🎙JOSH | "Harry the Manhole Cover" (Compulsive Eating)

Here are Joshua's drawings, video, and the raw transcript from Episode 3 of the podcast DARK LIGHT TRUTH.

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VIDEO

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TRANSCRIPT

I remember my mom not ever being around. This is a period when she was drinking again, and so I was having to fend for myself even as a fourth grader.

I think in terms of my Defender, my arrogance always came from being good in school and also being able to manipulate adults into getting what I needed.

I've always struggled. I've always had to be flying or something or against something.

In middle school, I remember waking up in the middle of the night, and the Little Debbie's cakes - I was eating two or three of those a night and hiding the wrappers under my bed.

As we're replaying rewinding and playing that clip again in my head, those feelings you know situations, the feelings, were just helplessness and listlessness

If I were to let all the stuff through, then people would pretty quickly see that it's all a farce. So I think I can't let that happen because, when you're revealed to be the fake that you are, then you won't be able to shine it anymore.

You know I don't want to be mean enough to be the bad guy here...

[Music]

EMILY INTRO

I'm Emily Eldredge ,and this is Dark Light Truth, where we dive into people's Darkness reclaim their light and reveal their truth. What you're about to hear is a real person going through an actual session of the Drawing Out Process, my 7-step emotional healing technique in which we draw out, talk with, and fully heal an inner part - or parts - at the core of a person's struggle.

In every session, there's a new inner mystery for us to solve, compelling us to investigate who is the inner culprit causing the struggle why is it there and how is it trying to protect the person or itself once we hear its stories and its truths we'll heal it so that rather than hurting the person it can now help them live their highest most radiant truth.

Every Drawing Out Process session is filled with surprises, epiphanies, twists and turns. We never know what we will encounter - nor who. It all depends on the world that formed within that person in reaction to their life experiences, as well as what their inner wisdom deems is ready to heal once and for all.

Listen closely. Because you never know. Hearing someone else heal their Darkness just might help you heal yours, too.

Join me now for my session with a kind American man named Josh. What you will hear is an edited version of his full two and a half hour session, which he volunteered to record for this podcast.

Just so you know, he mentions things like "Sovereign", "Free Spirit", "Truth" and "Guiding Light", by which he means "Guiding Star". These are terms from my ChangeLight System, which you can learn about by joining our free ChangeLight Community and taking the free ChangeLight System course.

But right now, let's listen as he describes the struggles that brought him here today, which we'll soon discover are being caused by a most unlikely character

[Music]

The thing I want to talk about specifically, the challenges, is my issues with food. Essentially, I go to food as a solace, like when I'm scared, when there's fear, also excitement, I immediately want to be like, "Oh, I need to go have some granola," and so that's how that manifests. Of course there's then incredible weight gain and and loss cycles.

I've cycled my entire life up and down and up and down, and then what happens - for example, I'm at a bigger phase right now, and so what that then does with my self-confidence, it invokes additional fears because of shame, not being able to be in situations or or take the space that I normally would take and use. I think I can be very adept at using my Free Spirit and um my Sovereign mainly to be able to elicit the change and kind of realize my Truth.

But this issue with food, I think it is my own self-diagnosis, is really holding me back.

EMILY: And what does the food do? I'm just curious. Like, what does the food do for you in that moment - whether it's fear or excitement?

Yeah, it's essentially, in order to be fulfilled as a human, I need to be filled as a human. Okay um, and so having, you know, either whether it's a bingeing issue where it definitely consuming much more than I need to, or not even being hungry. But it also puts me in a different state where I can think really clearly when I'm eating. And it's a problem solving methodology akin to being under the shower right um. And that's kind of the go-to yes I mean and trust me that's right I will go why don't you go take a walk I go try to take a run or go do this or go take a shower and it's I feel for me it's just when I can get the most Clarity I guess coming back to that homeostasis from being either excited on one end or the other um is it certain kinds of food yeah I'm so yes and no um usually um starchy with sugar

um yeah cakes and cookies

is is mainly not so much on the candy side I mean if there's nothing else in the house you know I will go and get it or I will have it delivered so there's no yeah then as soon as you put that let's say First Bite in your mouth or it might take more than one what's the feeling in your body like what happens yeah relax relax excellent yeah yeah just being able to feel okay yeah like a like that like uh yeah so either with the frown on my face or a smile on my face depending on the situation but it's that's where okay this is yeah yeah so it's calming not for you and when was the first time you remember that happening if if you remember a first time or a period of your life yeah go ahead I can remember first

being in probably fourth grade and I remember my mom not ever being around this is a period when she was drinking again um and so I was having to fend for myself even as a fourth grader um and so for example for dinner if you would just say here here's here's some food stamps because we were on welfare so why don't you run to the community store and get something to eat and so then that would happen is I would go to the or she would say could you go get me some cigarettes because you could still buy your parent cigarettes back then but we didn't have real money so with food stamps if you bought something that was a dollar in one cent you got 99 real cents back and so if you went to a couple of different convenience stores you could get the three dollars you needed to buy a pack of cigarettes

