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  • Writer's pictureEmily Eldredge

🎙CAITLIN | "Concrete Wall" (Lost + Alone)

Here are Caitlin's drawings, the video, and the raw transcript from Episode 7 of the podcast DARK LIGHT TRUTH.


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VIDEO



 

TRANSCRIPT

I feel like my light is gone I feel like I've lost my [Music] truth I was screaming out for such a long time and yet no one is believing me no one is helping they say that they're helping but they're not it's like I don't deserve love it's like I don't deserve people to love me I don't deserve to have good people around


me all I ever wanted was to feel that I was


wanted God damn Emily you brought up so much for me today these are things that I don't like addressing that like I knew was there but I didn't want to bring it up because then again it's like it becomes too much it becomes [Music] overwhelming I'm feeling better than I have been a very very long


time I'm reading what I wrote again about my truth and it just feels so right and I feel like it's giving me


direction I am Emily eldrid and this is dark light Truth where we dive into people's Darkness reclaim their light and reveal their truth what you about to hear is a real person going through an actual session of the drawing out process my seventh step emotional healing technique in which we draw out talk with and fully heal an inner part or parts at the core of a person's struggle every session is filled with surprises epiphanies twists and turns we never know what we will encounter nor who inner critics crying children angry walls gruesome monsters it all depends on the world that formed within the person in reaction to their life experiences as well as what their inner wisdom deems is ready to heal once and for all join us as we solve inner Mysteries heal inner struggles discover incredible wisdom and guide this person back to the wisdom light and Truth within them so that they can fully live that truth light up and light up our world listen closely because you never know hearing them heal and light up just might help you heal and light up


