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  • Writer's pictureEmily Eldredge

📺 IWFGG | When "Being Kind" Isn't Being Kind...




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Emily Eldredge | Hello, Hello! Welcome to another episode of Inner Work for Greater Good. I am Emily Eldredge, with ChangeLight the founder and CEO and the creator of the ChangeLight System, that Drawing Out Process, amazing techniques that are all about healing as in like, permanently, fully, quickly healing inner struggles


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Emily Eldredge | to accelerate your ability to feel good and do good, and shine brighter and make a bigger difference in the world. That is what we're all about. I hope you can see my other episodes. But today this is what we are talking about


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Emily Eldredge | when being kind


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Emily Eldredge | isn't actually being kind. This one's a tough one. And it might trigger you. I know it triggers me in certain ways. So but it's this idea of that when we think that we're being kind, or we have this desire to be kind, or we have part of us that really want us to be kind and show up and be kind.


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Emily Eldredge | But really, it's not actually being kind. It's not actually the full


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Emily Eldredge | definition, or really showing up in our full in what's fully kind. Now let me explain.


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Emily Eldredge | How do I explain? And I mean, obviously, as usual, this came up for me this past week, or even the past few weeks, just because of some circumstances in my life.


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Emily Eldredge | or in my, in other people's lives, who I know and where it's there's this desire to be kind. There's this impulse to be kind. There's this. Well, I should be kind. Well, the kind thing to do would be well, I don't wanna be perceived this way or that way. I really should be nice, I, you know, and nice, is another good one, you know. We wanna be nice or we're trained to be nice.


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Emily Eldredge | But what often can sometimes happen is that from that desire or impulse, or trigger, or whatever to want to be kind, or think that by doing something is being kind, or think that. Well, I gotta help this person, and this is the right thing to do.


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Emily Eldredge | That it may not, that sometimes what can end up happening is, we are actually being invasive. We are actually being kind to that person, but not kind to ourselves. Or we see a certain action as an example of kindness, but it might actually not be kind. It might actually be enabling


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Emily Eldredge | there are all kinds of circumstances where that can happen. So, for example, I in the past, just from a long time ago. But I have a I was very close with a family who had one of the members with kind of severe disability, and what had actually contributed to his disability was drug addiction. Well, the disability landed him in a wheelchair completely


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Emily Eldredge | Paralyzed from the neck down prior to his accident. He had had a severe gambling problem. Well, even after his accident, the gambling problem, that impulse that need to get that high, or whatever that was, that caused him to want to gamble and take those kinds of risks that didn't go away, that stay.


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Emily Eldredge | So what instead of happening was he, even after he was completely, you know, paralyzed, couldn't move. His hands, couldn't do really almost anything for himself. The family continued to enable his gambling addiction, and I was talking to the sister on point and you know she was like, well, yeah, you know he doesn't have any money anymore, because he gambled it all away.


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How did he gamble it away?


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Emily Eldredge | And and they say, she said, well, because, you know, he wanted to talk to his booking, and he wanted to place bets. And mind you, he'd actually had a ton of money because of a settlement he'd gotten because of the assets. So the point is, this was a man already had a gambling addiction, was then in a wheelchair, couldn't move his arms or legs, or anything on his own, but then had a family


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Emily Eldredge | who was still doing his bidding, of placing bets, and what ended up happening? Was it gambled away all this money? So sorry? That's a little more the back story. My point is that they said, she said. Well, you know, he wanted to gamble, and so, you know, we make the calls for him. And I said, Why did you do that? So couldn't not do it. I mean, it's what he wanted. So what he wanted, we couldn't stop him from doing it. Yes, you good. Now, this is my opinion. You might have a different opinion, but it was like you can say no, was my response to her now. The fact that they didn't say no is also example of the dysfunction in their own family and their lack of boundaries.


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Emily Eldredge | But my point being is, they may have seen it as well. We're being kind, and he can't do it for himself, so we're doing it for him. But what actually ended up happening was, he ended up gambling away all the money that was there to take care of him for the rest of his life in his severely disabled state.


