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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: Hello, everyone. My name is Emily Eldredge with
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: okay, I'm just gonna tell you right now, one of the reasons why I'm having trouble speaking is because I'm kind of emotional right now, as I'm sure many of us are. I'm my name is Emily Eldredge. I'm with Inner Work for Greater Good as always, teaching you ways to
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: healey yourself. So that you can better change the world and better be a bigger light and presence in the world, and if there's ever a time that we need more light, it's now it's every day I'm emotional for a lot of reasons. I've got some things going on in my personal life that are, you know, that I'm sorting out and having to make some tough decisions on. But also, obviously the situation. In the Middle East
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: and with everything that happened last week, and II think even the week before III talked about it a little bit. My show last week. Because I talked about the whole victim persecutor, dynamic in the drama triangle, and the fact that victims can just as easily become persecutors, and vice versa. The persecutors can end up being victims. And then, of course, there are a lot of innocents who are not in that drama triangle who end up getting hurt by this dynamic.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: But it's been a tough week personally. Well, you know, personally is different. It's been a tough week from that perspective when it comes to the
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: issue in the Middle East. Long standing issues there. Because I have a lot of friends who have been affected by that. Some of my friends who are Jewish, some are Israeli, some are Jewish, with lots of Israeli ties. Others are Palestinian, others are Muslim. I've got a lot of friends across the spectrum, and I've been supportive as I can be to them.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: and went to an event the other night. Action which I sat next to a friend who's an Israeli woman and she is, was vibrating with pain and trauma and vicarious trauma, also from helping so many people.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: and it reminded me of when I was a first responder at 9 11. So I was at ground 0. I was a New Yorker. I just ran down one of those spontaneous volunteers, and I ended up staying there, living at the pit for about 2 weeks and helping. However, I could.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: I'm gonna actually start with telling you a little bit about that story. But basically, what happened was I. In that moment, when it happened, I just knew I was going
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: like it wasn't emotional. It wasn't reactive. It was just a knowing
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: I'm going down there. I'm gonna go help! And I didn't even know what I was gonna do. I didn't know how, but I just knew I just knew that I was going whereas everybody else, of course, is running away and trying to find safety. I knew that I had to be at ground 0 in that moment, and so I was there and as it turns out, I went down to help with supplies and the sort of running supplies.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: and to be honest with you. I was not very good at it. I mean, that's sort of what was happening, because we were getting so many donations just flooded with things even to the point where we were like, we don't need this. Please stop sending this, but you know the full world wants to help, and they don't know what what they can do. And so people, just, you know, just rush into try to support. However, they can.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: Even if it's like Overkill, or even if it's not helpful. Not that. That's you know. Everyone's always good at well intended, of course. But the point being that
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: I ended up being down there. I wasn't very good at doing running the supplies. I'm just not great at logistics. It's just not a thing I can do it in some circumstances I was fabulous planning my own wedding planning trip. I'm great, but other stuff not so great. But the point being that. When I was down there I knew that I had to be there, and there were a lot of people down there, and people were very traumatized by other people coming from all over the world.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: and we're down at the pit pulling bodies out of the level. And they were traumatized, and I didn't even realize I what I was doing. But I ended up helping some of those people just. And I'm not a therapist. I wasn't a therapist then, and just spontaneously helping them
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: and pulling them aside and giving Hanson really sitting and listening, and was, as someone else described. You know, I would sit with him until the light came back into their eyes physically, as the people