um so what do you buy you buy junk and crap um and so I can remember going yeah almost every day when I got home from school and buying lots of not great things um slushies and hoes and ending dongs and um snowballs and all kinds of things lots of candy bars and that's what I consumed when I wasn't in school um not entirely but I honestly don't remember other like normal meals that we had so so that was your diet as a child yeah and how did that feel in those moments when you could sort of work that system if you will like oh if I use this for this then I could get this back and then I can but you know like how did that how did that feel when you were doing that so it's interesting user would work the system I think that's when I first started to learn to work the system have have been doing so joyfully and and whatever system my family's health of um throughout my life well I just think it's a very clever and that wasn't meant judgmentally at all it's funny because I even hesitated to use it because I was like I don't want this to sound judgmental but it's like you were really clever as a kid it was a survival thing yeah yeah networking with the system was like [ __ ] you I I'll figure it out you can't stop me

um so it felt yes I mean I was um I think in terms of my my Defender my arrogance always came from being good in school and also being able to

um kind of manipulate adults into getting what I needed because I was also a coping mechanism

um so it felt triumphant because I was able to to do that and also it was it supplemented um the care that my mother couldn't provide me that was the other go-to yeah

I'm also thinking to other periods when I would wake up in the middle of the night so this is when I was in Middle School I lived with my brother um because my mom's alcohol issues had gotten out of hand where I couldn't live with her anymore and so I was living with my brother was 18 years older than me um and so he had was married and had three kids and so I've been in middle school I remember waking up in the middle of the night and you know for our lunches there was the the oatmeal the Little Debbie's cakes that's where we were eating two or three of those a night and hiding the rappers under my bedside wake up in the middle of the night just to eat

were there things happening in your life at that time I think it might have triggered that craving just curious yeah I mean I think there was a situation I was you know living with

my brother his his family at that point my mom had come to live with us as well this is when we moved to Texas to you know and I was trying to

fit in or find my my own I was luckily always good in school and so I had that and I was in the clubs and I was a member of my my brother's church and so that was you know the affirmations that I needed were coming from that too but I was still always felt as The Outsider because it was you know me living with my I'm sure everyone knew my mom's story and what this running situation or that

um and so just not feeling always feeling as an outsider I think there's also a point when I was subconsciously maybe coming to my terms with my sexuality um you know I never I I'm very very lucky though I never had any issues personally it was coming out but the the people around me like like you know this was a 10 minute when the preacher would talk about those who have HIV uh AIDS should be left to die would be better for all of us um yeah and so I guess there's you know some of that woven in there too just acceptance getting affirmations and the attention the the fight I thought I didn't have for so many years wow so yeah a lot going on but it was also figuring out how to manipulate the system because um for example for Wendy's Wednesday night services the um the church organist which can take me and and I would you know in the youth group figured out how to play the piano and she saw that I cleared up and play the piano so then after that she started giving me private lessons for free oh and so those were like things where I didn't have a question and she also she bought me a keyboard um and then for my recital she brought me clothes and so that was kind of

um figuring out however way I could to manipulate the system again to get what I needed well it's what you needed to to do to survive sure

and prior to that what was life like

so life was we had by that point I think I had moved

oh one two three four five or six times but it wasn't like it wasn't my mom wasn't drinking then if she had a job um

I think where her down Point fell um sorry was when I was six or seven my grandma died who was her Rock and so that's what yeah and then she had a mortgage on a house house we had looking back and with a balloon payment and so she can make the payment anymore and so then we just up and left somebody's house

um and so it wasn't stable per se but it wasn't um like for example I can't remember us doing activities together she and I or I really only remember her sitting um in the kitchen at the table reading books and smoking cigarettes

and drinking diet coke of course

so what we've been exploring and identifying so far is Josh's connection his emotional connection with food and interestingly food has an emotional impact on him it helps him calm down it even has a mental impact on him it helps him think more clearly but also as you heard in these experiences these memories that he shared around food it's also given him a sense of power and control in situations in which he really didn't have any control in which his life was filled with a lot of unpredictability and instability so now that we've identified some of the feelings and the memories and the experiences that have formed this unique relationship he has with food it's time to start tuning into his body and as we tune into his body and he starts to write down some of the feelings he's been having he starts to get an image of something which leads us to discovering a part of him that's been perpetuating this lifelong struggle with food

so as we're talking about this are you aware of what's going on in your body and I'm I'm sort of seeking to kind of go into like what are the parts of you or part or parts of you that are carrying the wounds of that time or the you know protective or survival or defense mechanisms of that time like what's going on yeah inside of you what are you aware of so immediately it's a my shoulders tensed none of my it's called English um heckles no those things that get when you're alert like animals there oh like your hat uh your pickles pickles pickles yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah hackles like isn't it with like when the fur stands on end or something yeah exactly I feel I mean so I as we've been talking I've had to noticeably like relax breathe out the lower my shoulders ah yes