too join me now for my session with a powerful Australian woman named Caitlyn what you will hear is an edited version of her full 4 and a half hour session which she volunteered to record for this podcast the struggle that's brought her here today has to do with a recent employment situation in which her boss was a very toxic figure ultimately we discover that what's been triggered is actually a pattern in her life that stems from some very deep intense trauma in her childhood the beauty of this session is that in the beginning she says that she just doesn't know what her truth is anymore but by the end she discovers what it truly [Music] is doing your video this like listening to your your video and your talk this morning for your um 45 minute C and I'm like holy [ __ ] actually that's what I'm tired of it's the fact that like I feel like my light is gone I feel like my I've lost my truth and the fact that I'm like I'm not living that because of this situation that's taking up so much of my life and it has been for such a long time I'm like like okay that's what I'm tired of is just like not being or feeling myself and not having that next pass away because I've lost that and that's what I'm tired of like I've placed my trust in someone who I I completely and utterly trusted so then that has like impacted my perceptions of people because I always try and look for the good in people and I did and then that was hurt yeah that's I think that's what's what's challenging and again it's like rebuilding my faith and trust in myself it's trying to find my truth again work out what that is I always wanted to enter politics I always knew that that was the end goal cuz then that was how I was able to impact the most amount of people well and it's like well actually no that's not what I want to do but I don't know what I want to do yeah so why don't we sit with whatever emotions are coming up and if it means having to like tune into your body yeah I so I'm just getting this image like this these two images right now of my of my throat so around my voice I'm I'm pict I'm seeing these like hands that are purely around like my vocal cords that are constricting that but then at the same time I'm seeing another picture I'm seeing another set of hands that are are literally choking me right now and that's where I'm feeling the pressure that is them sort of pressuring my my shoulders and kind of weighing me down whilst whilst constricting my and actually like I'm I'm now like my body just instantly went and did that same movement so I can sort of see it so it's like like I've known that my pain has sat sort of around that chesty sort of throat area but I didn't I've never actually visualized it like that is it the kind of thing where you feel like you could you could go ahead and draw that yeah I can dra that yeah let's just see where we go with this this is wow it sounds really intense nice what you got there um so yeah I've got it's it is my is the worst drawing ever that's okay it's it's my throat I I put the center of like the pain as like this like this oval sort of shape and then I have um the like the smaller hands that are wrapped around the object in the center of my throat and then I've got these like um squiggly lines I don't know what they represent but like squiggly lines that are coming like out like up the top of it then I have my actual like my physical throat um with larger hands wrapped around it um and then I've got the radiating sort of like pain that is like shooting down then into the rest of my body and then again I've got the squiggly lines that are on the outside of it so not in my body but on the outside and that's in red and it's going going up so yeah that's what I drew and whose hands are they I feel like there's potentially multiple multiple hands multiple peoples I know I'm getting a sense that the internal one is definitely mine but I feel like it's not just mine I feel like now I'm actually getting a feeling and I'm just going to draw it there's there is now like a second set of hands that are actually on top of the of mine so I feel like mine is definitely um um the ones that is controlling that that constricting of of my vocal cords but then there's someone else's hands that are placed on top of it that is just holding it down um and then on the external ones there it's again I'm picturing like two people like I definitely like like the person who sto all my power it's definitely his hands like even the color that I chose it's like very similar to his skin tone like it's it's definitely his hands but I also feel like there is I feel like I'm I'm now just drawing jigsaw puzzles around it that that that are around his hands like I don't know why but maybe CU like he's it's not just him that there that there are like other there are other bits to to this and I don't I don't know if it's whether it's the company or where I'm working with right now or if it's external factors or if it's it's not that is the main course but there are other things behind that that is making me feel like I'm being physically strangled what are the emotions that come up for you what are the beliefs the thoughts just what's are you hearing anything just curious I'm just getting a sense that my my voice is my strength um it's that it's that's the sense of my ability to connect with people it's my ability to express my sense of my sense of Truth truth and activism because I've always wanted to share that with the world and what I'm picturing right now is just sadness and like I'm almost on like the vergers because I I I can see that that's just it's just been locked away and like I can't and I can't use it and that's just that's actually like a a huge lot of pain for me I didn't have a voice when I was growing up because it was it was it was physically taken from me and now sort of what I'm feeling is that my situation when I was younger going through physical violence and Trauma and being a kid and not having my voice and not and when I'm screaming out for help and no one would listen to me or they wouldn't believe me I'm just getting pictures now that this is very it's it's similar but it's different I'm not in physical harm but it's that same sense of loss it's that same sense of I'm screaming out I was screaming out for such a long time for help and I was trying to get people to hear me to hear that there is a problem with this person to hear that I am struggling and that I losing myself just as I did when I was younger and yet no one is believing me no one is helping they say that they're helping but they're not in a different way this is history repeating itself it's like I always go through waves of not having a voice and then having it and then losing it again and that's and maybe that's why I'm feeling like there is multiple hands like three different layers of hands that is going on right now so what we're learning about Caitlyn so far is that she's a very powerful Advocate who uses her voice to help other people however this recent employment situation she was in is really undermined her confidence in herself her faith and her own truth and that she's been screaming out about these abuses but no one's really listening and that this is a very familiar feeling for her that this is something she felt as a child when she was abused and she tried to get people to know that she was being abused but no one really listened to her so it's interesting how this current day situation has triggered those feelings from the past she ends up describing it as feeling like a straight jacket around her so you'll hear in the next section that I actually ask her about that when was the first time she felt that straight jacket because I want to know what's the origin what's the root cause we're trying to get to the root of her struggle here How She lays out though a timeline of her life when this straight jacket feeling has shown up several times before as you listen to her timeline of this straight jacket that she's experience throughout her life you might consider the timelines in your own life when you felt and seen and noticed certain patterns of feeling and behavior and triggers and experiences that have happened throughout your life and the possibility that maybe those keep recurring because of some childhood trauma that you carry when was the first time you remember feeling this way like feeling constricted feeling straight jacket


the first thing that popped into my mind was all my life but then I got this image of well it's different types of straight jackets it's not the same one okay it's kind of like what I'm picturing is like I've got a timeline of my life and I'm picturing it in three chunks it's like the first straight jacket I'm seeing is definitely the one when I was a kid and I've got the second one which is when I was a teenager uhhuh and I had the one in for some reason in my early 20s uhhuh but now I'm actually think now I'm drawing the timeline and that this is actually the fourth when I was a kid I know that was because of trauma and that that straight jacket came off when I was 12 okay then there's a break and then I've got the next one was around


15 and that came off when I feel like I found my purpose at 18 No 19 for some 21 is the next


