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  • Writer's pictureEmily Eldredge

🎙JENNIFER | "Jenna" (Narcissistic Abuse)

Here are Jennifer's drawings, the video, and the raw transcript from Episode 9 of the podcast DARK LIGHT TRUTH.


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VIDEO


 

TRANSCRIPT

[Music] I'll take responsibility for my stuff may I also take responsibility for your stuff and he says oh yes please and I'm like [Music]


okay how many times do I have to go through this in my life even though it's the same freaking story over and over why again and


again why did he why didn't he try why didn't he care


the depth of dysfunction like who would expect a kid to do


that oh my God and I've told this story before I've told this story before and never have I allowed myself the depth of oh my God that is not okay oh my God that is so [ __ ] up


imagine you're a 55-year-old businesswoman very successful very beautiful very Dynamic you're well- loved by everyone around you and yet for some reason when it comes to your romantic relationships you keep attracting narcissistic men men who are self-absorbed who don't show up as much as you do in the relationship and even when you ask for equal support you still don't get it this is the situation in which Jennifer has found herself over and over and over again and it's why she volunteered to do this drawing out process session for the podcast she's done so much inner work on herself and you'll hear her later on say I've done all this inner child work and yet it's like she just can't figure out why she keeps attracting the same kinds of men and ending up in the same kinds of relationships so this is the mystery that we're here to solve today in dark light truth listen closely as we dive into Jennifer's darkness and reclaim the light and truth that's been hiding there for decades contributing to this pattern from as we will eventually discover behind her [Music] skirt so I said so after all this time working on myself I still ended up because my trauma bond in relationship with a narcissist because of course I would wait you're


single let me do everything let me let me love you I just I just want to love you I'll take responsibility for myself stff may I Al may I also take responsibility for your stuff and he says oh yes please exactly and I'm like okay can I throw more love at you that you're not accepting or appreciating just to prove out but then I'm like you know we're old enough that if everyone's like working a program and he's working on his stuff and I'm working on my stuff then we could make this thing work right but when you're when I realize oh wait I am helping him remodel his house I'm helping him with his depression I'm helping him with all this stuff and in the meantime I have things happening and so I'm looking at this like some future investment and I'm like I'm so we're so perfect together I'm So Perfect why are I the perfect match for you wait what's the question I'm not asking what's the question oh wait are you the grid m for me


what wait no why am I not like over the moon like I was why am I why am I not feeling like fortified why am I feeling little eggshells I'm like and once you're not exactly I bring a lot of love to a relationship I'd like someone to bring some of that to me we show up for each other equally his way may be a little different but it it's not something I have to work so freaking hard to identify that it I mean I'm happy to learn a love language anguage but I also don't want it I I just want to know it and feel it and have an absolute certainty that that's foundational no matter what crappy days we have or issues come up that there's the foundation of love that I don't have to doubt it perform for it wonder if I'm too much or too little for it I just want that to be a foundational experience that person's love for me I don't want fision I want Fusion like because energy of two people who are manifesting and working themselves at the deepest level when they come together in relationship like could light the universe you know I also don't have time to [ __ ] around if I want to do my best in this life and be my best in this life whether it's with a partner without a partner because I've not experienced I'm this loving person I've not experienced that kind of love what who W who miswired me when I came out I know their names but I'm still on wiring that right so I'm 55 I don't want to [ __ ] around I've been working hard on this I'm really open to working the things that are still lurking I I I want them to not have that power


anymore clearly Jennifer has a very clear idea of what her pattern is she just doesn't know how to fix it and she's so freaking frustrated and tired and done with it so I asked her to talk about how it feels being in that kind of relationship with that kind of man and here's the image that she comes up with and draws it's like I keep throwing love into a black hole okay and I don't get back so I just throw more in it's a really great example okay oh there's an image for me right there yes yes yes lady you got it I was just gonna


