to happen before they come into your home.


00:32:25.770 --> 00:32:34.200

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Then that needs to happen, but other than that I am setting a boundary so i'm not trying to control that other person who I see is behaving in certain unhelpful ways.


00:32:34.470 --> 00:32:41.340

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: i'm not trying to control them I used to I just say okay that's where they are and i'm setting a boundary so that in my space.


00:32:41.610 --> 00:32:53.820

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: This is how we treat each other, this is how we behave we are kind real compassionate we are helpful, we are loving we are patient we communicate our feelings and don't just react to each other, we talk it through.


00:32:54.150 --> 00:33:00.420

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So the point is I set a boundary because that's what I can control I looked at what I can control versus what I can't control.


00:33:00.660 --> 00:33:13.830

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And then, what I can control is my space and who I allow my space and and and communicating that then to the people who are possibly coming into this space, so this is how I handle it.


00:33:14.250 --> 00:33:23.040

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So i'm way over time, or by a few minutes but anyway, these are, I hope these stories have been helpful I hope these perspectives have been helpful.


00:33:23.340 --> 00:33:30.000

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: for you to start to recognize what are these impulses to control that you have, what is this need for control.


00:33:30.270 --> 00:33:41.070

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Where is it coming from, why is it there and what you do about it, so I hope this has been helpful, as always, I invite you to learn more about the ChangeLight System in.


00:33:41.490 --> 00:33:49.740

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: My website go to ChangeLight dot world or you can do community that ChangeLight top world to learn directly more about the Community itself.


00:33:50.370 --> 00:34:01.650

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And and all about these techniques of drawing out these exPowers these parts of you that are causing this impulse to control and really help to heal those inner Controllers that you have inside of you.


00:34:02.040 --> 00:34:21.090

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: so that you can feel more at peace and more common side and more trusting of what is an allowing of things that are happening without feeling the need to control all right, because the reality is we can't we can't we just gotta focus on what we can control anything else is.


00:34:22.200 --> 00:34:31.080

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: pretty much crazy I count myself as someone who's been very crazy before all right Thank you so much, and I will see you next week.


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