yeah I think fear I don't know if I can if I if there's a word because of course logically in my brain I don't feel afraid yeah yeah my body is reacting like this because there's something to be on guard for in terms of being on guard is it does it that almost feel like a reaction to the emotions coming up I think so and they say that because like the emotions like as we're replaying rewinding and playing that clip again in my head just that those feelings in the situations with just helplessness and blisslessness helplessness

just the reaction to oh what do I do in the situations sure I know what I did in those situations and how I worked the system to to eventually get out but in the moments yeah it's real yeah can you do you have your paper and crayons or whatever you've got in front of you okay if you would let's start writing down some of the words you've said you said helplessness and listlessness

if this feels true for you you've some of the other words you've used the feeling words have been like fear

um

shame I don't know if that resonates that was a word you used earlier

yeah on guard Not Invisible invisible yes

unwanted unwanted yeah

um muted

what's the muted um so all of this issues with food as a result of all this stuff in the past really puts the metal cover

on my potential so this so that it's that potential that's muted Tamp down yeah so it's because it's a metal cover you can't hear on the other side of it or you can hear faintly but you can't hear it okay it doesn't resonate with uh it's full potential resonance yeah okay are you getting an image of that metal cover is that yeah go ahead and draw that and whatever else comes to mind it's beautiful you're doing great

okay okay what you got there yeah

it's a black great toting like a manhole covering underneath there's vibrant colors that are striving to get out

I can't register rejected

and is it like is it like an actual as though it's sort of a roadway or sort of a surface and there's a cover in it and then underneath are the colors or is it like a container um yeah so it's actually just free it's free-floating oh there's nothing else around it there's not it's on top of a road it's great there so there's like um like hatch marks oh okay yeah the gradient is like a hatch Mark gradient but is is it um are there holes in it or no no they're Knuckles no holes okay and the colors underneath

um it's just sort of like colors kind of amorphous like what masses lines

um going to the going to reach the surface but then they go back down

to blue red yellow green orange does it feel like the cover is trying to hold them in like it does it have a sort of an intention to do that is it trying to do that no no it is it's simply there uh-huh all right so in the existing system and it's also it's not budging what's its name the cover Harry Harry oh Harry oh that's great as in like h-a-r-r-y [Music] where did that come from do you know I have no idea okay that's great I love it Harry and it's like Harry the bandico the manhole cover or the manhole bury the middle cover I love it that's excellent okay

and those colors is there a name for the colors I mean um straight into potential hope yeah Catalyst all of those ads they're all named adjectives of things to help yeah oh nice okay so what Harry represents

is yes Harry is the not just the the food or the need for food and what it that actually does physically and metaphysically to my body and then the ensuing

um emotional distress that comes from from that and the uncomfortableness it's also right so it's it's all of that not letting the colors through not letting the potential and you know my truth Guiding Light um through

but also Harry represents like this hesitancy or reticence ah in allowing the colors to shine so it's both it's like double or triple or quadruple on top kind of like weighs you down is that is that what I'm hearing so physically weighing down it also leads to weight gain which then leads to you're not fitting into clothes and then always being cognizant of that when I walk into a room or I get on an airplane or I'm I'm in a meeting always thinking oh what are they gonna think of me what are they gonna think of me it wants to hold Harry wants to hold me back

because it subconsciously Harry thinks I'm more comfortable being heavy and not

you know reaching that potential taking the space that I need to take ah yeah all right so he's doing he's doing a lot here isn't he okay well is it okay if I have a conversation with Harry sure [Music] I then invite Harry to speak which he agrees to do Josh is awake and aware through our whole conversation

Harry hi it's nice to talk to you so I hear that I mean I just know a little bit about you so far you're you're just like sitting there kind of a heavy like metal cover like what what are you up to what are you doing I'm keeping things in line can you put things in order yeah I'm making sure that this all works the way it's supposed to work you know we gotta make sure we don't get too crazy here

make sure that people are and where they need to be and so there's a lot of you know people and things that want to come through and pass by me but I need to make sure that

um you know everything's okay out of hand so what's an example Harry of like things getting out of hand let's say what would you consider like oh this is too out of hand well I think what um you know letting people with Joshua or other people

you know out there showing all their colors and all the things that they think are important there well Joshua says fabulousness um because you know what happens is that people you know if I let if I were to let all the stuff through then people would quit pretty quickly see that it's all a farce it's all fake and uh I can't let that happen because that hurts people because when you're revealed to be the fake that you are then you won't be able to shine it anymore so it's better to keep people there's that Medium Level keep going on keep doing the thing that's that's important uh-huh when you say it's a farce it's a fake you mean that this like so-called fabulousness isn't real yeah well contrived which is part of the you know the system of manipulation or you know self-aggrandizements for um you know an endless supply of dopamine and bits and feeling special you know that's why I'm really grateful for tick tock and Instagram reels so people can get their hits there and not try to you know go out and be rebuilt there