one to about 24


and then there's this one now and why and when like what are the typical circumstances that these Straight Jackets show up that you feel them around you are there is there a pattern you see or themes I see like 15 15 to 19 that was when like I'm picturing BOS but I loved BOS but I know know at that time I wasn't I wasn't doing anything that actually was at my core so that so that that straight jackets because I wasn't in alignment basketball helped me get through a lot of stuff because that was when I was trying to deal with my mental health that was when I was going through like a lot of change and I was also causing so much I I was the cause of drama that's what I'm picturing I like drama I like pain cuz then it I'm picturing I'm getting all these words I'm like well actually no you weren't in alignment but you liked the drama you helped cause some of it you you reveled in it people came to you because of it so then you lived in it had a fullon reset at 19 and that's when I again like I found activism that's when I started I felt like I was in alignment and then at 21 I was doing it for the right reasons but I'm picturing Awards and accolations and un comfortableness with that but also the need to continue to want them to speak them out ah two words that are come up in my mind for that that period of that straight jacket is validation as well as Retreat I feel like every time like I I won an award or like received accolations or people were come to me I also at the same time I felt like I needed to retreat from the world that I needed to to run or that I needed to retreat from myself oh or and now I'm getting actually well it's not just that it's retreating from taking care of myself that's when I retreated from friendships I retreated from family I I treated from from mental and physical care [Music] so what we're hearing here is a pattern of this straight jacket and that she felt that straight jacket originally when she wasn't in alignment when she wasn't living her truth but then we also hear that even when she was living her truth she was suffering she was struggling she was self-isolating so why is there this imbalance why is it that she can put herself out there so completely for other people be an advocate for them try to take care of their needs and yet not receive it for herself what is this about so Caitlyn and I proceed to dive into why is it so hard for her to receive the support that she needs and she talks a lot about the fact that she feels selfish she feels like she's too much that that she would be too much of a burden if she were to share her feelings and also that she's afraid of being abandoned that people will leave her because it has happened before she shares a number of memories but there's one particular one that I wanted to include here because she mentions it later on I just wrote down I don't deserve people where'd that come


from don't know but I just feel really sad and really empty it's like I don't deserve love it's like I don't deserve people to love me I don't deserve to have good people around me when was the first time you remember feeling that way if you can recall I remember a memory and my mom has explained it so many times and rationally I get it but I still I remember I can't remember how old I was I must been really really really little cuz my brother was a baby um so I must have been like two or three and I remember my mom getting into a taxi with my brother and she had to go to Perth and I was a toddler and I was staying with my dad and I remember going running to the door opening it up screaming from for Mom not to leave me behind and I begged her not to leave me behind and I that's just been it's like it's kind of like a COR I can't remember exactly like all of it but like I remember it's like a core memory and that's why I'm crying right now and I've brought that up with her so many times and she's like well I had to leave you because I had to go to family and and I was breastfeeding your brother and I couldn't leave him behind and then I was like but you left me


behind and that still that still hurts so it's kind of that's just been like a thing my whole life I just want to point out here that Caitlyn does what so many of us do and that is we can see childhood experiences from an adult perspective and and think well I understand why that happened and sort of wonder why it impacted us so much however what we experienced as a child can be so intense and we can make such huge meanings because we don't know the full story so just because the adult part of us understands rationally why something happened it's still nevertheless extremely important and absolutely vital that we honor the child's feelings and the child's perspectives that formed in that moment in time because that's where the wounds are that's where those core underlying beliefs are and therefore that's where the healing is so since she mentioned this memory from childhood I figure well you know to that end let's talk to that little girl let's see if the little girl is the one with whom we need to work to heal this core wound that's been causing this recurring pattern of struggle in her life so I asked her a few questions about her childhood and here's what comes up I am just picturing now I back in my old bedroom um in my old house when I was when I was a kid and my room how it was placed was you had you had the door and then behind it you had my wardrobe so I would push my body up against my door and against the wall so no one could come in and I remember but just crying and I'm picturing her right now just put placing my back against the door in the wall and no one can come in and it's just me being being alone and just tears streaming down my face I feel like that's where I am right now did and did you do that a lot a lot absolutely a lot when did that start oh I think when I was four or five years old I would do that against my my parents because at at a time in my life my uh my my punish punishment was a thing and actually the type of punishment was probably not great I mean they would never do that now but it was running away from that it was then when the people who abused me was in my house was living with us I would do that all the time um I remember just like running there just so many times oh my God so many times when I was younger I would Sprint to my room and I would try and for people not to come in and they would just there's there there are a few people and I'm


not so you can hear Caitlyn's stutter there because she's starting to get into specific memories involving specific people who were in her household when she was a child and she's scared to actually say who those people were because this is being recorded for a podcast so I reassure her that it's okay we don't have to keep this section in and why do I do that because the most important thing from my perspective is her healing and in order for her to heal she needs to feel safe being completely honest so what happens is she ends up sharing very specific memories of absolutely horrific violence and abuse that she suffered as a child in her home and not only that some very violent suicidality that she witnessed as