say yes yes tell me about the image or start drawing it whatever you feel like it's a black hole I mean it is it just keeps circling the drain and here I am like oh here I am throwing I'm throwing hearts in into it I'm just throwing more and more Hearts I'm just throwing them in and throwing them in and throwing them in and they just keep disappearing and disappearing and disappearing and then they go down into there and they get exed out and they go down into there into there into that black hole and into that black hole and they just get exed out so there's like these hearts that are beautiful and pink and healthy and fat and sassy and I'm just throwing them in and throwing them in and they just swirl down this black hole and then I can kind of see through the black hole a little bit to see that once it goes through there I can I can see these Hearts just they're just disintegrating and so to me they have ex's across them like you know like you know cartoon dead eyes right so they all this love goes in there and it just gets xed out disintegrated squeezed out disappeared you know so the energy of that just literally is eclipsed literally disappears literally dissipates and so what do I do I just throw some more happy happy big healthy hearts in there and actually I just added something I wrote the word more three times with question mark like more more more like do you need more how about this how about this what about that that is this enough is this enough like feeding a gaping M with Precious Precious stuff I see the big happy healthy juicy Hearts just bursting with all kinds of goodness and juicy goodness that is from me and Channel Through the Universe CU I have this superpower to not be tired and giving energy it soaks in from everywhere and then it can go through me I mean yeah do I get tired sometimes but yeah but not from being a loving person and exuding that and sharing that with people but then I feel shame like so much shame that I am taking all of this and on some level can see it and I just keep throwing it in oh I just keep doing it and then when this last relationship broke and he showed me so clearly it was so embarrassing I mean of course I believed because there was amazingness but there were little teeny teeny pieces where I wasn't receiving back and I really believed that that it was because of some circumstances in that person's life but that's not true and I ignored so people say oh you have to watch for the red flags well they're not red flags they're little pink pretty little pink things that just sort of flutter in the wind like all the other pretty little things that are floating in the wind the ones that are love and fun and happy there's a little pink one and over time it gets redder and redder and you don't notice because it's not red at first mhm mhm I love this metaphor that Jennifer uses of pink flags you know playing on this idea of red flags and seeing the red flags in a relationship in order to recognize that whoa this is not healthy for you but to her she doesn't see them as red she only sees them as pink until essentially it's too late it's kind of like that boiling frog syndrome right the frog doesn't know it's boiling to death until until it's too late and so that's what she keeps ending up with in these relationships because she just doesn't recognize those red flags as red flags because of the inner work Jennifer has done over the years she's actually identified the source of this pattern it comes from someone very particular in her life so let's listen as she describes exactly where this pattern of relationships and behaviors came from this is abs absolutely father stuff absolutely 100% and actually my mom a bit Yeah I grew up in an environment where I was very much loved but on on on my father's side in particular is quite punitive and quite absent and so and that's the narcissist parent the trauma Bond of a child with the narcissistic parent just the thing that still got me is this sort of carrot and stick kind of love where a person withholds love and and I am somewhat performative and even anticipate somebody else's needs which is you know child of a narcissist um and not expecting it back or working feeling like I have to work for it literally to perform for it like the love is there if I do such and such just right because I don't feel I'm lovable I feel there's much of me that has to perform it in order to earn it so I'm performing like doing tricks for love y and then I don't recognize when love is performative just to keep me hooked because that's the narcissist job is continue to keep you in that space of just slightly unsettled just unsettled off the footing unsettled yep and it's like begging yes so then I can build resent resentment and hurt and then that's when I become my not best person passive aggressive and


controlling and then aggressively giving Which is a weird thing my mom does that aggressive aggressive giving because I'm in the passive aggressive resentment I'm like okay well how about this so I'm throwing the hearts in and now I'm resentful about the hearts I'm throwing in so I just throw in more like is this enough like what do I have to do to get a reaction from you what do I have to do okay fine here's more here's more here's more here's more yeah and behind that is fear and pain and


hurt and that's then the hopelessness like what have I done again kind of thing and then I don't do as much stuff Stu because now I'm like wait this is so imbalanced and then with a narcissist rather than being like Oh what needs to happen here they're like oh you're not doing for me anymore rather than oh yeah right right this is pretty imbalanced let me do oh shoot I need to fill your tank a little bit sorry sweetheart it's like wait why aren't you the way you