and when you say people do you mean Joshua sure I mean that's you know currently you know I'm you know I'm a pretty big um great as you can tell you know importance and so I'm not only covering Joshua but I'm sure there's lots of people on me I'm covering oh okay yeah okay I see interesting okay yeah so you're not just covering Joshua you're sort of covering a lot of people yeah and trying to keep others from seeing that actually what others think is fabulous about them is not really not really fabulous it's just fake we just want to you want to make sure that people don't see that it that like Joshua and other people are just fake well yeah because what happens is then they get hurt because then they get hurt to those original you know the sources of you know of pain because

you know everyone's just an individual um you know just a tiny ant so it's not they're not going to be able themselves to move mountains you know but all this aggrandizement whether it being you know Joshua's case he was always told as a child that he was amazing he was in Kings of world and he was something special for people he you know he believed it um and so what happens is that you believe that you believe that you believe that well there's no Foundation there and so you know people get to the point where you know he is up there you know making things doing things whatever this system stuffs he talked about but then people say well where the hell is he from he grew up you know this that that another and he didn't grow up with no father he did

so that's gonna hurt us they'd start to poke holes in that fabulous facade that he has indeed indeed uh-huh yeah and see that it's all Just an Illusion yeah I judge him they ridicule him they ask him the questions of who are you supposed to be here and sure he has some right answer come composed comprised he'd probably use check GPT to put it together and that that'll fool for some people initially but you know no yeah and then and then if when that happens that would really hurt yeah yeah

so it's better you know to keep them at a mid-level you know the point where he feels like he's doing something feels like he's you know changing the systems whatever at that level but yeah going big is not going to be because then he'll just crash down he's afraid to fall he's much further to fall if I let him go higher oh yeah totally yeah I mean that makes sense right the higher you go the farther you have to fall yeah so your job is to make sure he does not he doesn't get too high like maybe a little bit you know try and bring it back down a little bit yeah yeah bring it back down yep well and I

what I'm hearing too is that you're you're really concerned about Joshua feeling hurt you really don't want him to feel hurt yeah because I don't want him to feel that he's not loved enough or that he doesn't have enough or he doesn't belong enough yeah okay yeah you know I so it's interesting Harry because those sound a lot like how he felt when he was a kiddo [Music] so those are those are very familiar feelings for him aren't they yeah yeah so he came with the happy again can't let that happen again and that's your job Harry you're like not gonna let that happen again no no I have a full deploy a full range of techniques and Technologies to make sure you keep him in the case so sure there's the food thing you know he's been 300 pounds he's also been 160 pounds and so making sure you know last time he was really felt um you know made sure I brought on this thing called covid to give him a lot of stress so he could eat some more so he can get back up because he was starting to push the boundaries and it worked so he gained a lot of weight back and and now keep on keeping him in line so he doesn't feel too proud or too arrogant or too yeah these other things they're too good yeah just generally good about himself yeah well it's just you know he has if you look in the The Meta View and their little lips you know lips are feeling good and you feel bad we all everybody goes through that so let's you know maintain those in a certain range you know they average out on average and that's the goal yeah that's that's my my um my uh my mandate here and so ah we don't want him done it's on average to feel much better because again the chances of him falling and hurting are much more yes yes you kind of calibrate that yeah [Music] so Harry is what I call an inner controller controllers are one of the three types of inner struggles that I've identified through the drawing out process and their MO is just as their name States they are trying to control us or Another Part of us but ultimately their intentions are good as you heard with Harry he's trying to protect Josh from the feelings that he had as a little child he wants Josh to feel loved he doesn't want him to feel unsafe or out of control or insecure as we're about to find out though there's an even bigger role that Harry has been playing for Josh He formed at a time to fill a particular void in Josh's life [Music]

tell me Harry how did it feel for you I mean let me just ask you this like when was the first time you remember feeling like you you needed to do this job that you're doing

let's see Miss Joshua know

hmm I think he was I remember watching him as he was coming up in school kindergarten first grade you know getting into special classes these honors classes um when he was just a little boy and that didn't really fit like with the you know the pedigree that he was born into right so you know as things went South on and the family life you know we've moved into the the duplex or the quad Plex

um it's in a tiny house then you know I saw you know he sure he was struggling but I wanted to make sure that I could get him used to accustomed to me

um controlling the ups and the downs

yeah and so this is maybe you know third fourth grade around there because you know as a child he didn't he didn't know right from wrong and about needing to limit yourself in terms of what's possible and so you know he did the church thing he did The Piano Thing into all the instruments um all this cool stuff one competitions you know up through middle school and high school that despite you know all the high schools he went to

um

and he was just trying to survive you know as he grew up he you know excited to luckily through my help was able to kind of regulate that and maintains their humility in terms of humility because yeah some of his peers that he went to University with for example you know they came from more average backgrounds that