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: deeply, deeply traumatized by what they were experiencing, and they lost fellow firefighters, and it's just horrific.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: But the point is. And then I ended up doing a lot of work afterwards. With help start at Community Center and September space, and did a lot with firefighters really going to fire houses and helping because I knew they weren't talking to their families because they didn't want to traumatize their families, but I also knew they weren't talking to therapists, because, you know, tough to talk to therapists. But they talk to someone like me because I've been at the pit. They knew I understood, etc.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: The point is, I ended up being I was. I was really driven to help, and it was almost like intoxicating. It was almost like an addiction, because I felt the sense of purpose, and I felt the sense of mission, and I knew that I was helping people. But what I didn't realize was how I was getting hurt
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: by the experience. How was how I was hurting myself with the choices that I was making and the circumstances in which I was putting myself, even when I was beyond burnout, even when I was so, you know, just dog tired and even when I found that I was drinking a little bit more than usual, that kind of thing and and so it actually what ended up happening was my body stopped me.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: I ended up getting the most horrific eczema all over my whole body. And you know, as people who would say to me. They said they they watch me scratch myself until I bled
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: and it was it was excruciating. But the point is what finally got me to stop was my own body.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: Partly my own vanity, because I don't want to be seen that way in public, because I look absolutely horrible. I did not look like myself. But also because I was II just didn't have the energy. I didn't have the well being to be able to be there for other people. And so it wasn't because of any wise choice on my part.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: Or any sort of you know, decision to care for myself that I stopped doing, or at least hugely slow down what I was doing. It was because I had to. I didn't have the energy. I didn't have the well being. I was embarrassed, or, you know, ashamed of how I looked.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: And it's almost like my body knew that. That's what it would take to. Finally get me there.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: sit down and stop and start to take care of me. The point is. I know how it is to be a position where we see horrible things happening in the world.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: and we desperately wanna help. And sometimes we're in a position to help, and sometimes we're not. And honestly, one of the things I am grateful for is that when 9 11 happened I was there I was able to be there, because I knew so many people who just desperately wish they could have been there. And so one of the things I did was, I would send messages, you know, missives back about what was going on, and people just ate it up because they just wish they could be there and wanted to know.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: but I also know how it feels to experience
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: extreme burnout to the point of, you know, being in such a bad place that I couldn't do anything for anyone. I know how it feels to be in extreme compassion, fatigue.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: I know how it feels to feel powerless and cowboys and hopeless. I know how it feels to be around grief. I know how it feels to be around destruction and
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: devastation at the hands of terrorism.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: I know what that's like. I'm not saying. I know what it's like for everybody who's ever been in every situation like that. But I do know what that's like. And I also know what it's like to be a healer type in that situation, just desperately wishing that you could help others. And so when I say that I sent next friend of mine, and I could just feel for pain, and I knew
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: I not trying to say, I know everything that's going on. But I do like I recognize that that she's in that place. It just. She's just desperate to help her family friends back in Israel and she's already had a family member have to go back, and she doesn't have any family here, so II chosen to stick close to her as a friend. But it also made me think it's really made me think about this question of what's mine to do.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: and I think that's a really important question for us to ask ourselves, because what we in situations we so desperately want to do everything we possibly can.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: And you know some of us will will fall into a field position. Some of us will do scroll. Some of us will, you know, volunteer? Some of us will send money. Some of us will send supplies. Some of us will rage on social media. Some of us will actually try to connect with local organizations and help our local communities that are affected by these things, and some of us are ourselves affected and you know. Maybe we don't know what to do, or we go into
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: rescue mode, whatever that is. The point is is that situations like these, whether it's what's happening in the Middle East or Ukraine or Ethiopia or Syria, or you know, I mean, it's I mean, just the list is endless
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: of where there's strife and pain and suffering all over our world is, it can be really overwhelming and really hard to figure out. What is it that we can do, or is there something we should even do?