well they would come and they would try and push in and they would try and hurt me so it's yeah that's I mean that's why I'm and I haven't I haven't dealt with with all of that and like


yeah wow


yeah God damn Emily you brought up so much for me yeah what's going on it's going on I just feel like it's these are things that I don't like addressing that like I knew was there but I didn't want to bring it up because then again it's like it becomes too much it becomes overwhelming it's it's like it's it's okay for me to live with this pain because then again if I I feel like if I try and address it then I realize is how broken I am and I don't like that narrative it's like I I've built up this Persona of being strong I've built up this Persona of fighting and never giving up and just charging ahead and not letting things get to me and it does but I I don't like sharing that with people and I don't like addressing it because then again it's like I don't have space for anything else because I've got all the stuff that I like except like childhood stuff I didn't realize was directly related to like certain core things that happened to me but the way I dealt with it and the way I was able to deal with it and move on is by becoming an activist is by then trying to protect others but it's like I've never truly dealt with it like I've never truly healed from it and I have tried I have tried so many different ways but nothing has ever worked and it's I feel like I'm always going to be stuck with this like I'm always going to be broken from this so we hear Caitlyn say that activism became her way of trying to deal with the intense feelings and the traumas that she experienced growing up I cannot tell you how many times I have heard this I've worked with a lot of Chang makers a lot of activists a lot of impact driven people and the intense desire to make life better for others often comes as a result of having experienced traumas themselves or seeing their loved ones or people around them traumatized and wanting to change that wanting to make life better for themselves and for others but as we also hear from Caitlyn what it ended up happening for her is that she put up a wall of strength and this activist Persona that really is masking this incredible pain that she just hasn't figured out how to heal at this point Caitlyn and I talk quite a bit about the fact that she's actually become very identified ifed with her pain that she can't imagine being without it and so I try to normalize that for her but listen to how she reacts to my affirmation because it ends up leading us to the actual part of her that we need to heal in order for her to finally reconnect with her truth you just have this deep deep desire for safe connection with others but it's hard to know who to trust and it's hard to feel safe when you carry so many wounds from having felt so unsafe around the very people with whom you're supposed to feel safe but I just want you to know that it's okay and you're not crazy and you're not alone no thank you it's like I'm hearing that and I'm hearing you say that that it's okay and that it's normal and it's understandable and that it's not too much but I still like I'm hearing that and I want to accept it but I feel like I can't it's like I feel like I can't let that in okay so what's the part of you what's going on there that feels like it's resisting that and this could be a different part of you it could be the child but it could be another part of you that's like nope don't let that in just curious you're if you're


aware I actually Drew um after like writing down like a deep desire for safe connection with others like I drew darkness and there's a lock and it's not opened and then there's a line and then I drew a sun like I drew the sun first before the darkness like I drew the sun first and then I drew the barricade and then I drew the darkness so I I did it backwards and so it's like I know it's there like I know it's there I can I can sort of see it and I can sort of feel it and I know it would be really good once that is all gone like that wall is down or that door is gone or whatever I deal with all this stuff like I know my life will be better but it's how it's it's how I deal with it how I can get rid of that pain how I can make sure that I have the tools to never let it come up again and how I can just then that whole sense of safety safety from the world but also safety from myself and sa you from others it's just like yeah that's what's coming up for me right now I think I think that barricade when I'm looking at it it represents so much like I'm feeling like it represents so much it's not just like the barricade of letting go of that that trauma and that narrative but it's like that barricade is stopping me from having like true authentic relationships that barrier is stopping me from accessing my truth that bar and live not just accessing it but living it and following it and following a career that allows me to then live that and use that for others there like there are so many different facets that that this barricade it's like well if I can bring that down then what possibilities are there yes I know on the other side there is hope I know on the other side there is love I know on the other side there is truth and there is freedom and I it's that's where that's where the lightness is that's where the artwork is that's where the vibrancy is it's just on the other side and it's like I want so badly to get there but I can't cross it it's actually asking me to dra KCK off okay what's the barricade name it's it's concrete