certainly of course he never talked about because he was so ashamed of his background but it was um you know that's when he first started to realize wait he was much different [Music] um in terms of how he grew up and how he had to you know what do you have to do to survive yeah yeah this humility is so important to you Harry just curious yeah yeah you know you see and he's seen this too so many people who come from a different background and haven't had to have the hard knocks knocks then and get back up as many times as he has to and and they have no consideration no consideration whatsoever for what it takes you know whether they were born with a silver spoon in their mouth or you know whether you know they because they were of the selected class person they won the the birth Lottery but they were automatically pushed to the front of the line mm-hmm and that's just a lack of acknowledgment not everybody he's come across plenty plenty of people um who have the acknowledgment and understanding of that the the privilege that they have um but for those that don't those are the real I mean those effectively are the ones who were right in this world of [ __ ] oh yeah whether it be in government and the philanthropic world and business world right those people who can't take others views into consideration won't put themselves into their shoes which yes structures are good at but you know just that self-centeredness is what is tramming us all apart um so you don't want him to be like that no not at all

him to get too big for his britches right or else maybe he'd end up like them [Music] I forget where you came from and forget where he came from yeah curious Harry how did it feel well actually let me back up sorry it was interesting what you said earlier about that you felt like you needed to be sort of like you'd like regulate him when he was a kid and it's almost the sense I get is almost like you're an inner parent like he didn't have usually parents do that for kids right they're the ones who kind of set the boundaries and go whoop that's not okay or nope you need to do it this way or whoa whoa that wasn't very nice you know Behavior but it doesn't sound like Joshua had that and it sounds like you were aware of that he didn't have that so you felt like you needed to be that for him was that accurate sure yeah yeah I think it's a good way to look at it

yeah if you were trying to fill a void yeah in his life yeah and trying to protect him too it sounds like yeah you know it's not just about keeping them down it's also bringing him up when he needs it oh how do you bring him up when he needs it so making sure that he's you know you know whether it be he needs the the candy or the food

um you know continuing you know when he's when Josh was flat out trying to con you know continue to say you know you you can you can do this there's no need to give up you've always ended before it's always worked out yeah this is that's his mom used to say always um don't sweat the small [ __ ] and it's all small [ __ ] [Music] so how did you discover that food worked for him to help him feel better yeah well because when he didn't have any place else to turn he didn't have an adult to turn to First kids in the age had no idea what to do what was happening now he had a few teachers in school who could help out but you know they're not able to be there day in and day and day out um so I found pretty quickly that you know food not only sure got some that is his belly full

um but it made him you know and enjoy life a little bit when it was hard [Music] yeah and it sounds like it was hard a lot yeah and I was I'm curious about that too Harry how did it feel for you to see Joshua and Payne no you know everybody has pain it's part of life it's just unfortunately it's part of it I think some of us we are just born in places where it was going to be more painful um I mean a lot of people don't get through it but I think Joshua's strong he got through it persevered

I felt good to see him in pain I don't know I mean you know the fact that you want to protect him from pain from feeling that pain again tells me that it was hurt it hurt you too you know it was hard to see him yeah but it made him stronger yeah oh what doesn't kill you makes you stronger um yeah yeah I mean what one of the things I love about Joshua is that he really has taken his struggles and and turns it into wisdom you know and the work that he's doing and the impact that he has you know it's definitely made him strong in some ways it's just at the same time it sounds like a lot of this tamping down is you know might be actually making him feel weaker yeah in some ways

I think he'll get there easily he's um I don't want to say he's a rabid dog but he's he's not going to give up so there's no worry about that it's just you know make sure that you know it's none of the no but nobody gets a free lunch um and so he has to you know and he has to prove himself more on all the different areas yeah and so that just I don't know he'll come out stronger at the end and maybe he can make a bit better stay packed if that's what he's wanting to do or it's whatever it is I don't quite understand it uh [Music] you may have noticed some reticence in my voice some hesitancy to agree with Harry on this point that's because what Harry is saying is actually a pretty common statement in reaction to trauma a lot of times when we don't really want to deal with our feelings and the real pain that we experience during struggles in our lives sometimes we can say Well it made me stronger well you know it really actually it's fueled my success and while this may be true ultimately denying those feelings can really be very harmful so just in case you were hearing that in my voice that's what was going on with me that's what I was thinking but I didn't actually say it in the moment but here's the interesting thing we'll hear later on in the session essentially where those messages came from and whose voice that is [Music] do you think it helps him feel stronger to Tamp down on his light

no no I don't no not at all no of course nobody likes it but I'm worried if I weren't here and if that light shown through right then again he would just oh forget where he came from forget what he had to endure to get to where he got all right and then realize that there's no material Foundation right to what he has right look look all almost all the jobs he had he walked in there not knowing a damn thing about the subject that he got hired for uh yeah so wow he figured it out sure he's pretty good at the internet things

you can talk to people you can put things together you can see patterns other people can't see that's great but you know once you get a certain level you got to be careful

let me ask you this Harry do you want to keep doing this job forever I mean I know I hear that you're concerned about what would happen if you didn't do this job but like do you really want to keep doing this forever

