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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Hello, hello, everyone, and welcome to Inner Work for Greater Good. My name is Emily Eldredge. I am the founder of ChangeLight, the creator of the ChangeLight System, and i'm here to help you with inner work that will accelerate your power to feel good and do good, so you can make an even bigger difference in the world, because I know that those of us who do work so hard on ourselves that's really what we want is to be better human beings right? That's what it's all about. And to be better human beings right. That's what it's all about, and to be better human beings right. That's what it's all about. And to be better human beings right. That's what it's all about, and to be better human beings right. That's what it's all about, and to be better Human beings. Right. That's what it's all about. And
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: off my phone do not disturb. There we go. Sorry about that, anyway. So here's a question. Here's a consideration. Let's put it this way when it comes to those of us. Speaking of those of us who do in our work. Speaking of those of us who do work hard on ourselves, my guess is, if you're like me, you are someone who really takes responsibility for your behaviors for your thoughts, your feelings. You really are all about what is going on inside of me that's causing me to show up a certain way, or caused me to react a certain way? Or why do I have certain patterns and
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: relationships or work, or you know, what have you? And so you know a lot of times, those of us who are very self-aware, or at least trying to be, and at least really trying to work on ourselves. If You're like me you probably have in your history or in your current life right now, a tendency to not only take responsibility for your behaviors, and to try to do it for the other person as
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: as well, and or to take more responsibility for an issue or a problem, or a situation? Or what have you between you and someone else for you inside of, let's say, a group of people. Let's say, there's a pattern of toxic behavior. Let's say that there's a pattern of conflicts with the struggles. Let's say that you know you keep running into You know certain circumstances and and and thinking.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: tending to take a lot of responsibility and people that I just need to work on this. And I need to fix what's going on inside me. That's Basically, causing people to react this way where it's creating this problem in the relationship, whether it's a romantic relationship or a friendship.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so I don't know about you. But I definitely have an old history of taking more taking responsibility for more than what's mine. So I end up doing the work on myself, but also doing, like all this work, hoping that it's going to change that person's behavior. Or another way this can show up is we try to get the other person to, really, you know, See what's wrong and really work really, really hard within the relationship, the dynamic to get them to have a shift as well get them to see you know the work that they can do themselves, or even try to do that work for
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for them. You know on them. You know whether you have a certain technique that you d0 0r maybe you're a coach, or you know you. You have a therapist, let's say, and it's like you're trying to get that other person to be as involved as you are. And so you're working super super super hard in that relationship
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: to fix whatever's going on. But
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: at the same time that other person Isn't, working as hard as you are, They're not really doing their own in their work. They're not taking responsibility as much responsibility as you are.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: For their part in the dynamic. We always know it takes 2 to tango, and so as much as we, those of us who do in our work, you know. Sometimes we can tend to do all the tango we, you know we can tend to do too much dancing or too much leading, trying to get the other person to do their part, to play their role, to see where they're. You know, having stuff they need to work on within the relationship so that everything can be better.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: This is always very well intentioned. I will put it that way. Let's just put that, as you know, say, say that here that it's always well intentioned, right? We want the other person to be better, but also because a lot of times it it can be actually self serving. We want a better relationship.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so we figure we can put that work into it. You know we can try to help them be different, then things are going to be better. But sometimes the other person just is not where you are. They're just not taking responsibility. They're just not seeing. Whatever. Maybe, their part in this situation, they're not working on the healing they're not.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: or rather even more, toxic, is kind of what made me think about it? This was watching a TV show where this was. Some of the behaviors is they're projecting
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and say, Well, you're the one who has the problem, or you're the one who's being this way, or you're the one who needs to work on yourself. You're the one who needs therapy that can be a very toxic thing as well, or the other person rather than going. You know what I see that we've got an issue going on Here we have a bunch of issues, whether again friendship or romantic relationship. You know what we both need to d0 0ur own work on this, and hopefully be able to come together and work together as well to be better in this connection that we have.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: or in this these issues that we're experiencing. But sometimes the other person not not only doesn't do their own work, they actually turn it back on zoom.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and they make it your fault that there's all the problems which can end up exacerbating that tendency that you may already have, that I've definitely had of thinking. Well, yeah, it is. It is me. And I just. I can just figure this out if I can just work on myself and sort of unlock the mysteries inside of me and heal whatever is going on inside me. Then it's going to fix everything, and then, and you know you can fill in the blank there. Then they will treat me with more respect. Then they will come back to me, or then they will apologize, or if I apologize, if times and take them