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: And so my point is that I I'm II came up with a list of some questions. That I think might be helpful. I don't know what's yours to do? Just as you don't necessarily know what's mine to do. And you know that can even change day to day. II you know, sitting next to to my friend. Really? So it kind of shifted things for me as well, and I realize, oh, wait! There are actually some things that I can do
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: when it comes to her right, so it can change but what I would recommend is number one. Pause.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: pause. My mother says something. You know, when it when something happens, pause.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: And obviously, if you're in the middle of danger, don't pause to safety. But, my mom, you know my mom. Actually, she ended up, she's a therapist. It's like a therapist. And she said that you know she loves this word pause so much, and the action of pausing so much. She actually got a a necklace made, but just says pause, and she would even touch it, and you know, with, when she was working with her clients.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: So parts
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: pause, build in that pause, reflect. stop and reflect. stop, and feel if you need to stop and tune in
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: to how you're feeling, or tune into what feels right for you in this moment or tune in to just tune in.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: because the immediate reaction that often we have is we want to do something, whether good or bad, you know, positive or negative. We want to do something
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: but doing may not be the best choice right off the bat. Maybe the best choices stop and strategize. Maybe you're not feeling an emotional reaction, but you're like I have connections, or I can do certain things or whatever. And then you're like, I'm gonna strategize. But first pause, pause.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: second. I just wait. I actually wrote these in a different order. But I'm gonna say this for the second is, how? Ask yourself, how can I take care of me? How do I need to take care of me. And here's why this is really important.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: because, for the reasons that I described is that when we jump immediately into trying to save other people, we can forget ourselves. And so we need to think first and foremost, what do we need to stay healthy? It's a classic oxygen mask thing
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: where it's like, you know, you know. Put on your oxygen mask before you put on the child to the old persons next to you, or the disabled persons next to you put on your own oxygen mask first, because what's gonna happen is you're gonna at least remember, here's what I need to stay healthy. And then from that place
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: you're gonna be able to respond better to the situation or to whatever comes your way rather than react rather than being reactive. You're gonna be more thoughtful and responsive because you'll be in a better place
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: also, if possibly, or when you end up falling into that space of like I've got to help. I gotta take it. But you haven't actually checked in. And you're gonna get into burnout. You're gonna fall apart. You're gonna get sick. You're gonna end up watching at other people. You're gonna hurt yourself. You're gonna hurt others. And it's not good.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: And so it's always really important to be really tuned in to yourself and what you need. And, for example, if you're an affected person. So, for example, maybe you're Jewish or Muslim, maybe you're Israeli or Palestinian, or whatever that you might be
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: affected emotionally by this, and you might have an impulse to wanna, change or do something. But maybe you're just not ready to. Maybe you just emotionally, invisibly can't. Maybe you do need to curl up in a ball.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: Maybe you do need to just binge on the news or whatever that is. And that's what a lot of people were doing after 9, 11. And I remember at the time that I felt kinda critical of people who did that or all that critical. But I just didn't relate to that, because I was like, well, I'm just gonna go help. I'm not gonna just sit and watch TV. But that's what some people needed to do. And here's what also happened with that.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: It meant that maybe at that time they're pulled up in front of the TV, unable to do anything but 2, 3 months later, when I'm burned out and the rest of us who have jumped in are burned out.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: Then those people who've been curled up in front of the TV were like, Okay, now I'm ready to help. And then they could spell us, and they could help take care of us so, or I'm sorry. Take, you know, continue the effort because we were burned out.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: So that's really important to really tune into what's right for you. What do you need? Alright? And what might you need when, if, when you choose to take certain actions. What are you gonna need to take care of yourself because it does no good to anyone.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: If you are falling apart. we cannot help the people who are in pain. When we if we are ourselves, we can't most effectively help them if we ourselves are in pain. So that's the second thing, so pause.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: ask, how can I take care of me? What do I mean?
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: Third, if you choose to?
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: If you choose to act, or when you choose to act. There are a few key questions that I think they're important to ask yourself.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: One is, what can I control?
