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  • Writer's pictureEmily Eldredge

📺 IWFGG | How to Release Internalized Family Patterns





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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: Hello! Hello! And welcome to Inner Work for Greater Good. My name is Emily Eldredge, as always. I'm here to teach you inner work that accelerates your power to change the world, to make a difference, to be the brightest, most incredible presence you can possibly be, which is, I hope, something that you want, because when you shine your light, or I should say the brighter you shine, the brighter you light up our world, and the world needs our life. Sorry I'm doing a little adjusting here.


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as you can see, I'm in a different background. I'm actually at my parents' house, and you know, trying to get as much light as I possibly can. in any case today. Well, speaking of which, actually, it's sort of the topic. Not not that my parents are quite the topic of today. But this idea of family internalized family patterns, how family impacts us and family can mean not that not just blood relatives it can be


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you grew up with and grew up around. You know who you consider to be family


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: from that perspective. Your caregivers, you know the people who really formed you from an early age.


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So this is obviously a really huge topic. I can't necessarily, you know, cover all the bases in just 1520 min here. But I'm just gonna try. My my intention is to really help you start to recognize how you may behaving, thinking, feeling in ways that are really influenced by your family, and maybe not so helpful, maybe not so useful to you, maybe even kind of toxic.


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And how to start to recognize those and how to undo some of those within yourself. But just to get that ball rolling because our families and our caregivers really really do impact a lot more than we realize. And the more I've done healing work on myself, the more I've discovered. Wow! There's a really deep sub gorgeous stuff here that, like I had no idea I was doing that, or I had no idea even


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: where that came from. And the reason why this is a topic right now is because yes, I'm with my parents right now. But also I've been spending some time with family this last week and spending time with family definitely gives me an opportunity to come. Observe, you know, some of the patterns, the dynamics, the behaviors, the attitudes, the emotional set points, whatever the react reactions or reactivity. you know, in in my family or gender. And and also even in this case, my extended family wasn't just family origin.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: And so it's always fascinating to me when I suddenly recognize like, oh, that's why I react that way, or that's why I think that way, or that's why, I, you know, respond that way in those situations when I see it in other people.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: when I see that you know certain patterns of behavior that I internalize whether I realized it or not. And we all do this. And one of the reasons, even from a brain perspective. And I'm not a brain expert. But one of the very basic reasons is what we call what are called mirror neurons. So basically, my understanding is that these are the neurons inside of our brains that cause us to literally mirror


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: what we see. And there are neurons from where I said it really really important, because, you know, not we a lot of what we learn, especially as children is based on what we see. So it's not, you know, the parents, you know. You want to say, we'll do as I say, not as I do. Yeah. Well, those mirror neurons are like, no, I'm going to do as you do like. That's what mirror neuron mirror neurons do. And so that's how we take on certain behaviors so deeply, unconsciously, because those mirror neurons are just reflecting.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: You know, they they just caused us to literally mirror behaviors that we've seen. And so people often say things like that, you know. I don't want to grow up, and being like my mother or like my father. Well, sometimes that's just what happens because of those mirror neurons. But it doesn't mean you're doing to always behave that way or that those mirror neurons can't be sort of, I guess, undone, or sort of, you know, not be in control, you know, we can actually undo some of that stuff.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: So, but the point is that that's why we often do mirror what we see we do as other people do, and not just what, as they say. And it's okay. It's, you know, it's about having compassion for yourself. When you realize that you've just been repeating a pattern or a kind of behavior even. you know belief that you saw exhibited in childhood, and may still be seeing exhibited in your family.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: So the point is that it's about really it more than anything I just want to like. Establish that the point. The the most important thing right now is to have compassion for yourself and for the people around you as we talk about this, because it's very easy to want to judge ourselves off. And why did they turn out like that and


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: well, mirror neurons and a lot of other reasons because of survival, because you had to adapt. And the same thing with the, you know, members of your family. I know that some of us have really really toxic family members, but also understand that a lot of times their behaviors come out of.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: you know, in reaction to their environment. And so there are certain things that we may look at them and go. God, that is really not a cool behavior. Why the hell did they do that? Well, there's some reason, you know, that we, you and I, may not even be aware of some subconscious reason why they behave that way.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: And it could be because they learned it from their environment. It could be an adaptation. It could be a rational reaction against however they grew up, or whatever their parents did, there could be all kinds of reasons. So it really is about having compassion.