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responsibility when they'll they'll see it, they'll get it.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: That is the extreme version. That's of course, the toxic version of basically when we're trying so hard to take responsibility for ourselves and our behaviors that the other person not only is not that they're and they they are not, and they are faulting us for the problems
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: that I will just.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: I'm just gonna throw this out here. I highly recommend watching some videos on things like narcissism, because projection, extreme projection like that and lack of accountability and empathy and responsibility can actually be examples of symptoms of narcissism that could be
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: what you're dealing with. I am not gonna name names, or you know. Say, this person's a narcissist. I'm: just gonna really recommend that you watch videos about it, and especially I really love the work of Dr. Rameny R. A. And I,
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and so just want to put that out there. But really, I want to talk about this this dynamic of when we're the only ones doing the inner work, and the other person is not.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: let me just say just something to know, as a rule of thumb in every scenario, in every relationship
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: we are only responsible for ourselves, our stuff, what we bring
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: to the relationship to the situation. And mind you, for parents out there, i'm not saying you're not responsible for your kids.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: There's there's there's a whole bunch of layers there, so i'm not going to go there. I'm just talking about. Let's say, for now just between 2 adults, we are responsible for our own behaviors, our own thoughts, our own feelings. However, we show up.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: We are not responsible
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: for what that other person does, how they react, how they behave, whatever their rooms are, whatever their triggers are, we are not responsible for that other person's stuff.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: They are responsible for their stuff. And here's why I think I've talked about this before. For one thing, we can't control that
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: period. You can't control what that person's triggers are. You can't control what their emotional stuff is. You can't control their thoughts and feelings. You can try, and I've tried, and I know a lot of us have tried, and there are reasons why we try psychological reasons. Usually it's about control. We think that if we can maybe help that person feel better or not react that way, they will be more safe. So a lot of times we're trying to wanting to make ourselves more safe
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: by trying to consciously and unconsciously trying to control that person's reactions or their emotional state, so that out there as well. But ultimately you're not responsible for my feelings or my thoughts, or my triggers, or my you. You can't.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: because you can't control what goes on inside of me, just as I can't control what goes on inside of you. We can obviously have an impact on each other. We can obviously save things that you know that maybe even to deliberately trigger someone or that accidentally trigger someone, but ultimately their trigger is their trigger, and it's their job to work on it. Just our it's our job to work on our triggers.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: It is not our job to do someone else's in our work for them. We cannot. That other person has to choose
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: to do their own in our work to be a part of the solution, and that includes, even if you're like, okay, when I go to couples therapy with my husband or my my partner, and you get in there, and it's like, okay? Well, this person seems like they're choosing to be here. But are they really? Then taking the lessons doing the in our work just as you are.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: It's just something to really consider
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: in terms of when we relate t0 0ther people, how how much are we? How much more responsibility for other people's, behaviors, thoughts, and feelings and reactions, how much responsibility are we, how much more than necessary are we taking.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: How much are you taking on? That is not yours to take on? That is not your responsibility, and that frankly, you can't control period full stuff, because here's the reality I could say to you, you know Well.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: or let's say you say to me, i'll I'll put it that way because I want to say anything to you. But let's say you were to say to me, you're so stupid. I could have all kinds of reactions to that. No, i'm not. I'm not stupid. How dare you say that to me? Or I could be like.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: or I could say, oh, wow, that's interesting. I wonder why you feel that way. Ha! You know what what makes you what makes you say that? Why are you thinking that i'm stupid?
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The the point is.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: I could have any number of inner and outer reactions to you, telling me that i'm stupid. What is it that determines that reaction
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: both inner and outer? And I say, inner and outer, because sometimes someone can have an external reaction that the lies, what's actually going on inside. But really, what is it? Let's just say inside. What is it that determines how I react to you calling me stupid?