were and so then I feel bad expecting love in return exactly so like yeah and then I'm Raw and I look weak and that doesn't suit me because I'm very strong and independent there big burst of power where I finally reach the point where oh done Rock Bottom done absolutely nothing's to changed there's nothing I can do and has to get to that point often before I step away and then they're still always surprised that's the narcissistic and Trauma Bond uh pattern wow Jennifer basically just gave us a master class in in the cycles of emotions and behaviors that victims of narcissistic abuse can go through in relation to the narcissist and that it all starts with this as she describes it carrot and stick interaction that hooks her in so again we're hearing that Jennifer is very clear about her own pattern but we still need to figure out what's the part of her that's contributing to that or what's the part of her that's ready to heal that can actually help her break out of that as it turns out it's a part of Jennifer that she's worked with many times before and yet much to her frustration it still isn't healed but listen as she discovers brand new things about this part of her that she thought she knew so well the part of you that keeps doing that the part of you that feels so anxious I'm just wondering if that's the part we need to work with is that's so anxious and feels like it has to perform and it's not lovable it has to prove but it still never gets what it needs well it's the whole little inner child deal I mean it's kind of pretty straightforward but it trickles up and through and weaves through all of the others It Feels So TR ah again this is embarrassing too because I've done so much work on this but like this strong woman that I am right I have this little inner child that's still sort of begging for scraps from the table of of Parental love or specifically uh you know paternal love yeah how many times do I have to go through this in my life even though it's the same freaking story over and over why again again yes and I run into this a lot to be honest so if it makes you feel any better this happens a lot where like someone will come and they'll say but I've already dealt with this I've already dealt with this you know but my inner child again oh my God I'm so [ __ ] sick of this inner child yeah okay maybe dialogued with that inner child or maybe journaled or maybe therapy and we talked about it and stuff but that inner child is still carrying those wounds in other words the work that's been done has been great in terms of uncovering that child Etc but it's still carrying the wounds it hasn't been healed she feels like she did something wrong like she's being scolded like she's going to get scolded like she did something wrong and she's going to get scolded very interesting I did not expect that great this is this see this is music to my ears I'm like exactly good we're on the right path you're like why is she holding back like why is she holding back it's because she thinks she did something wrong okay write that down and she's a little bit a little bit behind me and she's kind of got her head down a little bit she she knows you know she should be stepping forward she can hear you and she can answer you but there's a piece of is just sort of waiting a little bit hiding in my skirts kind of thing little finger in the mouth kind of looking kind of fidgeting and right right next to me not behind me or anything next to me she's fine she's just getting more confident by the moment she's sort of looking side she's side eyeing her way toward us here yeah that's what that's like why are you calling me did I do something wrong no we're not mad I'm not mad at her are you mad at her but that that's that's my automatic response to a lot of things did I do it did I do something wrong did I do something wrong what did I do wrong I do that in relationship and I you know she's doing that for the same reason yes what's her


name you can ask her I think she's just me I mean she's Jenna she's just me okay my family name okay Jen all right yeah the main thing is my family okay my family name is Jenna my father didn't call me Jenna um but that was my family name for me is Jenna and she feels like Jenna Jenna on one side of the family on the more safe side of the family I was


Jenna so now that we've identified that it's a little girl named Jenna inside of her with whom we need to speak I ask Jennifer it's to PO to speak to her and she says yes so Jennifer is awake and aware through my whole conversation with Jenna at first Jenna sounds very halting because of course as Jennifer said she's afraid she's going to get in trouble but you know as we hear more about the way her father treated her will understand why she feels this way this particular conversation kind of about my father and how he acts and stuff that I don't know how to talk about this exactly so I want a little more security so what is it that scares you about this conversation you're afraid you're going to say something or get in trouble or what like I have to even though I'm little I have to do things to earn my place like I'm little and I didn't ask to be born and I didn't ask for you guys to get divorced and I'm sorry I cost you money child support and I know you tell me about it all the time about how you pay it as if it's my fault and that I have to make up for it I have to make up for it by being perfect um knowing what mood you're going to be in when you scare me and don't take care of me that it's my fault that I love you so much I adore you you're my father and I love you so much but I don't realize that the way you act toward me is not nice that I don't know what it feels like to be loved by my father in a way that other girls do I feel like I have to earn I have to act I have to do different I have to all the things that you're insecure my that my father's insecure about are my fault it's my fault I did something it's like I did something wrong so I try to take care of myself and I try to just be more perfect but but sometimes it's scary and I don't know what to do and you don't help but I'm just your kid and I didn't ask for you to have me it's not my fault growing UPS have to pay money for Stuff never really knowing that just being alive would be enough reason for your parents to love you I mean my mom loved me tons but with him it was different I think he loves me I guess I don't know what Love's supposed to look like cuz he loves me but it didn't feel feel good and so I think that's why grownup Jennifer isn't sure what it's supposed to feel like to be looked out for protected and cared for by a man because she didn't see what it looked like and wrapped up in how much you hate my mom oh because you used me to hurt her a yeah 100% that happened all the time yeah but why I focus on wanting love from him in a certain way I don't know why that sticks if I do the right thing I would be if I do the right thing I would