well it's just what I know what I've been doing for 35 years 35 plus years mm-hmm really I have to say also because I mean Joshua's been able to get ahead and do some things that most people wouldn't have been able to do takes risks you know so it's not all you know I don't want to be made up to be the bad guy here uh-huh yeah oh no I hear you I hear you and you know I hear that you're you really care about him honestly and I mean why else wouldn't you why else would you want to protect him you saw when he was a little kiddo that he needed someone looking out for him and it sounds to me like you really took that out you took on that job and you watched him grow and you you've adjusted your techniques and you know and you you yeah you keep him down but you also try to help him feel better like I mean I'm here you're doing a lot and I am hearing I appreciate that you said that Harry because yeah I mean you've you've probably been sort of the behind the scenes you know secret to some of his some of his success sure yeah yeah and I think you should be acknowledged for that yeah absolutely and I don't want you to think I think you're not at all the bad guy I'm just sort of you know curious about like if this is really the job you want to keep doing or if it's what you know Joshua needs at this point you know since he's not a kiddo anymore sure um I I do have another question for you how do you want Joshua to feel well I

I think this is something I've been working on is been over his life is to help him feel secure uh-huh yeah secure in what he's doing

no he has all the confidence in the world it's it's all gonna work but just that he maintains you know that the humanness of him you know it's Charming right the humanist that you know you know he likes to think and and have his heads in the head in the clouds a lot in terms of changing this and changing that and putting different things together that haven't been done before how do we keep his feet on the ground and so Phil you know yeah keep his fantastic yeah okay

I have another question for you what do we like about Joshua oh he's a good fella no he's kind empathic is too brilliant these are Survivor

he's a great man [Music] you can see why you'd work so hard to protect him yeah make sure he stays a good human being [Music] at this point Harry says that he's done sharing so we go back to talking to Joshua [Music] so

stood out about that conversation for you yeah so I think a lot of that was

um I'm laughing because I don't I got my Texas drawback [Laughter] because that's how my mom talks it's exactly like the phraseology she hears that I I realized that like halfway through the conversation um I was like well I'm too far right now that's exactly wow all of those things like keeping down make sure you keep humble you know if you figure it out you know if you don't if you don't kill you makes you stronger that's that's her through and through 100 foreign

how did that feel then it really sounds nice I feel good it's like I was kind of like being Honkers like you didn't see my mama again she's been gone and she's been dead for 15 years

but it felt like there was some reconnection with her there sure sure oh that's wow did you just say it felt like being hugged yeah yeah interesting

so yeah what else

okay so you know just my my ways okay great we've I identified acknowledged it now let's get it out of here okay is that how you're feeling right now yeah come on yeah yeah yeah no no that's good don't worry

she wouldn't be thinking to process it that's yeah about holding that yeah we'll get there it's okay to sit and let it process right now but we will get there I promise yeah

yeah it's multifaceted right because yes it's the food yes it's holding back yes it's putting uh cover on allowing me to get to where I think I need to go to go but there's also this and I mentioned it briefly in the conversation with Harry that I feel like I've been conditioned my entire life to be great to do great and so that's always something that I haven't really spoken I don't know if I've spoken or really looked at that specifically but it's just this expectation from everyone around me from my my sibling from always growing up that oh well Joshua's Gonna Change the World

how did it feel for you to get those messages growing up or even as an adult and at the same time how did it feel for Harry to bring that up yeah yeah so for me as a kid it was just that was an acknowledgment of my strength of my individuality of my uniqueness I think for Harry it was frankly baseless you know coming from where I where I grew up and how the people in my family how they grew up

um it's effectively I guess what they were saying is you are not going to stay here and be one of us oh interesting right right and so it's not

necessarily you know all this you know again the Haves and Have Nots but just I'm you know as how was Harry thinking about that or my mom thinking about that you're going to change the world is that that's the only thing they knew how to say when they knew that I you know I wasn't part of that ah or is it meant to be in that click or that class you know interesting yeah yeah yeah

so what does Harry look like now has he changed at all I think he's he's in the corner looking back oh in the corner yeah okay he's looking looking just observing to seeing okay what happens next let's

quite decided how he's going to manifest the next whatever that is he's manifesting okay can you draw him how he looks now I'd love to

what you got there yeah so I see him now he's not there's that flat before he's more two-dimensional yes he was three-dimensional because he had uh a little little girth to him um but now I see Morris in a three-dimensional Realm where he's more a bit of a blob still a metal thing but he's now more porous okay where and I kind of see is maybe standing up one of the walls he's standing up against his his glass and so the lake can then reflect back out a bit more rightly maybe because I feel like he's in the corner like trying to figure out okay what do I do next like

and um does he have a face no no no he's a blob

he's a blob

yes I guess he's waiting to see if he wants to necessary the lead he's not ready to retire yeah right because he also feels takes ownership or responsibility or yeah ownership is right yeah for too good in the bed along the way yeah yeah okay so he's not ready to before go completely okay but I think he's trying to figure out what that next metamorphosis this is okay well he doesn't have to figure it out on his own just letting you know him know that it's okay we'll figure it out together if if he's open to that um and how are you feeling about him yeah I feel I feel warm oh yeah because again it was me and my mom and some of the realizations like around

you know holding back ah the holding back part like the putting a damper because of the fear of failure because of the fear of of course the imposter syndrome and everything that comes with that

do you see how he's been trying to protect you whatever ways he knew up to now okay so you see his good intentions for you there you go