wall so it seems that we finally reach the part of her that's at the core of the struggle that brought her here today and this pattern in her life of disconnecting from others and isolating herself but before we can actually talk to that part listen to what happens it's fascinating how her body instantly reacts at the notion of allowing this part of her to speak is it okay if I have a conversation with concrete wall oh my God I don't know how that's G happen but okay it's okay to let it speak Emily can I just can I just say when you said that can you talk to it my my hands and they haven't let go and it was just automatic my hands are now around my neck and it's there and I'm not letting go and I'm trying to let go but I can't it is literally they crisscrossed around my neck okay what's going on what's going on there I don't know I I don't know I think it's you're trying to access something that I potentially that I just don't want access but I need to but it's like it's constricting it's literally constricting me and like my body has like physically reacted to that okay let's honor that yeah that's yeah I'm I'm hearing there's a lot of fear in opening that up and letting that speak yeah and fear of what could happen for allow that part to speak and fear of what's even on the other side of that yeah you're right it's this fear but I also feel like it's protection my hands are protection and the voice that's coming out I'm trying to constrain it it's like I'm trying to hold it in what are you afraid would happen if you were to allow this part of you to speak I I just don't know what it's going to bring up okay my hands are gone for my neck um it's it's a fear of well if I live in whatever comes up and I deal with it is my life going to completely change okay yeah yeah the fact that this part's job has been all about constricting her voice well then it's completely completely understandable that as soon as it comes time for Caitlyn to allow this part of her to speak that it's going to stop that it's just doing its job and so my job is to just help it feel safe luckily though after some conversation her hands came down I then invite concrete wall to speak and it agrees to speak with me Caitlyn is awake and aware through the whole


conversation I'm just hanging out just stand just stay


put how long have you been there been there a long time you keep


growing so what is it that causes you to grow this feels like I keep getting added on to it get I get taller I get thicker do you like getting taller and thicker sometimes I like being big and powerful is it that someone else or something else is adding on to you or are you the one who's choosing to be bigger and stronger it's bit of both it's like someone Builds on to me but then when I notice that there's something wrong like I grow oh yeah are you like keeping something out are you keeping something in like what is your job life I'm keeping out the light so why are you keeping out the light because it's fun I'm like messing with it it's like having that power it's like I I'm controlling it oh I see do you remember when like the first stone was put in place concrete


wall definitely that that first memory of I'm leaving me oh yeah yeah so concrete wall are you talking about when um that Caitlyn shared when she was screaming and crying because her mommy left with her brother yep yeah yeah so that must have been hard for for you to see her so upset like that in so much pain it was yeah how did that feel to see her crying and being so sad and scared it was like I had to protect her ah yeah it's like if I could be built and if I could be strong enough and tall enough then she wouldn't she wouldn't get that yeah so has it worked you know building that wall you know does it protect her from pain sometimes I feel like she uses me I'm I was there to serve a purpose I'm still there to serve a purpose I'm still there to control and and people see me and they see that I'm big and impressive and powerful and strong and I don't let anything in that's a sense of Pride for me but she uses that and because I don't let it I don't have a door I'm just impenetrable she she uses that are you saying she like uses it as kind of an identity like so that she comes across as big and strong and powerful where she uses that to protect herself or she uses that to pretend like nothing bothers her what do you mean what ways does she use that it's all three ah just because I have multiple sides to me ah do you like that she uses that and that she uses you in that way I think it's kind of fun to be [Music] used I serve a purpose oh because then you serve a purpose yeah so when a wall shows up in a session it's usually what I call an inner Defender it's Walling something out it's trying to protect the person or the child on the other side of that wall and to help that person feel stronger and more empowered and especially to appear that way and to protect that person from those vulnerable or so-called weak feelings and so concrete wall is doing that to some extent here but concrete wall is also been constricting her and preventing her from accessing her truth and the light and so in a way concrete wall is actually acting kind of like a controller as well and a controller is a part of us that does exactly what I named it which is to control it's trying to control us or a part of us this concrete wall is actually doing it's kind of multitasking here it's both keeping things out and giving her the sense and the Persona of being very strong and powerful and impervious and impenetrable while at the same time holding her in in nevertheless whatever job or jobs this concrete wall is doing my job is to help it realize that it doesn't have to keep doing that job anymore that actually it's no longer helping but hurting the person so in this next section you'll hear me ask a few questions just to kind of you know test to see like how committed is concrete wall to doing its job and maybe it's tired we'll see what


happens does it ever get tiring concrete wall to be standing there being strong all the


time sometimes I have


cracks sometimes bits of me get chipped away and it's [Music] tiring sometimes I just feel like it would be good to open up a bit but I need to continue to grow stronger I don't like seeing cracks in me I don't like showing that


yeah cuz I like being perfect ah yeah what what sometimes causes the


cracks things are throwing at me on purpose and big rocks get throwing at me when things are drilled into me and then how's that feel for you it hurts and then I self-heal and I grow stronger so that the next thing that tries to create a crack can't get in I'm curious you know how how do you want her to


