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  • Writer's pictureEmily Eldredge

📺 IWFGG | When Not to Take Care of Others' Feelings





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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: Hello, Hello! Welcome to another episode of Inner Work for Greater Good. I am Emily Eldridge, as always. Your, I would say, fearless hostess, but that's just not true. Plenty of fears. They come up all the time. That's pretty much why I do the work that I do, because I wanna help others be free of their fears for us all to be really, truly feeling whole and at peace and empowered within ourselves. And obviously I've had to do a lot of work myself, which is why I know how to talk about this.


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Alright. So


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: today's topic is when not to take care of others feelings. Okay? So I might say a few controversial things here. But first of all, and mind you, I'm only talking about adults. I understand that when it comes to children sometimes we have to be especially mindful of their feelings over other, sometimes situations. So, for example.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: you don't always tell. Wanna tell the full Truth to a child because they may not be able to process that information. Okay, so I just want to establish. There are exceptions to this. But


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: in general, I actually think it's not a good idea generally


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: to think in terms of trying to take care of other people's feelings. Now, what do I mean by that?


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: No, no, no, no! Let let me back up.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: taking care of others feelings. When should you not take care of others feelings? Or when should you


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: be aware of? Okay. I am just rambling here. How do I articulate this alright bear with me.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: Here's a general rule that I see. but when not to take care of others. Feelings. and that is, when taking care of other people's feelings.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: means hurting ourselves. means sacrificing our own well being


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: means denying our own power, denying our own Truth, denying what we know is right for us. Now, what's an example of that? So, for example.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: If I may feel like there is some action that I need to take in my life. Let's say it's I'm going to pursue a certain career path. Okay, and I'm afraid to tell my parents that. Let's say, because I'm afraid of their reaction. I'm afraid they'll judge me. I'm afraid they'll attack me. I'm afraid of all kinds of things.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: You can decide whether or not or when the time is right, or even if you want to tell your parents, I can decide if I want to tell my parents the Truth.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: But the the issue is that when we stop ourselves from speaking a Truth or doing something that's empowering for us because we're afraid of the other person's reaction to that, because we're trying to take care of their feelings, because maybe we're afraid they'll be scared, or they'll be angry, or they just can't handle it, or whatever.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: And yet we sacrifice ourselves, and we deny ourselves something that we know is right for us, for good for us. or we don't speak our Truth because we're again afraid of their reaction. That's when I think we need to be careful about taking care of other people's feelings. Sorry, my phone just made noise


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: is that it's is that when it means that we're hurting ourselves because we're trying to protect those other people that are the person


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: or if we're hurting the people around us


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: because we're making choices that are about catering to, or fear of, or you know, deference to, that other person's feelings, or their reaction, and yet their actions, or their behaviors, or their whatever is hurting us or the people around us, but we don't say anything. We wanna take care of their things. We wanna try to placate or appease


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: that. I don't think is healthy. And the reason why I wanna bring this up as a topic is because I think we do this a lot more than we've realized, I definitely spent a lot of my life doing this really, because I was sort of raised that way. I was sort of raised in an environment where it was always about, you know, when it's take care of other people's feelings, even if it meant we got it in the neck, even if it meant we got hurt. It was always this fear of the other person's reaction. And so, therefore it's putting their feelings


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: as primary over ours, their feelings ahead of our own.


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and that can lead to a very toxic


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: harmful situation harmful to us, harmful to the people we love. And also it's not holding that person to what's their responsibility and what is their responsibility, their own feelings. And that's what I was. Gonna say, that might be kinda controversial, because, you know, I think sometimes we're raised in environmental, we grow up in environments or we're in society. We're unconsciously, we don't even realize


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: how much we are putting other people's feelings ahead of our own. We are taking care of everyone else rather than or not, in addition to taking care of ourselves.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: And this is where I will argue


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: that we need to make sure that we are not sacrificing our own well-being


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: for others, because here's what also happens when we don't.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: First of all, we hurt ourselves right. We hurt ourselves when we put other people's feelings continually ahead of our own, and then it means that we don't take actions that might be empowering or healthy or right for us, because it's always about worrying about their feelings, or don't not, don't want them to get upset, or whatever, but what that also does, though when we don't speak our Truth or do what's true or right for us.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: we also don't give that other person the opportunity, for example, to deal with their own feelings, because if we're taking care of their feelings, then they're probably not taking care of their own feelings right. We are taking responsibility, too much responsibility for other people's wellbeing, while at the same time sacrificing our own. And that is where I feel it is not healthy or okay.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: 2.


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To take care of other people's fitness when it's hurting us, but also when it's denying them the opportunity to learn how to do it for themselves.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: Okay, very important.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: The opposite, of course, is to not care about anybody else's feelings, and that is not what I'm arguing here. So let me make it very make that very clear. This isn't. You should just. We should all just go through life not giving a damn about how anyone else feels or not, considering their reaction to our choices. That is the exact opposite. So


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: I'm so that's where you're airing on the other side. And you know, people like this, too, right, who are all about like I don't care. I just say I just say what it is, and I just da da, da, and it's all this very sort of defensive or even offensive attacking. You know, aggressive sort of energy that just says, Well, I don't care what anybody else thinks, and while there is some help in that, in that, it's important for us to honor what's right for us, independently of whether or not, you know, people.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: whatever their opinion might be, let's say.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: But the problem with that is, that's a more of a defensive stance that's more of a reactive stance as opposed to from a place of peace and clarity and knowing. And that's also lacking in empathy.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: And so I think, and this is why I'm bringing this up with you all because we're women, and and also as a healer myself, and someone who's all about emotional. Well being is that sometimes those people like me. And but you know you're like this. We can air too much on the side of too much empathy, where we're so empathic towards how that versus feeling that then we're sacrificing ourselves, or then we're not paying attention to ourselves. Well, then, we're taking more care of that person than we are of ourselves, and we're not