I then guide Josh through a short script that helps Harry feel valued and appreciated for what he's been trying to do for him here's how Harry responded

how does he feel hearing that how do we respond to that you feel seen

he feels understood

yeah and appreciated good

good has he changed at all just curious

no I think you still blob okay just curious for a second check in yeah with holes the holy blob

okay excellent

I then guide Joshua through a short script that helps Harry know that he no longer needs to feel think or behave that way that it's okay to let it go here's how Harry responded

how did he respond to that

foreign

do you feel like giving him a hug yeah or even receiving one from him okay yeah yeah why don't you go ahead and do that

how does that feel good for sure [Music] I then got Joshua through another step so that Harry can realign with Joshua's desires and Truth [Music] so I want to feel full of energy and light and buoyancy and effervescence and abundance and all these great adjectives um and determination and cunning and

quick but grounded I'm gonna feel in harmony with life and family and work and pleasure and all the things nice nice and I think essentially I'm a joyful agitator oh interesting I like that

so Kevin my there's an experience with systems

getting around them and through them and all the good stuff so I want to be you know that presence

of where I both am able to

quickly identify holes to heal systems or to change systems to be more healthy for for all um but also not be afraid going back to what Harry was doing of taking up that space that I need [Applause] and not feeling shame for being as big as I need to be and using that as a continuing multiplier oh yeah

so this image of of being a blue lobster in US in a small

um Aquarium uh-huh you know one that sure is impossible to grow as big as you can imagine but it can only I can only mold to fit inside of my aquarium so it's about being comfortable with

building myself a bigger Aquarium interesting

okay is this a positive image for you then yeah does this feel good is this like yeah I am the blue lobster yes yes okay go for it so it's not that I'm feeling trapped it's I guess this is the the metaphorical cage or glass that an aquarium has so being able I guess to be comfortable in living in the ocean

so being a blue lobster almost like let me see if I understand this correctly you've been a blue lobster like in an aquarium yeah in a tiny aquarium in a tiny aquarium but now it's like I want to be the blue lobster in the big Great Big Sea yeah and feel comfortable with that yeah what is Harry how does he feel he could support you in that um

you know I think but Harry feels like he's doing is taking off one of the sides of the Aquarium

right and so yeah we'll still be there and maintain that Aquarium in all its Glory so when I need to come back you know visit you know my my roots always be there nice and how does that feel for you yeah it feels it feels um grounded homely right it's having that spot as needed

all right so what you got there yeah so I see a lobster coming out of this purple tank with purple walls so let's do grass and and some things in it uh-huh and then just going off into

why the Yonder and how does that feel for you that feels nice okay

and I just want to check because I realized I didn't ask Harry's definitely done with his old job correct Terry's out I'm done with this little drop okay just want to make sure I realized I forgot to ask that's always I want to make sure he's completely done his little job he is helping to maintain this aquarium yeah where the blue lobster used to be but it considers home right it's comfortable and safe but he's letting you the blue lobster or he's you know he's there to maintain it while you get to be out in the Great Big Sea

and it feels good for you yeah because it gives her a purpose now I love it it's almost like like they say keep the home fires burning yeah yeah like he started keeping the home fires burning

what a sweetie he is sounds like he really loves you [Music] so at this point Harry is complete his transformation is total he is done with his old job he is ready to be here to support Joshua in living his truth and shining his brightest light as opposed to pushing that light down which is what he was doing before but listen to what happens next as we hear Joshua struggling with this new reality with the possibility that he could actually be free of this inner struggle [Music]

figuring with Harry and so oftentimes most of them Harry win sometimes he doesn't but oftentimes it'll be periods where he doesn't win and he still figures out how to you know do what he needs to do and so it's just about but like I guess it's that trusting of that subconscious stuff isn't coming to the floor it won't come to the four or you know that fear that oh well is that I think if there's only a 7586 thing you've tried

that's I guess there's some some Warriors interpretation in my feelings yeah yeah yeah it's like how can I trust he's not going to go back to doing that no um and also it's been such a constant struggle for so long it can be hard to believe that oh maybe things could be different and also even on some level who am I without this struggle yeah yeah I mean because my entire

um Playbook of who I am where I've gotten how I've been here it's because of the struggle of overcoming all this yeah and so it's like well what are you struggling with foreign

so imagine if there wasn't a struggle

yeah what's the hoof what's going on there just that like sense of relief like oh if you didn't actually have to you know if you didn't use so much energy on this and you were able to free that up to just let that energy do something else wow yes yes so just for fun let's do you want to play with that sure like wow all this energy that up to now has been caught up in struggle yeah I mean it can be overwhelming of like oh my god what the flu what you know like almost a little overwhelming like oh that's what do I do with that but also like wow what can I do with that sure what if it were also that you could actually feel comfortable in your own skin yeah too sure yeah I mean there's only been very few times where I've actually felt that

and the thought of actually feeling that way what happens for you when you actually consider that it's a possibility yeah I can actually feel that way because you're not sure because