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Because there's a lot in every situation, whether it's, you know, the Middle East or in Africa or in China, I mean Asia, anywhere in the world, in the United States.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: in North America.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: you know, South America. Everyone should. I just name everyone here? But there's there are things that we can control, and there are things we just cannot control.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: and a lot of the trauma that we can often feel is that powerlessness, the powerlessness to do something because we just don't have control. But at the same time one of the antidotes to that trauma is to just say, Wait a minute. I can't control that. That's just the reality.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: So it's not for me to shame myself, or just live in horrific frustration that I can't control it. You can't control it. They're just some things you just can't single-handedly control.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: And so ask yourself that because that can then lead to the next couple of questions to know, what can you control? What can you control can be really realistic about that.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: Then the second thing that I would say that comes back to that is what? How can I best be of service to others. So the way I described 9, 11, how you know I was down there, and originally I was there doing supplies, and I'm terrible. With that I was just Terra just terrible. Just don't put me in charge of that. I don't. You know. I got great brain here, but for some reason. I think it's also because
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: I just felt myself being called to other work. And actually, one of the reasons why I was not very good at delivering some of the supplies, because I see someone in pain along the way, and then I'd want to stop and talk to them, and then the supplies would never get there. So you know, to my credit, is because I was actually just feeling called to help in a different way. And then I end up helping someone along the way, even if you know the boots didn't get to the other side of the pit.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: But the point is is, how can I best serve others? What can I uniquely do that can be of service? And for some people it could be, I can, you know, work in a suit pitch kitchen somewhere, I can, you know, or helping you know, people who've been affected by
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: the crisis. I can, you know. Do logistics overseas, you know. Maybe I work with a nonprofit, and they need help. And you know they're bringing supplies, and they're bringing resources in. Maybe your mental health professional, and you can help people locally who are traumatized, which, by the way, something my mother did. She was living in Dallas 9, 11, and you know all the planes were grounded. She couldn't come to New York, but she helped the Red Cross there.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: They had a mental health unit, and so she volunteered her time as a professional therapist to help down there because people were traumatized everywhere feeling that trauma and so how can I uniquely best serve others for some people it might just be, you know, what? I really don't have the skills. But I have the money. Okay, give money. It could be. I don't have the money, but I can help my neighbor, who's having a hard time, you know. I can escort them places. That's one of the things that my Israeli friend said that she felt because of all the anti-semitism.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: yes, even huge amount of anti-semitism here in New York City. And she felt she's scared. And so she, I said, I will support you. You just let me know.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: That that kind of thing. So what? How can I best serve others? And so for me, I've also said, you know I'm not great. I don't run a nonprofit. I don't do this, but I can be of support. You know. I can listen to people, and I can help them process their pain. That is something I do. Naturally, it's something that I'm good at, and that's how I can serve. So ask yourself the. The. This next question is, how can I? Best? Third question is, how can I best serve others.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: How can I like uniquely best, serve others?
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: The fourth one, though in this one just came up the other night, which was really interesting. To me. Because it just just helped me recognize that in. In certain situations I have a certain boundary. And the question that it's a double question. Actually, number 4 is, What will I do, and what won't I do? So what will I do? And what won't I do?
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: And this only came up because one of the activities that this is really what we was doing. I just. And it's it's I don't regret your doing it. But I personally is not something that I would feel comfortable doing as an activity. It's just not something I feel comfortable doing.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: And so I originally had said that I would help her, but when I saw what it was I was like. Nope, you know what II can't help in that way. I can help in these other ways, but I can't help in that way. And so that's another sort of building in that like.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: Well, hold on! Let me pause for a second and consider this is that something I really wanna do, even in the spirit of wanting to help her right? So what will I do? What won't I do? And that also relates to that question of self care, you know, with something be against my
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: My well-being. Would that hurt me too much, you know. Is that something that I really just cannot emotionally do realistically or does it go against my principles, my morals? Or does it? You know, conflict with something else I've got in my life that I need to keep doing. You know, I need to keep space for whatever that is so, that's another question. And then this is a final question. And it's that has to do with
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: that, I actually personally think should be built into that pause.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: But I also understand that sometimes it can't be built into that first pause. But that question is. what's being triggered in me.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: Okay. The reason why I didn't include it in that first question is because that can. That can be a pretty deep question to ask. And it can also lead to. You know it's that it's just it. Can. It can lead down to radicals. I know how to do this easily, but others it just might be too much initially. And so it goes into what's been triggered in me