feel I want her to still feel the pain but at the same time I don't it's like I have two sides and I want both yeah it's kind of sick isn't it I don't know I feel like there might be reasons for that like how do you think it would serve her if she did feel the pain like why why do why would you want her to feel the pain maybe there's a reason then it keeps her going then she can use it so you've seen how the pain has in a way served her as much as you've been trying to protect protect her from feeling it you're also seeing how she's been able to use it to fuel her success and to make a difference correct yeah I also say it the way that she kind of uses it to be able to connect with others then it's kind of like I'm attracted to other walls why do you think concrete wall why do you think you're attracted to other walls the feeling of more strength ah and more chaos it's like the more I me them like I become the maze it's like a join a


maze so yeah so I hear that on the one hand you want her to feel the pain because you feel like it can fuel her and it's how she does great things and it's how she meets other amazing people and I also hear though that you don't want her to feel the pain so what are some of the reasons why you don't want her to feel the


pain I can see how how tiring it is for her yeah and just how lonely it


is cuz it's cuz I know it's cold CU there's no light on that side oh cuz I keep it out so it's like you're working so hard to protect her but at the same time it's actually when I I'm hearing at least is it you know prevents her from feeling the connection that she desires with others certain kind of connection is that accurate it's definitely accurate and we all need some sunlight don't we I think some people can live without sunlight oh do you think Caitlyn can live without sunlight I me she's lived with it without it for so long you can do you want her to live without sunlight even though you say you know you're just used to it do you actually want her to or do you think and do you see that there's any possible benefit to her for having some sunlight in her life I think if she had it it she'd be happier oh yeah but all I know how to do is grow ah yeah what are you afraid would happen if you weren't here that there would be nothing protecting her from being hurt and that something else will have to grow in my place is there something you're afraid would happen if she were to have more light in her


life it's what if she doesn't use it properly oh interesting explain have you seen her use light improperly before I've seen her have glimpses of it and she does use it but then she wastes it and she lets it go and she goes back into the darkness because that's where she feels more comfortable oh couple years ago it was with her her her business and with her activism because she could have done so much more but she listened to others she instead of following what she wanted she or saying what she wanted she was silenced and you let it all go I think she's really influenced by others you never wants to let anyone down and she just wants to please them so she can make the wrong mistakes and follow the wrong


people and then she gives up her own self so then it's easier to just block it all out in her gut she knows what to do but then she's so influenced by others perceptions of herself that she ignores that so it's much easier to just cut out all the noise to keep it all


out you know what that's so interesting concrete wall and what I'm hearing and what you're in what you're saying is you want her to listen to herself more you want her to trust her intuition her instincts her truth more is that accurate yeah cuz then when she does that then I can C down oh yeah right so it's like if she could trust her own strength and her own truth and her own wisdom and make decisions according to her own truth and what she knows in her gut is right for her you're feeling that like yeah you could relax cuz you're like yes you're trusting yourself you're listening to yourself and I don't feel like I have to work so hard to protect


you no that's that's it but she doesn't know how to do that but she does know how to do that okay so do you hear the contradictions inherent in what concrete wall is doing versus what it says it wants for Caitlyn it's been keeping out the light it's been keeping her disconnected from her truth but then meanwhile it says well I want her to believe in herself and Trust herself and do what's right for her this is extremely common among these inner parts basically what their actions are contradict their actual in tensions and the reason for that is because they form initially to try to protect us or themselves so their focus is on protecting us but because they're so focused on protecting us they don't realize how they're actually having the opposite effect on us if you have inner walls and we all do consider how those walls might be protecting you from hurt but also preventing you from connection so my job at this point is to gently point out this contradiction that while it sees itself as enabling her to feel a sense of connection with others it's also the part of her that's causing her to wall herself off and disconnect from others that maybe it's no longer helping her but hurting her but notice as I start to point out the contradiction inherent in what concrete wall is doing we end up revealing the deeper purpose that it feels that it's


serving is there some reason why she doesn't trust herself I think everything L I've saying everything in her life is just made her doubt it and just silenced it so are you in some ways preventing her from actually trusting her truth I think I am I'm scared of her losing her battle oh what's the battle her life I've been growing stronger because it's a way that I can keep her here when you say here where is here what do you mean in line in