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: It has to do
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: with my emotional state in the moment my own personal triggers, my own defense, defense, net mechanisms, or lack there of my own ego, my level of narcissism or or fragmentation on the inside. But the point is
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: what it's, what's going on inside of me. That determines my reaction to you, saying that to me
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and that's not to say that therefore it's okay to just tell someone what you're stupid if you feel like it. Well, then, it's your fault that you're feeling that way, because that's actually right. There, that's actually that's like a gas lighting maneuver to then just be like, Well, i'm just gonna say whatever i'm gonna say, and if somebody has a reaction that's their fault. That's their trigger, that kind of approach that that can be a form of gas lighting. So i'm not saying that therefore you're not responsible
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: ever, ever ever for how you behave and how other people react. But I am saying that you can say that to me, and you could say that t0 10 people, and we might have all different reactions to it. And it's because of what's going on inside of us.
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I will tell you that for myself one of the big motivators over the years for me with inner work is that I didn't like the way I reacted when people would say things to me. I didn't like getting upset. I didn't like getting triggered. I didn't like, you know, getting angry. I didn't like my own reaction. I wanted to feel it piece within myself, no matter what anyone said to me.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so that's where like That's why, if you were to tell me i'm stupid. I might be like taking it back. I mean, what was that about, you know? But then I make it like, okay. So
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: where's that coming from, you know. And then part of my fox might also be like. You know I check it with myself. Am I stupid? We are probably stupid in some ways. There are plenty of ways in which i'm. Not that you know I I don't. I don't know where it's at, or I may have a lot to work on.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: but am I generally generally stupid? No, I am confident enough myself, and I trust myself enough, and i'm educated enough, etc., so i'm not stupid. I might make mistakes. But it doesn't just, you know, dismiss me as stupid.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so I'm: I would be able to g0 0 0kay, yeah, that kind of hurt my feelings that you said that.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But all right, you know that's your perception. And then I might even be able to recognize and go look out. Maybe that's that person. Maybe they feel stupid. And so that's why they feel the need to tell me. I'm stupid if I didn't do anything to solicit that reaction.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So again, there are all kinds of complicated levels of understanding within a relationship situation within an interaction between. We're we're we're we're dealing with my in our stuff. You know. We're all dealing with everybody else's our stuff. But my point of this video
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: is that when we're talking about doing your in our work. Make sure
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: that you are only doing your inner work, and you're not trying to get other people
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: to You're not trying to do their inner work for them, or you're not doing the vast majority of the inner work in the relationship. If it's a situation where really there are 2 things, you know, 2 people with issues going on here, and you know people each need to take responsibility
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: for their own roles, their own reactions, their own stuff
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: in the relationship in the interaction.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Okay, so that's just that's the my main message today is just really notice when you are
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: trying to hard to do somebody else's work for them.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: or you're taking on more than you are responsible for, and trying to change yourself so that that other person doesn't have a certain reaction, for example. and also as you're looking at that within yourself, be aware of what is it like? If you are taking on more than you should. If you are taking too much responsibility in an interaction with someone else, or you know, dynamic with someone else. Then consider why that might be.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And I did mention earlier in this. In this episode I mentioned about control. I will tell you that I did that for a long time. I thought that if I can just do my amendment work. Then I could basically fix everything.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and that if I can just heal whatever I've got going on inside of me, then it'll heal the relationship. Everything will be better. But ultimately I realized that ultimately it was actually me trying to control the situation. I was trying to control the energy and the emotions within those interactions with that person.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And it was also trying to, because because I thought that if I could make things better in this scenario than actually I could protect myself, and I wouldn't get hurt you so it was really all about me serving myself in that moment.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and you know as much as I was trying to help the other person. Some of it was also because I just I thought if if that person will, If if I can get back to you, feel better, then I won't get hurt. You saved, and that is not that my experience that is a very toxic approach I used to do.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Still probably sometimes do it. I'm catching myself here and there, but I just want to point this out that as we talk about in a work. Make sure you're only doing your own in a work that's yours to do.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Not anyone Else's because they're they're in a work. Is not your job. It's never your job.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: All right. Hope. This is helpful, as always. I'm Emily at ChangeLight that world. You can email me and check out our ChangeLight community where we felt that's a free programs. We got a freakin for the free community, and you can connect with others in there who are also doing their in our work
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: for greater good ChangeLight that world. All right. Well, I love you. I hope you have fabulous week, and, by the way, I have to notice it's a day after Valentine's day, so i'm wearing red.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: That's why i'm wearing a lot of red. So I meant to mention that, for I hope you had a great valentine's day, you know, with someone else, or maybe just with yourself, because you are special and precious and wonderful and worthy of love.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: All right, talk to you later.