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: enabling them to 2. We're not, and we're not trusting them to be strong enough to handle whatever it is that they need to handle whatever their own feelings are.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: Okay. If we're never given the opportunity to deal with our own feelings, and if somebody is always taking care of them. Then when do we learn how to deal with them for ourselves? And this is very much, you know. If you're familiar with the drama triangle, you know this is kind of a rescuer thing where the the rescue part of the drama triangle your persecutor, rescue a victim if you're not familiar with the drama triangle. Look it up. The drama, triangle the cartman drama, triangle every person on the planet should know the drama triangle.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: But, for example, in the rescuer role. That's a very classic situation, where the rescuer is constantly trying to rescue the victim and take care of the victim or the person who sees themselves as a victim, and try to fix things for them, and try to placate and try to, you know, take care of their feelings.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: but at the same time that rescuer, though, may also be denying their own feelings, or maybe sacrificing too much of themselves to take care of that person, and that is where that's not healthy. And also there's a kind of I don't know if the word is codependents or whatever there that's rescuers believe is, I'm not. Okay, if you are okay, and that's not healthy, because there's no sovereignty in that to say that I can be okay, even if you're not okay. And that's more on the


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: healthy triangle. Look that up as well. This is the the complementary, the healthy triangle, and the healthy corresponding role for the rescuer on the healthy triangle


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: is caring right, so we can be caring about other people without trying to rescue them. We can be caring about them without trying to constantly take care of their feelings, or deny them, or deny them the opportunity to figure it out for themselves, or trust that they have the power to do it themselves. So instead of me going oh, here, I'll tell you, I'll do it for you, or oh, well, you know, not wanting to be honest with that person, because you're


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: of their reaction. That would be sort of that taking care of feelings, rescuer thing


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: instead to say, Yeah, gosh, I know you're in a lot of pain, and and to be able to speak our own Truth, and to be able to trust that they can take care of their own feelings, and thus not jump into that rescueable which ultimately is harmful for us and not necessarily helpful for them.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: I realize I jumped around a lot, but I guess my point as always, to get you thinking about when are you taking care of others? Feelings in, in, in move, your own, or instead of your own or not in balance with your own. And that's my point is that there's the overly caring for other people's feelings and taking care of their feelings, and then there's the I don't give a damn, I don't care. And this is this is almost like over empathy and under empathy.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: And so really the key is balance to be able to be present with and recognize. Okay, this is how I'm feeling. This is what I know is true for me. This is what I feel is right for me. This is what I need to say. This is what I need to do, whatever it is that we know we need to do


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: and to be present with an aware of okay, and they may have a reaction to that. And they may not like that, and that may you know they may take that as fruitful, or they may get angry, or whatever, and to say Okay, and being present with both, but not necessarily saying, Well, then, I'm gonna step back, and I'm not gonna do, or I'm not gonna say what I need to say. And I'm just gonna try to placate them. No, that's not


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: healthy, because what ends up happening is we end up suffering, and we end up denying our own Truth. And we end up denying our own power, and not trusting them


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: to to to find the power within themselves and take control of what is theirs, and that is their feelings.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: We are all responsible for our own feelings, and there's a very practical reason why this is true. because I cannot, even if I am the nicest person on the planet. I cannot make you happy.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: I cannot make someone else happy. I cannot make someone else feel good about themselves. I may be able to say some things that influence that, but it's still their feelings are inside of them. They're not inside of me. I can't grab their feelings and do stuff with them. No, and if I try to do that, then I'm manipulating them trying to control something I shouldn't try to control, and I can't control.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: By the same token, I wouldn't want someone manipulating me. I don't want someone to try to take care of my feelings. My feelings are my job.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: They're my job. They're inside me. Therefore they're my responsibility.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: So that's something else to remember. We are all responsible for our own feelings. That doesn't mean that we go around saying things to people and say, Well, I'm not, you know, same mean things to anyone, and they may like well, whatever it's your fault that you're upset. No.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: no, that's again, that's that lacking empathy. But to be able to be present with the both, and of it, and ultimately to honor ourselves, because when we dishonor ourselves, we feel it on some level.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: and it really can corrode our sense of our own power and presence and purpose and light. and, as always, I am all about what is good and right for you. Do what's in alignment with your Truth, trust yourself, trust your own power.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: and also trust that other people can figure it out for themselves. We can help those of us who are healers and helpers. We can help, but it's not our job


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: to do it for anyone else, or to take care of anyone else's feelings at the expense of our own.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: and that, I believe, is when we are not supposed to take, especially when we're not supposed to take care of other people's feelings. All right.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: as always. I hope this is helpful. I hope this gave you some food for thought. Please to listen to my latest episode of the podcast actually, it's coming out. Friday. I'm working on it right now, it's not out yet, but it's coming out. We should be out by the time some of you will see this and


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: listen to my, podcast in which you can hear people actually heal their inner critics, their inner wounded child. All kinds of things feel just amazingly in just a few hours. And each episode is about an hour long, so I hope, really enjoy it. Alright. Take care! I will see you next week.


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