be and what were some of the right things quote unquote I don't know I wasn't told I just had to keep trying a whole lot of different things ah so you I don't know I see so there wasn't even like a clear formula for trying to make him happy or trying to get him to love you or get positive response from him it was unpredictable and when I was a little older in summers I would clean the house I would do all of these things and hoping that that was good like I felt like I needed to [Music] justify me my room and board because he was paying child support and that child support went to my mom when I was with him in the Summers and so I felt like I had to justify the cost of me oh so I would clean all the way up to my teenage years clean and do all kind of


things but I wouldn't get an allowance or anything or any sending money because you sent money to my mom and I couldn't I didn't know what it was that I was supposed to do I didn't know what it would take it was like I didn't even do it at all sometimes it wasn't enough but it wasn't it was almost like it didn't even do it at all like it was just expected and it was done but wasn't it just there was no there's no feedback just absence like it was moving all the time there's like a moving line like just had to be constant trying to figure it out it was a moving Target I guess yeah it was so fundamental that there wasn't anything I could do there wasn't anything I could do that would be enough and yet he got praise for me all the time while he was putting me down he was getting praise for me left and right so yeah using me for what I brought and then and I loved him so much and he did things to show me he loved me and emotionally would knock me down would go do these things which was all wonderful and help make me The Adventurous person that I am and the whole time undermining my sense of worth and


self-esteem it's so ridiculous Jesus Christ well but see look at all the things that I do for you look at all the things I do for you look I take you to this camp and I do this and I do that yep why would you be mad at me don't you see what I do for you yep you should be


grateful what Jenna describes here is having a father who was so incredibly inconsistent unpredictable denigrating gaslighting shaming ignoring I mean just add all kinds of adjectives to the way her father treated her no wonder Jenna feels so insecure and so unsure of what to expect and also notice how at the same time he was putting her down he was taking the the praise from others about what a wonderful little girl she was this is classic classic narcissistic parent stuff at one point Jenna shares that she would have to go on dates with her father but she was always treated like she was in the way which leads her to share a very specific very painful memory from one of those


dates he had a date and I was little three I had to go to this place where he had a date and I had to go to the bathroom and because I'm a big girl I know how to go and ask for where the restroom is right and I was adorable so everyone be like oh sweetheart you're so cute here anyway so I went to the bathroom and there was blue stuff in the toilet and I tinkled and it splashed on me and it was toilet cleaner and it burned and it hurt so bad and I came out of the bathroom and I had tears and I didn't want to cry out loud because I didn't want to be a problem because he had a person there he was talking to and I'm sitting there and I've got tears in my eyes and he's ignoring me and um and I was embarrassed because how do you say that and then the waitress came running over to the table and said oh my God I didn't get there in time oh my God I had stuff she oh my gosh this is she just she told him what happened and here now it's a problem cuz he's on this date and I'm in pain I'm in so much pain and I'm trying not to cry I'm trying to be good I'm trying to be a good girl I'm trying to be a good girl and it hurts so bad it hurts so bad I'm in so much pain it burns so bad and this waitress I remember she was not happy with him all I knew was that I was messing up Daddy's time with this


lady and and that I was hurting so bad but that wasn't enough yeah I mean sure he had no idea had no concept I'm pretty sure but I wasn't a kid who fussed I was not a child who fussed so then he was mad and then we had to go home and I'm hurting and I'm crying and he puts me in the bathroom to take a bath but he can't help me because it's too uncomfortable for him to be around a little girl cuz he didn't do anything with that and so he just let me in there and that's not how you get that's not how you get lie off of your tiny little Parts you need help so I was in the bathtub I had to do take care of myself and it just hurt hurt for a long time I burn it burned me oh sweetie yeah so I learned that my pain and my like for real that that is a huge incident my actual pain and suffering my for real like could have been a broken arm right my for real pain and suffering was not something he could connect with and it was a problem that other people saw that had compassion but people I mean what could that lady do make him take me home and I think the waitress finally kept impressing upon him because I'm sitting there trying not to cry and I have tears and it hurts and I'm sitting there trying to be good while he's talking to this lady and he's just mad at me he's mad at me and then I have to do it myself I have to take care of myself I have to do it myself ohwe and of course I can't call my mom he won't let me call Mommy