life because I hear


sometimes I hear I heard jokes but they're not


jokes how much easier it would be if she just went through and ended it as a teenager how much easier it would have been if the people who had her actually succeeded how much easier it would be to check out right now tell me how does it feel when you hear her make those jokes how's it feel for you it's sad because I know she's not joking oh yeah so you're afraid that she could be in danger of ending things or something if you weren't doing what you're doing manipulating the light protecting from Pain Etc yeah keep her from ending it


all so if you listened to the session with Dora you'll hear something very similar in terms of what that part of her was trying to do for her and what concrete wall is trying to do for Caitlyn it's amazing the sense of purpose and the stakes that these parts of us have have that they carry in helping us survive interestingly Doras was an inner controller concrete wall as I said is sort of a Defender controller but they nevertheless in different ways are trying to serve the same [Music] purpose well is there anything else you'd like to share concrete wall think go I'm going to talk to Caitlyn


again I wish I could tell her


that and I know it's been really hard and I know that it's really easy to just keep it all out and I know that I wish I could show her the other side because it is beautiful that she has everything and that she she needs to have that belief and confidence that she once had and that drive that she once had that she doesn't have anymore and when when she can live with that and she can and she is driven by that fire that has been almost distinguished then I will be confident enough to to come down a bit and then she just has to keep proving it and the more she proves it the more stronger she gets the W out I'll [Music] become now that I'm done talking to concrete wall it's time to talk to Caitlyn


again so what what about that conversation stood out it for you anything in particular any new information any ahas any shifts surprising things like what I I think the surprising thing would be just the fact that like how easy it would be for me to to just end my life like that that was kind of surprising like as like like I know that I've been joking about it but just the fact that that feeling is actually


real and I like and again like I didn't like I thought I was much healthier than I'm actually made myself believe that I am I I don't feel like I would act on it sometimes those thoughts are there but it's like I don't it's it's not I didn't think it was that bad I didn't think it was that dark okay but I also find it funny how like it was like well I'm attracted to other walls like me like I knew like my closest friends are are broken in some way but they are also the strongest people that I know yeah and I think like like I'm looking back at it and I'm like yeah all of the closest people in my life through my whole life were those who I would then like I would see that Brokenness and then I would just be like attached to it MH mhm and then I'm and that just also like made me kind of scared because then it's like well what if theirs goes away and mine doesn't then that connection is broken so then it's again it's like that deep desire for connection with others and then if I don't have that wall if I don't have that Maze and that attachment then what is left oh


yeah what does it look like now the w wall the concrete wall it's like I'm drawing it right now okay and it's definitely like less thick than it was so it has it has come down a bit okay but it's still there it's still there okay does it feel to you like it's been trying to serve a purpose for you like overall I think it has served a purpose thinks it continues to serve a purpose um


at the same time it feels like well it doesn't have to keep growing like right like does it have to like keep getting bigger yeah because what happens as it keeps growing bigger how does that affect you it makes me feel suffocated


oh uhhuh I think that's where like at the beginning of the session it was like well I was feeling suffocated like in mult in multiple layers and I'm actually now thinking that like the hands around my throat and Suffocation is probably this concrete wall just getting bigger so it's not hands but it's actually a wall oh wow


yeah it's interesting isn't it that at the beginning of our session the image that came to Kaitlyn's mind was these multiple layers of hands suffocating her and choking her but it turns out that actually what was fueling that sense of Suffocation was this concrete wall inside of her straight jacketing her and making her feel so constricted so now that we have a sense of why this wall has been there it's time to guide Caitlyn to thank it for what it's been trying to do for her and I got to be honest its response is I don't think I've ever gotten this response before it's kind of interesting even a little defensive


I didn't really respond but the word that just poed into my mind again was selfish just like well you're selfish to feel that because I'm trying to keep you


safe even though concrete wall has reacted a little bit funny to being thanked I go ahead and decide to take it through the next step which lets it know that it's okay it no longer needs to feel think or behave the way it has been it's okay to Let It Go concrete Wall's response to this is quite different than the previous


response yeah I appreciate hearing that okay does it look any different or feel any different to


you it's it's changed okay it's actually not look concrete oh


okay it's now transparent


wow I've just had an opportunity to draw it again and it because it's transparent it has light rays going through it and the light rays are disrupting the darkness and it's that like inner Flame or something in a truth or something it's bigger yes yes yes yes still the sun is probably the biggest that it's been out of all three


drawings and for the first time I can see the green grass in the blue


skies I still can't reach it though but it's there I can see it I drew it for the first time yeah good good I know I'm feeling called to ask is there something else that you get the sense that it needs in order for it to dissolve I feel like it's telling me I need to name my truth I need to name it I need to know it completely and be confident in it to be able to say it out loud so when it says you know Caitlyn I think you need to State your truth what comes up for you what is your