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I'll just give you a few examples of what I mean when it's about, you know, observing with my family we're recognizing it even myself. So my husband And I, have these regular Sunday relationship meetings. We actually haven't had one for a few weeks, but it's for no reason, because we realize we haven't needed what we haven't had any sort of. We've he's so many things that we haven't had any kind of persistent issues that we needed to address on those Sunday meetings. So we actually have a native


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: to me. We'd sit down on Sundays and be like, not pretty good. Everything's good. Okay, But it was interesting, because there was one meeting


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: a number a couple of months ago, where my husband had an issue with how iv. 8, how I was really reactive in a in a certain way, and it really bothered him, you know. And he said, like, I don't like it when you react that way, like it works my feelings, or it just it feels like it's an overreaction. And as he was laying it out for me


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: he said, and I think it comes from. And he mentioned a couple of members of my family, and when he said that I was like, No, it doesn't come from that. But then I was like, wait a minute, you know I was like, hold on a minute. Let me just be open


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: and recept it, and maybe he's got a point I don't know. So as I sat with it, because that's part of our process, we sort of tell each other. You know your my grievances, and then we sit with whatever the person says.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: And, as I said, with that I was like. Wait a minute, he's right. Oh, my God!


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: That behavior that first of all, I didn't even realize I was doing. But then he says, bothers him. And then I realized, Okay, I was doing that behavior. And then he says, Well, he thinks that actually comes from these 2 members of my family, and then I learned it from them, and I was like no way. Wait a minute, he's right.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: He had a good point. He was able to see and observe things and behaviors in them, but then he was seeing and me, or rather, I think you probably was seeing it in them as well. And so it helped me to recognize where I've gotten those behaviors from. And and as I'm explaining this, let me just point out that this is a really good way to do step one. I'll I'll describe it as a sort of my approach is like, first of all, these guys.


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to be able to see what's going on. And oftentimes the relationships, whether it's a romantic like in my case with my husband, a romantic relationship. Or maybe it's you have a child who's been saying, Mom, you know, or Dad, I really like the way you do this.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: and to sit back. And you know it can be other people that help us recognize some of the things that we learned that we didn't even realize we were doing so. In this case my husband was completely right.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: He absolutely knew it. I was like, Oh, okay, he's right? Okay, then. And I and I have to process that and feel that another example of this is that you know part of my conversations this past week and family members is that one of them was talking about, you know. their struggles with another family number and and and it was interesting, because then I was able later on to observe that dynamic, and it was like.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: Oh, I see it now, whereas I might, it just kind of like, well, whatever that's the way things are. But then one person was really upset with how they were being treated, and then I was able to observe it myself. And I thought, Oh, wow! That's pretty intense. And so, as I talk to this person who is struggling, you know, we talked about that person's history.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: And we talked about, you know, when they first remember feeling that way, or if if in their childhood they've been treated that way by someone and And sure enough, this person said, you know. What I I realized is that I didn't necessarily I don't remember. I know is that that that person didn't remember being treated that way, but also I ever treating other people that way.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: And so it was this interesting where they were suddenly aware of. Oh, okay, this pattern here and this pattern here. And oh, and this is why I allow myself to be treated this way. And so we were able to get down there. So the point is, there can be multiple layers as to why we behave the way we do. It could be also that we are like, you know that that people are treating us the way we've treated others. There can be all kinds of layers there.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: But it. The point is that she had really noticed that this other person's behavior was really upsetting for for her.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: and that's and that she wanted to kind of understand what those dynamics were And also I want to even point out to that it might not be be just like a simple behavior here and there, like oh, you know the way The father treats his son, or the way the husband treats the wife, or, or, you know, partnership. My wife treats the wife, whatever, but it can be more of a systemic thing that you observe within your family, and that there are certain patterns of