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: that I need to heal so that I can be responsive, not reactive.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: Okay? So again.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: you know, you could obviously put this in with Number One with that pause.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: But this, I think, is the bigger, deeper, overarching question that we all need to work on within ourselves, because this, I think, is what perpetuates. When we don't do this in our work. It's what ends up perpetuating the trauma, the pain, the behaviors, the patterns, the reactions, or whatever.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: And so that is what has been triggered in me that I need to heal
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: so that I can respond and not react, but also so that I can also not be part of the problem here.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: And this is where I would say that some people's reactions to this whole situation. I think to myself, I understand from their place of trauma why they're reacting that way. And so I don't judge them or shame them for it. But I do also think to myself, if you just do some of that in a work
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: to heal some of this trauma, this past trauma. And it's not even just in the Middle East situation. It's just across the board I see. I see this, and this is how I see the world through this lens, and I see what's underlying
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: certain behaviors and reactivity and and and trauma reactions, but also traumatizing behaviors. You know the victim and the persecutor and the rescuer. You know all of this. I see what's underneath that, and I always. I've always come back to. We've got to heal ourselves. First and foremost, we've got to heal ourselves.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: First and foremost, if we're not gonna continue these cycles of conflict and violence in our world.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: They have to stop. And one of my overarching things and my missions with my work
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: is to heal the world to heal humanity
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: because we're the problem. We are the problem. And I don't mean, like you individually or me individually, I mean, collectively, we're the problem. But I can't control whether or not. You feel just as you can't control whether or not I feel that you know what I can't control me.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: whether I heal you, you can control you, and whether or not you heal
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: and I. And and as we heal, then we become a more healing.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: less reactive presence
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: in others lives in our own lives and in others lives.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: We stop this cycle of conflict and violence because we heal the conflict within ourselves, and therefore we can be peaceful presences in response to the conflicts around us.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: And so that is a very key part of this. And, for example, if you are someone, let's let's just say, you're someone who is pulled up in front of the the TV, and we're traumatized by this. This might be a good opportunity to look at that
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: and to look at healing those wounds and traumas that are pre-existing. I've had people reach out to me who say that you know who suffered a physical sexual violence and assault. They're traumatized, vicariously traumatized by what they see, what they're seeing in the Middle East. They see in other conflicts in the world. So, even though it's not physically happening to them, it re it triggers that trauma and can be re traumatizing.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: But how do we heal back by healing ourselves by doing our inner work for the greater good. but healing humanity. So that's always where I'm gonna come down to. I hope these have been helpful.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: I really hope they've given you some thought. And maybe you really just actually have 2 things. I would hope that they really help you kind of reflect and go. Wait a minute. Do I need to do this? And maybe I should do that
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: but also, if I don't feel like doing anything. That's okay, too. That's really important, too. One of the things that the Israeli woman was telling me is that she had all these people giving her suitcases of supplies for member for family to take back to Israel. But as she pointed she kinda laughed, she goes.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: Israel doesn't need more toothpaste, so it's like we have toothpaste people, the point being that that's where building in that pause can actually help where it's like, wait a minute. Is it gonna serve the people that just send them toothpaste, and maybe it will. You know, we had toothpaste sent to us at at ground 0. We had actually the whole
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: a drug store company. They opened up their warehouse and we got everything we needed. So you know it, it's there's just helping everywhere. But it's also a chance that pauses a chance to just stop and reflect, and say what is mine to do, and also, what is it that I can't even do right now, if it's if it's nothing right now, that's okay.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: There's no shame in being that person, because at some point you may be called to serve in some way, and then you'll have the energy for that.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: Okay.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: as always. I hope this has been helpful. No matter how you feel, no matter what you're struggling with, no matter what your perspective or perception. I wish you peace, and I wish you'd love.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: and I wish you healing so that we can stop.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: stop these endless cycles of violence and pain and fear and trauma
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: hurt people hurt people. So how do we stop the hurt? We gotta stop it within ourselves. We got to keep it from continuing.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: So anyway.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: I hope this has been helpful, as always. I send you my love. I give you huge hugs, and maybe all heal as much as we can
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight.World: from this and from every experience in our lives. All right. No, I love you, and I will talk to you next week.