oh and so he just puts me in there mad and shuts the door jeez yeah Jesus yeah let mean talk about not being able to rely on somebody and then learning to just take care of yourself later yeah how am I supposed to take care of my how am I supposed to know what to do oh so at the little age of three poor Jenna learned that her pain didn't matter and that if she was in pain she had to take care of it herself because her own father wouldn't help take care of her wow talk about the Deep beliefs that form inside of a child when they have that kind of experience so no wonder I mean are you starting to see the connection here then why adult Jenna would have this deep core belief that she doesn't really matter in relationships because that's exactly what she learned very early on from the primary male relation relationship in her life as we're about to hear being able to share this story has helped Jenna see that the way her father behaved was not okay but it also is bringing up all these questions inside of her you'll hear her really grappling with why and how his behavior degraded her own sense of lovability and


selfworth how are you feeling I'm just curious now that you shared these things how are you


feeling I feel like I'm not fidgety in the skirts I feel like it's more clear that what he did wasn't


appropriate was an appropriate level of behavior toward a little girl yeah it wasn't appropriate to lay that anger and resentment against other people on to me it wasn't fair to not try to figure it out to care about me enough to try to figure something out he didn't care enough to try to figure out what was happening when I was hurting like that and it was just angry at me it's his insecurity but why didn't he why didn't he try why did he act mad at me why why did I feel like I was being punished why why did he why didn't he try why didn't he care


yeah yeah just not lovable and sometimes I feel like if he's my father and he knows me but he doesn't love me then there must he must know something more than I do cuz he's the grownup


there must be a reason why he doesn't love me must be must be a reason there got to be a reason y well be there must be something that I'm doing something I am he must know the reason there must be some makes it real they made it real well because it doesn't make sense it really doesn't Jenna it's understandable that you would be trying to figure it out well well well there must be a reason so you know maybe he knows the reason because why else would someone behave this way you know towards a little girl who's so cute and so loving and so lovable and so wonderful and just trying so hard to be a great kid and and a loving person so it's understandable that you'd struggle with this yes it's crazy it is it is crazy crazy it is crazy and it's painful because it sounds like you've been really blaming and shaming yourself for a long time and wondering what you did WR yes absolutely yeah I know it's really hard it's not your fault sweetie it's not your


fault so now that we've uncovered this deep core memory that led to a deep core wound inside of Jennifer it's time to find out from Jenna how she can take this newfound wisdom and use it to help Jennifer in her relationships going forward she's got some pretty great ideas [Music] and little Jenna me wants to to remember those things that felt uncomfortable and unhappy and remind big Jen that those are not normal that when I feel when she feels frustrated or hurt or uncertain when someone's supposed to love


her that it's not normal to feel hurt frustrated angry and uncertain and bad about herself yes to separate that feeling from normal the concept of normal and to feel it in her body when her mind and her brain won't register remember what I felt like that had to make normal but it's not it never should be normal yes yes you can be a big part of this for big Jen you could be the one to be like hey wait a minute pay attention tug on that skirt tug on that skirt hey yeah hey from my perspective way down here I'm noticing something that you're no seriously I mean that's the cool thing about you little Jen or Jenna is it yeah it's like you like observing I'm observing cuz I soaked it all in I soaked it all in so soak it all in still say hey tug tug um hello yeah I think yeah there is a bit of empowerment where things happen and I can just in just nope yeah nope you know run into another guy FL flag yeah and you can just you know that could be something that you're like uh Jen hey big Jen yeah you know listen to your gut listen to your gut big Jen because that's where you know that's in your your body knows where these feelings are nope nope let that be my Mantra nope yeah nope you know and you don't have to justify you don't have to rationalize you don't have to get angry that that person is the way they are they're just the way they are and you're choosing differently nope yeah let someone else do a little bit of the work and see how they show up