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: patterns of behavior, but also like


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: patterns of patterns of relationship and even patterns around. For example, emotions. And the reason why I'm gonna mention this is because for a lot of reasons. So when I say this, I don't, you know, critically. But you know, in in in part of my family there's kind of a culture of


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: emotional dismissiveness like dismissing emotions. Now don't get me wrong. It's not like they don't show emotions because they do, and it's not as though they don't. You know you don't say I love you or whatever. But there are certain areas and certain sort of


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: just just sort of Maybe it's areas of conversation. Or maybe it's just certain the word to use. But that. And what being emotionally dismissive is just kind of the default reaction, and just a little window into, you know, I mean, look, I'm 48, my grandparents, I I've all died.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: but they came from a generation where, like they went through World war 2, and you know one of them was even over there. Another one was, you know, involved in the effort, and you know, so they come from certain generation


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: where? And so the British way of putting it is like, you know, we'll stip up her lip and not my, I don't. My family isn't actually British, I mean.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: culturally, I guess, way back, we're British. But but but that kind of that's it. That's what kind of what I mean by emotional dismiss, and this is a stip, upper lip attitude, or there is. I always just sort of laugh away things that upset us rather than really dealing with the emotions. But then what can often happen is when those emotions end up losing out somewhere else.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: and they and they show up in other kinds of behaviors that aren't healthy, and so I'm not trying to put my own family on the spot here, or we're members of my family. But I'm just saying that. That's what can happen is that you actually have within the family culture. Within that family system there can be sort of


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: the pervasive in this case attitudes about emotions or reactions to or against emotions. And so that's something else to be aware of in your own family system and your own parents and your own, or even in your own immediate family of like. Maybe that you're repeating is that there can be some things that are more systemic.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: So it can be individual behaviors and certain types of reactivity, let's say, but it can also be more systemic things. And while those systemic behaviors are sort of cultural family family culture aspects


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: could have served the family at a you know, any particular time, if it's being carried forward, and it doesn't serve the family anymore, that it might be worth looking at and releasing. And that's not to say that all family cultural things are bad. Some of them are great. My family is like fabulous like. They're so great in so many ways. But, like all families, you know, we've got stuff, and we've got stuff to work on that you know. Maybe not. All of us are aware of.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: So those I I again, I'm trying to plant some seeds and get you thinking about


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: the about the influences in your life, and how you might also be carrying those influences forward. So you know, unhealthy ones, unhelpful ones. So just, I wrote down, you know, 3 sort of steps. This is how I tend to approach. It is first of all is, try to notice


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: the family pattern, and whether it's sort of just individual behaviors or something more systemic and cultural. Notice the pattern and and the reason why I mentioned my husband and I before. That is because it took my husband pointing out


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: what the patterns were like, what those reactive behaviors for, because I grew up in it, I can't necessarily see it clearly for myself. And so that's where the relationships in our lives. you know whether they be our own children or our partners, or whatever can actually be very helpful in in recognizing things that we may not recognize ourselves. So it's important to listen to them assuming they're you know, they're they're


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: reliable, you know. Witnesses for us is, listen to them and listen to maybe their criticism about what critiques I don't like to say courtesy. So much is, listen for the to listen for the feedback, if they might, the helpful feedback that they might actually be giving you. And that's a way to really be more aware of the subconscious patterns that you're repeated, that you don't even realize you're repeated.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: so that's the first one. The second one is. Notice, if you're reacting like or against. Okay. So if you're reacting or behaving like, let's say your mother, I mean, there are plenty of ways that I behave like my mother because my mother is a big influence in my life, and because she raised me, and because genetically, I got her jeans, you know. So I got some of that. There are also a lot of ways that I'm like my dad, though, too. That's been. What's interesting is, I'm noticing like, Oh, I can see I get this from Mom. But I'm actually luck, really, my dad in this way.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: And so notice, though, if you know, for example, if you had, let's say you've had a parent like raged at you