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Emily Eldredge | But that also they were enabling his addiction they were not setting boundaries, and then ended up falling on the family, then to have to then take care of him more because these monies were gone. So there were all these


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Emily Eldredge | c repercussions from them, trying to be good family members, and we'll do it for him, cause he couldn't do it for himself, you know, and so, and he would beg them, and and then they would do it. So that may not be the most ideal example. But I just wanted to use an example from the past.


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Emily Eldredge | that really is where you could see that the the intentions were entirely good to try to help this member of their family to take care of him, and to do what he wanted to do because he couldn't do it for himself, but ultimately, in their desire to be kind. It had disastrous consequences financially and for the family


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Emily Eldredge | and for him, because basically, his gambling addiction had been enabled. That's one example. There can be all other ones, you know, where we wanna jump in and help people. Maybe we do jump in and help people to try to solve their problems for them. It can be also that


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Emily Eldredge | we have this desire to want to. We think to ourselves, well, I don't really wanna do that thing, whatever that thing is. But you know, I mean, it would be a lot nicer. It needs to do this other thing.


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Emily Eldredge | So these are basically, there are. These are kind of like 3 different examples I've come up with is when being kind, or we think we're being kind is not actually kind. The first one is when being kind is someone else


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Emily Eldredge | is being unkind to ourselves. So that's that example of well, it's it would be kind to give this person this thing. It would be kind to take them on this experience it would be kind to, even though they've mistreated me, I should still be nice to them. And being kind of, you know, still taking care of someone, even though you know it's not healthy for ourselves. That's where, being kind


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Emily Eldredge | in our minds might not actually be kind, because then we're not being kind to ourselves and the bay. The bottom line is this, that that being kind and that kindness. It's not kind, it's not compassionate, it's not caring, if it's unkind.


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Emily Eldredge | not compassionate and uncaring towards ourselves. So it's a way of including ourselves in that


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Emily Eldredge | formula in that picture, that it's not just about the one way. It's also about how it affects us, and that is so incredibly important, especially for those of us who are healers, who are caregivers, who were all focused on other people, especially for women, because a lot of times we're trained into this, and some men are, too, and their families of origin. And in society for women it's always we gotta think about everybody else and not really honor how we feel.


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Emily Eldredge | So that's where, when it's unkind to you. The second scenario, as I've already kind of described, is when we're enabling, when we're being enablers when we're enabling someone else to keep doing something that's not good or kind or healthy for them. This is, you know, comes up all the time with, you know, addictions, you know, chemical addictions, drug addictions, alcohol addictions, shopping addictions. Whatever you keep giving money to that child who keeps spending it all, and then keep saying, Oh, I don't have any money.


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Emily Eldredge | Well, we might think well, I'm being kind and well, they need the money, but it's not necessarily kind because it's enabling. And what can end up happening is that we end up denying that other person the very important lessons and experiences that they need to learn that they have the power inside of them


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Emily Eldredge | to fix the situation, to get the, you know, past the addiction, whatever it is. And so that's where it's not kind when it's enabling. And and finally, the third sort of scenario that I thought of here is when it's invasive.


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when we, in our impulse and desire, and I want to be kind, and we jump in there and try to save some one we rescue, or we try to fix, or whatever


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Emily Eldredge | when it's invasive, when it's actually violating that other person's boundaries, when it's violating their sovereignty, or even when it's violating their sense of their own strength and power. And I've had this happen a lot in my life, you know. Sometimes you have someone who's smothering, or even I've been that smothering person, and I knew in my mind that I was doing the right thing, and I thought I was really being kind.


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Emily Eldredge | But actually, what I was doing is over functioning, smothering, invading


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Emily Eldredge | stepping in where I didn't belong. But if you'd asked me at the time, it was my in, my intentions were entirely good. My impulses were entirely noble invalid, and I was trying to make a difference or make some situation better. But actually, what can end up happening is you end up making it worse. And even though that may not be your intentions, it's not so always about intentions. It's about results, right? It's about what actually happens


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Emily Eldredge | as a result of our behaviors. Right? That's part of the calculation, too. So those are the straight through scenarios. I see, when it's unkind to you, and you're not setting proper boundaries for yourself or that other person when it's enabling to that other person and denying them the opportunity to actually learn and grow from whatever struggles they might be having, for example, and when it's invasive, when we are actually violating somebody else's boundaries or


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Emily Eldredge | their sovereignty, or, you know, based on what we think is right, or kind of the right kind thing to do.