yeah I love what Jenna says about separating those feelings of discomfort from this concept of normal that it's not normal to feel those ways in relationship and when you can make that distinction that's when those pink flags can start to be recognized as red flags this is not okay to feel this way in a relationship or if I'm feeling this way this means that something is off balance something is wrong I'm not being treated well enough whatever it happens to be and the thing is that's often why we end up in these relationship patterns because of the confused ideas we were given about what love is or what's okay or not okay in a relationship that because we had to adapt as children to certain conditions that we just couldn't control we unconsciously end up thinking those things are normal or we experience them as familiar but just because they're familiar does not mean they're okay does not mean they're healthy for us so now that Jenna understands and fully honors the fact that the way she was treated was not okay she'll be better able to help Jennifer recognize it when Jennifer experiences it in relationships and Jenna will be able to help big Jennifer with setting boundaries and making different more empowering and loving choices for herself so now that we've heard what we needed to hear from Jenna it's time to go back to talking to Jennifer let's hear what she thought of the conversation with Jenna and what kind of Revelations she had but there are a couple points that were really quite different for me and like just the depth of


dysfunction around that experience when we were at the restaurant and he was on the date and that happened and just the depth of dysfunction yeah and the impact of being in actual pain yes and a child at an age I'm assum in four in like who would


expect who would who would expect like a kid to do that right no it's unconscionable it's insane yeah I mean and it also was all about his sexuality and stuff like being freaked out by a four-year-old girl I mean seriously and not being willing to call my mother or find anything figure anything out I mean the depth of dysfunction around a young man with no emotional intelligence incredibly sensitive person and to be embarrassed and not know what to do and to make it a punishing experience for the child for a little girl especially because it was on my private parts because it SP I'm on a potty and it splashed me that is a whole other layer of about my own femininity even though I was four but that's a whole like why do I get locked in a bathroom because of that if it was on my arm I wouldn't have been locked in a bathroom so there's layers and just that one incident for example just realizing the depth of that oh my God and I've told this story before I've told this story before and never have I allowed myself the depth of oh my God that is not okay oh my God that is so [ __ ] up yeah yeah remember at the beginning of our session that Jennifer said she'd already done a ton of inner child work and she was kind of frustrated like oh my God you know will this ever end I I don't want to have to deal with this child again and yet look at what we were able to discover through the drawing out process through actually having her draw out that little girl and me have a conversation with it and ask it certain questions so that this little girl could finally fully give her side of the story share her feelings and her truth have incredible realizations about the horrors that she went through but also be able to provide Jennifer with Incredible wisdom that's going to help help her going forward so even though Jennifer says you know I've already done in her child work and I've already told this story so many times there was still more within that child that needed to be heard and validated and valued so now that we were able to do this for little Jenna has she finally finally healed let's find out so let's take a moment then to look at where is she right now what is she doing where do you see her um oh right now she's sitting on a wall in a park just um eating some ice cream and Swinging her


legs okay what kind of ice cream do I want I love it we're GNA do strawberry cuz it's the color of the delicious little hearts that I had before Oh I love it okay got the green eyes going okay oh that's a terrible color and I look a little bit like a lizard but actually the way I drew her she looks a little bit like a bodybuilder but I


think she's man she's man spreading a bit I don't know what the deal is but that's okay now I got to just draw the wall that she's sitting on very cute little brick wall oh I think she's going to be holding a flower in the other hand here got an ice cream cone maybe tiny little drip here and give her a little teeny tiny drip because then that means she's going to have to eat it really fast because that's why you know when it starts melting you have to lick it really fast I like my ice cream frozen super super hard I don't like it when it's drippy so you got to lick all the drippy stuff off and then it has still you can bite into it yeah yeah share your ice cream no no you will not nope that's nope you will not share my ice cream nope she's funny she's got some attitude I love it yeah and she's got some hearts around her head here a her ice cream and her flower and she's just hanging out looking at stuff she doesn't really need a grown up right now she's just doing just fine here okay she's drawn good and she seems happy yeah she's really happy at the moment mhm good you know what I'm gonna write I'm writing on it ice cream yes [ __ ] nope


yes I cream yes yes hell yes [ __ ] nope nope [ __ ]