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: and and so you might have taken on some of those behaviors, and you end up raging at your children or other people in your life. But at the same time, or, on the other hand, you might actually end up have ended up reacting against that.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: So if you saw a lot of rage in your environment and you, you know, rage scares you. You didn't. Wanna you don't want to end up like that. You might be reacting against and not feel range or deny your own anger, or, you know, suppress it, or you know. Avoid that.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: you know the people always talk about. I tend to avoid confrontation. I don't like confrontation, you know, and and so you might be the type who's like, well, I don't want to make that person that


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: or I don't want to upset anyone. And so you you avoid it. in that way. And so that's important to recognize, too. Yeah, okay, you may not have turned out like your mom, but the way you've turned out may be actually a reaction against your mom, and in that case it might still not be totally helpful. Because you're actually, then you're not in control. Your behaviors are more about reacting against something and not wanting to be that way or want to be perceived that way


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which can have its own problems. Okay? So it's about really being in balance with them.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: and then, finally.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: as you know, notice the parts of you. Well, I should. Actually, this is number 3. There's probably a fourth one, as you know. Notice the parts of you


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: that formed in reaction, or like you know, or to be like, and you know, to adapt in terms of your family system and your family culture. And the reason why I say notice the parts of you is because


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: you behave that way, because parts of you carry those behaviors or carry those emotional patterns, or those wounds, or what have you those defense mechanisms? And when we can see it as parts. And if you've seen my other episodes, you know, I talk a lot about this. This is basically what my work is. It's a kind of really powerful parts. Work is that when we can actually see this, oh, it's not just, it's not me. It's a part of me that reacts this way. It's a part of me that's carrying the energy from that relationship.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: you know, reacting like that person or against that person. And so when you can recognize the parts of you that are carrying those emotional charges, or those emotional patterns or behavior patterns, and you notice those parts of you that are carrying those. It makes that


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: those behaviors and those attitudes, etc., a lot easier to work with as opposed to just going. Oh, I'm this way, or I react this way. So you know, wait a minute. There's a part of me that's reacting this way. And in that case you can do. Number 4, which is, I often tell people you know, draw out.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: take my free course, and learn how to draw out those parts, because when you actually draw them out, you don't actually make them stronger within you. You actually make them less strong. You help them release their their energy and externalize that energy out of you in somewhere safe onto a piece of paper, so that rather than controlling you, they're not controlling this much. That energy is kind of released. And there's a lot more I talk about in the course where you know, to teach you how to really release this stuff


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: and understand it all right. So as always, I really hope this has been helpful to start to recognize where some of your stuff has come from, because it's come from somewhere, I mean. Sure, some of it's genetics. There are plenty of like ways that I think, or how I sort of the rhythm that I follow, that I think are kind of genetically like, for example, like my dad, or like my mom.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: But there is a lot of other that you know, instead of nature. It's more about nurture. And when we can really undo and release some of the nurture stuff that's not helping us anymore, then we can really


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: shine brighter in our actual nature, in our Truth. All right. I hope this has been helpful, as always as always. I'm Emily Eldredge, with ChangeLight dot world is to take the free course, take the free, you know, get in the free community and listen to that pretty podcast Dark Light Truth.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: which is out. Now look it up on any podcast app. You've got Dark Light Truth. And if you need to do my last name as well so that you can find it or look up, ChangeLight so you can find it that way, because I've got some amazing episodes out, and I've got even more amazing ones coming out. All right. Take care, and I hope you're well, and I will see you next week.


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