truth what is my


truth think the first word and this is this wasn't identified by me but it's popping into my mind because it identified by to the people closest me is


fierce


okay I give


a protector creative but I feel like they're words to describe my truth but they're not my truth if you know what I mean see how this resonates for you is if you were to draw like an image or a symbol that it's like yeah that's my truth and you might not even have to put it into words like whether it's I've got the image okay there we go all right got it there we


go the first thing that I pictured was a frame and then I picted Embers then touching and connecting to other people so then I drew other people and then I and then I drew and I see their flames and then their Embers again then reached out to other people so it was kind of like it's something that I've always said something I've always said I want to do but feel like I haven't done it lately it's how I want to use whatever I have to connect others so that they can then extend their light and their gifts and they can make a better difference and then the picture of the world popped up and then I put that behind all the people and then Michael Jackson's healed a world lyrics popped into my head and I had to write it down and it said Heal the World make it a better place for you and for me and the entire human race there are people dying and if you care enough for the living make it a better place for you and for me my truth is to radiate light and healing and connection


yes now that Caitlyn has finally declared her truth let's see what's going on with wall has wall changed at [Music] all and I want to check in with the wall the concrete wall or sorry not concrete glass transparent is it still there what's it doing if it's there or what's happened to


it not there


anymore


what's going


[Music] on take your time you always leave me


c it's good it's


good take your time sweetie this is all wonderful these are good tears


yeah the T are F cuz it's not there anymore wow I didn't realize how bad


[Music]


yeah sorry no these are I'm so happy for you sweetie these are wonderful healing tears this is opening up even more space for your incredible


light oh that was like an emotion


release sounds like you're feeling feeling [Laughter] better I'm feeling better than I have in a very very long time God and I and I'm just reading I'm reading what I wrote again about my truth and it just feels so right and I feel like it's giving me direction yes yes yes that is actually your truth's job is to provide you with Clarity and direction in your life so now now that there's been this wonderful release now that the wall is gone now that there's Clarity and the sunlight is shining through you're able to feel its Radiance its wisdom its guidance more clearly than


ever wow thank you thank you my


friend you're so welcome sweetheart you're amazing and I just feel so blessed to get to do this with [Music] you in the months since our session Caitlyn has been on a slew of Adventures especially reconnecting with her family and learning more about herself and how she is carrying forward her ancestors Legacy of service to others she's had a lot of epiphanies about things she needs to change in order to live a fully authentic life one that truly honors her and her own truth here are a few of the things she said in a couple of voice messages she sent [Music] me how I see myself the only thing that matters if I know that I am leading a good life if I'm staying true to myself if I am living my truth I'm going to start having more tough conversations because this avoidance this people pleasing thing that I've done is actually not great it's not showing or sharing empathy it's still hurting me that's not living an authentic life and so I feel like the best way to honor myself is to live a pure and authentic life life I'm I'm on the verge I know it I can feel it I am so on the verge of something really big I'm really excited for the possibilities of what this next phase is going to look [Music] like I pray that Caitlyn's journey of rediscovering her truth inspires you to ReDiscover yours you may think you don't have one but I promise you do your truth is your inner knowing of who you you are and who you are here to be and when you live your truth you light up and when you light up you light up the world so whatever it takes do the inner work to reconnect with your truth Together We Can Heal the World and make it a better place I'm sending you my love you can see the drawings from this session at darklight truth.com if you enjoy darklight truth please give us a review and share about us on social media we would love this support and it helps us have a bigger impact if you want to learn how to draw out your own inner struggles take our free 45-minute course at community. changel lightworld if you're interested in private sessions of the drawing out process with me go to to Chang lightworld coaching if you'd like to receive training in the drawing out process please contact me directly at Emily changel light. World the drawing out process is not therapy and I am not a licensed therapist I developed this work myself and I am its exclusive owner and guide whether you are a Seeker or practitioner please respect that this is my proprietary work and it must be properly LED in order for it to be fully effective do not try to do this process on your own


[Music]


thanks it's it's like I don't know like it's kind of like an out of Body Experience right it's like it's like it's like you're watching it or like you're hearing it and you're just like whoa like where is this come from but like and you're just like oh okay this is yep yep cool yep all right got it well that just came out of my mouth okay I'm just GNA go with it see where this goes yeah and I'm just like can I like get back in already and control the convers but like you can't it's just like [Laughter] what

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