I don't know because it's a different identity because I've always struggled I've always had to be fighting for something or against something I don't know it's a different yeah like I said it's a different different identity so having to become comfortable with that identity yeah yeah and realizing that you are not your struggle yeah and you never were your struggle you're just very identified with it and it has served you I mean as he even said Harry I was like well but let me ask you this so in terms of your own truth what do you who do you feel you're here to be what do you feel is your truth

um

so it's a melange of of words and Concepts so

so I'm here in this life

to catalyze revolutionary systemic healing and betterment [Music] being the first or the second domino in a complicated mural of dominoes that when fall result in humans being able to be more okay with themselves with each other with their communities organizations and with Earth

so what if your life up to now and the struggles you've had prepared you for living this truth yeah

and as they've prepared you you know made you stronger given you insights kind of forced you to develop aspects of you that without those struggles may not have developed as fully so now that you're you've had the weight training if you will

does it serve your truth to keep carrying those struggles with you while you're trying to affect that truth no right I know because those are all precedents that were required to this yes yes that they don't need to be active conflagrant but rather states of existence of the past will and Harry kept saying I don't want him to forget where he comes from so I don't see you forgetting no where you come you've come from or what you've been through but just because we like we can we can remember something without carrying that emotional charge from it right we can remember something without being burdened by the trauma of it we can take those lessons and release the emotional stuff that is draining can make us more triggered it can prevent us from seeing things as clearly because we're then seeing it through the lens of that drama as opposed to seeing from place of wisdom having been through that that like fully present in the moment now yeah

so like I see it as like you have been through a kind of hell you know like boot camp

to enable you to be ever more strong and powerful and incredible and empathic and real yeah so that you can bring all of that to more to living this truth that you're here to live yeah

it's just by way of saying that we can become kind of attached to our struggles and even a little bit addicted too especially if you're not used to it right like not used to not being in struggle right but then when you think in terms of well does that work like does it is it really working for me I mean I can my story might be working for me in terms of sharing why I'm passionate about what I do and how I help people it doesn't mean I have to carry all the emotional charge and can't wait and burden of it yeah it's funny it's okay to be okay [Laughter] it's okay to not be okay and it's okay to be okay yeah anything else coming up for you like a few more things I want to draw oh good yeah yeah

and um

so I'm drawing this idea of the temporality of struggling but it's not yeah so that's an important building block but it's not the current that runs through

yeah okay good nice nice okay good what'd you draw Andrew um um brick struggle bricks that were on top of each other to represent that just I think it doesn't move it's um I think it's part of the foundation or whatever it needs to be built and how are you feeling you're good

Harmony and so balanced intrigued to see what happens next well the good thing is you got Harry they were helping you keeping the home fire spraying for you helping you have a safe haven to come to

he's always there for you and you know for hugs

exactly [Music] I caught up with Joshua a few weeks after our session to find out how he'd been feeling and what changes he'd noticed he said the overarching feeling had been of self-acceptance that every time he passes a mirror he's not like he said he'd been going to events and not giving a [ __ ] what people think about him and at any time a self-critical thought would come up he'd think ah there's nothing I can do to satiate you and the thought would go away he said with the food stuff specifically I used to think I need the comfort of food but now I can decide do I need this he said I don't always make the right choice but at least now there's a space for that choice to be made ultimately I asked Joshua so are you feeling more relaxed in your own skin and Joshua said yeah I certainly am and that's what we want to feel more whole and safe and relaxed in our own skin so that we aren't reacting from our triggers our pain our fears our blocks our blind spots so that we're not controlled by our subconscious so that when we choose to eat this or not eat that it's our choice not the choice of some part of us that formed way back when when we needed it to help us survive [Music] if you'd like to see the drawings from this session go to darklighttruth.com and scroll down to the drawing section if you want to learn how to draw out your own inner struggles and strengths you can take our free 45-minute course in our free change light Community simply go to community.changelight dot world where you can also discuss episodes of dark light truth in a safe supportive space and get my insights about them if you are interested in going through the drawing out process privately with me over the phone or in person go to changelike.world forward slash coaching if you'd like to apply to go through the drawing up process for this podcast please apply at changelight.world forward slash apply if you enjoy dark light truth please post a review and share an episode with your family and friends this raises our ratings and enables us to help even more people darklight truth was recorded on riverside.fm and edited with GarageBand the music is from tribe of noise and soundstripe I especially want to thank my parents Susan and Link Eldridge and my husband Coco Torres all of whom have been incredibly loving patient and wise mentors for me in my work the drawing out process is not therapy and I am not a licensed therapist I developed this work myself and I am its exclusive owner and guide whether you are a Seeker or practitioner please respect that this is my proprietary work and it must be properly LED in order for it to be fully effective do not try to do this process on your own

[Music] thank you [Music] it's great that they used to call me little money not the little what Monet oh yeah that was sarcasm yes [Laughter] yes