nope yes I love it yes nope [ __ ] nope nope nope got it all right yep good good she's complete okay what do you think does Jenna sound healed to you or what remember the beginning she started off behind Jennifer's skirts afraid to speak afraid she would get in trouble does this girl sound like she's afraid she's going to get in trouble and by the way I think that would be a great Mantra in life ice cream yes [ __ ] nope nope nope [ __ ] nope feel free to take that one with you so even if it seems fully healed I always like to take that part through the rest of the drawing out process so I invite Jennifer to thank Jenna for showing up today and here's what Jenna


said how did she react to that she licked her ice cream rolled her eyes and kicked her little heels on against the brick wall like duh duh that's she's like uh duh hello I oh my God I love her so much I love you Jenna you wrong it's saying I'm writing on here I am Jenna yay heart exclamation points I am


Jenna clearly Jenna's old insecurities are gone her feeling of unlovability her insecurity her lack of confidence gone this is who Jenna always was before she was distorted by the fear and pain and craziness of growing up with a father like Jennifer's this is Jenna and it's so exciting to see her shine but we still aren't done yet I invite Jennifer to explain to Jenna that it's okay she doesn't have to feel that way anymore and what's really cool is that Jennifer then launches into basically telling Jenna okay next time I want you to get my attention when you're not comfortable or you're sensing that something's wrong with this situation you need to let me know and I included this part of what Jennifer said just because some of it's kind of funny about what she tells Jenna that she can do I recognize you've been trying to tell me these things and I haven't been able to hear you um partly because I know you were confused and you didn't you were still wondering what you'd done wrong and what you still had to do and that as I grew up I never released you from that and we were just doing that together still and so I want you to know you don't have to feel like that but if you ever start feeling like that I want you to really really really tell me I want you to kick me in The Shins I want you to punch me in the stomach I want you to do anything I just conk me on the head I just want you if you feeling like that don't sit around wondering and trying not to cry just tell me because you might feel it before I do is I want to know when you're not happy and when you're not comfortable or when you're scared I don't want you to ever have to feel like that if you start feeling like that I want you to tell me right away whatever way you need to get my attention I want to know how did she react to that I respond to that to hearing [ __ ] she's cocking her head at me like really


like are you sure about that are you really want me to kick you in the Shins I mean really is that you saying I think I think it would be nice if you would start in some identifiable like like safe word let's think of like a safe word Jenna yeah I mean the pink flag you know if it's if it's a pink flag and you're seeing it's going to be a red one just wave it in front of me a little bit more clearly just let me know in whatever way you need to for me to hear you that's the that's it whatever way you need to do it in order for me to hear you is what I want you to do she's like well yeah fine that works okay yeah that that yeah duh that works that's where she's at like okay that works fine good I want her to be empowered I want her to be empowered to use any means necessary she wasn't empowered then she wasn't empowered to stand up for herself she wasn't empowered to leave a room she wasn't empowered to say you need to help me she wasn't empowered to call Mom anyway she wasn't empowered to do any of those things she she wasn't empowered to do those things she just I mean even physical pain she wouldn't stand up for herself and I want to empower her to be bold if that's what it takes for me to hear her and she's kind of interested in saying like huh I wonder how that's going to work I wonder what it'll like like what are ways she's already thinking like so okay so what are some ways that I could let her know hm she's like contemplating she's already thinking like huh what are we going to be some ways like what are the circumstances that might require different ways so she's creating an Arsenal is what she's doing good and how do you feel about this I'm like wow it actually feels pretty good because Jen Jennifer is feeling kind of exhausted and not feeling as confident as as she is now so I'm glad that she's kind of on on the job a little bit so that um she can help me along until it becomes easier and easier for me to be the nope nope yes hell no [ __ ] nope yes and then we'll just be a team she and I we'll be all integrated and it'll be peachy yeah so you all are working together now as a team yeah I wrote on it building my arsenal of Love A I love it I just have to say I thought it was totally hilarious when Jennifer was like I want you to kick me in The Shins you know but I love what she also said she goes but the point is I want her to feel empowered to to let me know any way possible if something doesn't feel right to her because as Jennifer explained for decades she didn't feel like she had the right to do that so there's this beautiful permission giving between Jennifer and Jenna and then also I love how even Jennifer acknowledges she's like I'm really tired and unsure but she sees in Jenna this Moxy this power this security this confidence that it's like oh good Jenna can help me start to recognize these things and help me start to make better choices so it's a fantastic as she said they're like a fantastic team now working together to help Jennifer have the healthiest most empowering and loving relationship she possibly can in the final moments of our session Jennifer has a wonderful realization about her own unbreakable p power to love and also the compassion she has for her