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Now, where does this come from? As always? I want to give you some tools to work with.


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Emily Eldredge | Yeah, I will say that in within myself. And then in these other situations is other people I'm talking about that it's we've got some cut. There's some kind of trigger inside. There's a trigger, there's a part


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Emily Eldredge | there's there's a there's a part of inside oneself that is creating that impulse that is creating that inner struggle that is creating that like where it's like. Well, on the one hand, you know what you really want to do. But, on the other hand, well, this is the next thing to do. That's where you gotta get real with yourself. And this is what I have to do to get real with myself, and I know what's really going on with me here, and


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Emily Eldredge | what's fueling that part, or those parts of me to cause me


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to basically be UN. Be kind in ways that aren't necessarily kind that causes me to enable bad behaviors that causes me to. You know, wanna jump in. That causes me to deny how I actually feeling and what my Truth might actually be telling me, because well, I should be nice, and I'll give you an example of a part that I've been aware of in a inside of me at times, and it's that part, and I've sort of even given voice to it a little bit.


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Emily Eldredge | little bit that. And it's interesting because I feel so. I feel that so much, and I feel I feel I feel so many of those looks way. I've had more than one of those parts, but I feel so many of them. But now I don't struggle with it as much anymore. Occasionally it'll pop. I'll have a part that pops up. But it's basically that voice that goes well. I don't know. I should notice when you've got. That's just one example of a part that that can


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Emily Eldredge | lead us to not honoring the strength of our own Truth. And it might be that part this as well, but you know. But it should be nicer. Yeah, the key. And it wants to make excuses and rationalizations. I've done, I think, full episodes on all of that


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Emily Eldredge | that wants to excuse or rationalize, and that part can actually give us a momentary good feeling, one being a good person, or I'm being kind. And so that's sometimes what can kind of trip us frankly into taking that action that ultimately may ultimately may not be kind to ourselves, or possibly even to others around us. For example, by allowing someone who's toxic into our environment by allowing someone


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Emily Eldredge | who's not healthy or who is abusive? Or who has certain behaviors. And we can say, Well, yeah. But they were hurt a lot as a child. Well, but they have, you know. Trauma. Okay, that can be true. They're hurt. They have trauma. They have some toxicity. That does not mean that. Therefore the kind of the right thing to do is to let them into our space, or even let them around other people we care about.


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Emily Eldredge | Okay. So that's an example where you might have a part that wants to. Just well. But what it can be doing is actually downplaying the strong part of you that says, No, this is not okay? And yes, I know the other person's gonna have a reaction. They're gonna get hurt. And it's still not okay to let them come around and treat us this way, for example. That's the other thing, too, is that we can have that part, that


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Emily Eldredge | that I'm sort of losing my train of thought here because I was something else came up. But that's that's an example of an inner sort of voice, or a tendency, or or impulse, or part that really wants us to. They can feel good that can make us feel good in thinking that we're doing the right thing, or we're being good or being compassionate understanding, but that ultimately the results, especially if we've seen this happen too many times.


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Emily Eldredge | that it's not kind to ourselves. Another sort of part that can feel this way is


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Emily Eldredge | it is a part that can that is, that is impulsive. That's that impulsive part that can be very invasive. And it's the impulse to jump in and rush in, and that can rationalize our need to do so without stepping back and going. Wait a minute.