father do you know what's interesting I had an awareness I realized that no matter how difficult or how punishing how difficult people made it for me to love and how punishing they made it for me to love they could never stop me from loving and they could have that could have worked and it didn't work I mean I'm bitter but I'm not like


I mean sure better but you know it's okay I mean like as one


is that one too but but they weren't able to stop me from loving yeah you know I mean yeah they didn't break my capacity to love I mean in fact maybe the fact that I had to work so hard maybe is what made me build that muscle and that becomes a superpower because I just had to find sources like you have to soak it in from all the other places and I guess I just started soaking in like osmosis from all the other beautiful ways that love and beauty is around me and so maybe that's why it happened because I had to exercise that muscle yeah and like with my father's and the thing that I've learned from him having not spoken to him my my birth on my 50th birthday uh I stopped speaking with him but I can love my father because I've done the compassion work around him and I have a great deal of compassion for him and how he got there I met I I've met his parents oh God I mean my grand I mean they're my grandparents right but I have compassion for how he is the way he is and he's a pain it's just so painful when I put myself in his shoes but I have compassion about that I just don't need it in my Orbit yes I don't I don't have to engage with him and he they send me cards they try to engage still like police narcissist get the point this is killing you cuz I'm you're a narcissist and I'm not engaging and that's just like the most painful yeah but I'm not doing it and so but but I have compassion and he doesn't get to be in a position to be a father or any person that I take time to sit at a dinner table with anymore yes one thing that I wasn't paying attention to in this last relationship was when words and actions don't add up yeaha interesting yep absolutely all right so I I feel like I that those are really helpful and um she's quite happy Jenna is happy I mean I've done inner child work and stuff but just uh establishing this a slightly different as her as an ally yes exactly she is healed now and she's here to serve you um I'm going to have to go get my own ice cream cuz I know how she is about sharing and then I think sit on the wall with her and put my arm around her we're going to eat ice cream and kick our heels on the brick together and watch the world go by I love it I love it be awesome wonderful about a week after our session I caught up with Jennifer to find out how she'd been feeling and if she'd noticed any changes she said you know I've been working on that relationship pattern for years but that last narcissistic relationship and connecting with Jenna really helped me process and see things really fresh she said that's been quite powerful she said as a child I had a very sure way of observing the things around me but I just couldn't say it out loud she said now if I start getting that niggling feeling in my belly I can say oh that's that feeling she said the spell is broken on that last relationship now I'm like you know if I meet an interesting person today I'm open to that I'm not going to sit here and lick my wounds I'm not going to be like oh I did it again I'm not healed I'm not going to let that stopped me from experiencing something that is real she said I am integrating my past experience and current experience and preparing myself for the future and that is my hope for all of us that we not let the wounds of our past break our ability to love we can heal those wounds and those defenses so that we can reclaim that love that light that passion creativity Joy power and truth that is in all of us and to use that light and Truth to guide us into a brighter future than any of us ever [Music] imagined you can see the drawings from this session at darklight truth.com if you enjoy darklight truth please give us a review and share about us on social media we would love this support and it helps us have a bigger impact if you want to learn how to draw out your own inner struggles take our free 45-minute course at community. Chang light. world if you're interested in private sessions of the drawing out process with me go to changel light. world SL coaching if you'd like to receive training in the drawing out process please contact me directly at Emily changel light. World the drawing out process is not therapy and I am not a licensed therapist I developed this work myself and I am its exclusive owner and guide whether you are a Seeker or practitioner please respect that this is my proprietary work and it must be properly LED in order for it to be fully effective do not try to do this process on your own


[Music]


thanks so anyway there's another different situation out there for me oh yes so if you know anybody anybody on this podcast say hey this chick's kind of cool so oh yeah girl with daddy issues she's my kind of girl wait no I didn't expect this to be a matchmaking episode but here we are


jokes

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