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Emily Eldredge | Is this the appropriate response, or wait a minute. Am I the person who's supposed to fix fix this situation or wait a minute? Am I not allowed space for that other person to figure it out for themselves, or wait a minute. Maybe I haven't even asked them if that's what they want or need from me, right. So when we're violating that person's sovereignty. And this comes up, I think I mentioned this in another situation with narcissism when I talked about


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Emily Eldredge | sort of good, well-intentioned narcissism, or whatever how I forgot the name of the episode. But there's something called white savior complex, and it is an unfortunate


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Emily Eldredge | pattern that happens a a a lot of places in our world where, like the white person comes in with the money and with the ideas and with the solutions. And they're gonna save this community. They're gonna save this country, or they're gonna you know, all their great intentions. Or maybe it could be with their religion even they're gonna fix this. They're gonna save the day.


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Emily Eldredge | But the problem with this white Savior complex in the white night, you know, literally, physically, oftentimes a white person coming in and deciding that they are gonna solve. The problem is that it's often done without really deeply considering, well, what does that community want? What do they need? What do they desire? What would help them? Would it help them to put in a water pump or a water sanitation system? Or would they rather


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Emily Eldredge | have the money to be able to buy a truck that delivers the water to their community. I mean, there could be all other kinds of things. So that's an example of where being kind may not actually be kind, may not actually may actually be a violation of those other people's wisdom and their sovereignty and their ability to meet their own needs.


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Emily Eldredge | So that's another one. Anyway. The point is, there are obviously a lot of circumstances where we can think that we're being kind, but we're not actually being timed. I'll give you another example, too, for my own experience. Where? When I was involved in 9, 11, and I rushed in, and I helped people, and I was saving lives. And I was doing all this stuff. At least that's what they were telling me, and I was being told. I mean, you know, that I was. You know, firefighters and others were saying you've really moved


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Emily Eldredge | saved my life, and so I got a real charge and a real jolt out of it. But what ended up happening? Speaking of Number one, where being kind to others, may not and be entirely kind to ourselves is that I ended up burning out and getting extremely sick from that, because I was so depleted. And also I had actually taken on some chemical sensitivities from having been at the trade center which basically forced my body to just. I had to stop.


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Emily Eldredge | and it was excruciating, and it was awful. But my point is is that I was in those circumstances where I was really jumping in, and I was helping, and I was getting all the positive strokes, and I was getting the reinforcement that said, yes, this is good. We. We need you to keep doing this. I ended up being unkind to myself because I pushed too hard. I hurt myself. I burned out.


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Emily Eldredge | So there's another example of when being kind to others may not always be entirely kind to ourselves. I'll I'm throwing. Is that my, my shamanic healer? She's amazing, and she teaches whole


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Emily Eldredge | thing about boundaries. So she's really taught me a lot about boundaries, and what boundaries need, and how to set them, and how to recognize them all of that. And she is so strong and firm and clear in terms of her own boundaries in her life, because of the issues she's had with, you know, others in her life.


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Emily Eldredge | And so she's really taught me a lot about that and help me realize that you're yeah. Your impulse may be perfectly well intentioned, but it's not necessarily the right one. And so then, that just wanted to. I feel like saying that like just and oh, and pointing out. And I really realized, through following a lot of her work is that


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ultimately, ultimately the healthiest.


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Emily Eldredge | healthiest way we can be is not when our energies are tangled up with other people.


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Emily Eldredge | but when we are honoring of ourselves and our own energy, and what we know is right for us, and in doing so we can then better and more effectively, less impulsively.


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Emily Eldredge | more congruently. Honor what's right for others, and be kind in ways that are at the same time kind to ourselves. So it's something to think about.


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Emily Eldredge | and I hope this has been helpful, as always. I love you. Thank you so much for listening, and please, please, when I talk about noticing these parts. I teach a whole super easy technique that can help. You will notice the parts and release them from inside of you to help calm those parts down, and ultimately, if you work with me, we can permanently and fully deal these parts, too.


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Emily Eldredge | that are causing you to behave this way or feel this way, or have these impulses alright. So I hope this has been helpful, as always. I'm Emily. Go to Changelight dot world to learn more about my work, join the free course and community community, community ChangeLight, dot world. Listen to my podcast, Dark Light Truth, in which you can hear people, heal these parts inside them. Alright. I hope this has been helpful, as always.


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and I will talk to you again soon. Bye.


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