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  • Writer's pictureEmily Eldredge

🎙NICOLE | "Kevin" (Body Shame)

Here are Nicole's drawings, the video, and the raw transcript from Episode 8 of the podcast DARK LIGHT TRUTH.


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VIDEO



 

TRANSCRIPT

[Music] my weight has it's about 15 lbs more than I was before my second child and no matter how I coach myself to accept it I still [Music] can't his whole body he's just he's really uncomfortable with himself and he's really really engorged with rage


she's shaming me constantly and then I'm having to defend myself constantly and it's absolutely soul


crushing and she keeps getting her heartbroken again and again because she thinks maybe now and nope it's the same old SE


keep listening to yourself man like you you've got this your inner truth is the


[Music] truth I am Emily eldrich and this is dark light Truth where we dive into people's Darkness reclaim their light and reveal their truth what you're about to hear is a real person going through an actual session of the drawing out process my seventh step emotional healing technique in which we draw out talk with and fully heal an inner part or parts at the core of a person's struggle every session is filled with surprises epiphanies twists and turns we never know what we will encounter nor who inner critics crying children angry walls gruesome monsters it all depends on the world that formed within the person in reaction to their life experiences as well as what their inner wisdom deems is ready to heal once and for all join us as we solve inner Mysteries heal inner struggles discover incredible wisdom and guide this person back to the wisdom light and Truth within them so that they can fully live that truth light up and light up our world listen closely because you never know hearing them heal and light up just might help you heal and light up [Music] too join me now for my session with a fabulous American woman named Nicole what you will hear is an edited version of her full 3-hour session which she volunteered to record for this podcast let's listen as she describes her struggle with self-acceptance and especially with her own body there are lots of layers to this issue including her own history with an eating disorder and the kind of upbringing that she [Music] had ever since I had my second child um my weight has been the exact same um it's been very stable but it's about 15 lbs more than I was before my second child and having had a history of an eating disorder um with a mother who has an active eating disorder it's really hard yeah really really really hard for me to be in this body and so I've been really wrestling with like can I just accept myself can I just love myself um we're living in 2023 where the W is not the you know the ideal I try to kind of Coach myself out of feeling bad about it but I still I still really do but then there's the other piece which is that I really love to exercise and I haven't had that in my life um for this whole time that you know I've been at this other weight and so that stuckness that block where it's like I I feel my I think my Defender is like don't go there don't try to lose weight don't do that because when I did it before when I was anorexic it got so out of control and you know we're talking about joining a gym we're talking things that are really healthy you know I don't I'm not interested in like a a severe diet you know to try to lose weight and it's like you know can I meet myself with a loving understanding that I'm probably not going to be the same weight that I was before but there's just something about where I am now that doesn't feel right and no matter how I coach myself to accept it I still can't so I feel like that's maybe an area where we could do some healing when I when I did the change light course I drew out is this like you know obese character who I think just really doesn't want me to turn out like him oh so would you mind describing he's really really huge like sweaty really sweaty his face his armpits just like you know staining his shirt and just lumpy and um his fists are baled up and he like is pretty much immobile like he doesn't I don't think he can leave his house I don't I don't think he can get up off the couch okay like I think if you were in the same room with him he would be taking up most of the space in the room and just be really kind of smelly and unwashed he's really uncomfortable with himself and he's really really engorged with rage oh I think he feels like really really guilty about these choices that he made that he regrets but he just blames everyone else he doesn't have like an ability to make amends or ask for forgiveness so there's a lot of Shame you know that he's trying to eat his way through ah um yes I think he's really scared he feels like this might be it for his life and he's gonna like die on the couch and his cats are gonna eat him but they can't even eat him because he's so big are there cats around him are you actually seeing cats yes there's so many cats oh my God so many cats it's just like you never would want to go into this place where he lives cuz it would just smell horrible like cat pee and but I think they're his only friends like I don't think his family talks to him or his friends he doesn't have any friends I I think you know he's pushed everyone away he because he feels so ashamed of what's happened to him oh yeah think he feels really isolated yeah and really


lonely so here Nicole has given us a clear image of her struggles with accepting her body as it is and she's pointed to a couple of reasons why for one thing she actually has a history of an eating disorder plus she has a mother with an active eating disorder and even though she loves to exercise she feels this block because she's afraid that if she were to start to go in that direction that she might fall off that cliff and go back to that extreme approach that she used to have to weight loss and so during my free 45-minute course that she took took in preparation for this session she Drew out this big hairy sweaty gross guy who's covered in cats and he is suffering from a mix of feelings rage guilt shame but this guy isn't the only one that Nicole Drew she Drew someone else and this is how we start to hear more about how this guy treats her and how it makes her feel and as you hear what this guy tells Nicole consider if you got any parts inside of you telling you similar things and making you feel the same way about [Music] yourself and then I I drew what I you know think is me which is a girl maybe a third of the height of this character and a sixth of the size of him she's just crying because she doesn't really understand where he's coming from he's like I don't I don't get it like I don't you know I'm so sorry that you feel so uncomfortable in your body but like I I don't know why you are so afraid from


me so he's just so critical of every choice that I make and you know like I eat vegetables I eat you know Greens in my smoothie every morning I walk I do Pilates I'm not a couch potato you know um I have a healthy routine that has maintained my weight and my fitness level for these years but that does not satisfy him he's like that's not enough and he's like pointing at the scale and like clearly it's not enough because your weight to isn't budging and and he's like I know you don't like it anyway I know you don't like how you feel right


now okay and like also you're kidding yourself like you're lying to yourself and you're going to look back at this I'm going to whip you into shape and you're going to look back at this period with


shame I've been a fitness professional for 20 years like I I genuinely get a source of well-being it's fun I like being in community with other people who are you know doing the same thing um it's not a it's not a competitive thing for me but I all of those positives just slip away from me when I'm dominated by this pain that of him possibly being right and then me giving into him and then um there's this possibility that yeah I could feel shame but then it's like I think I actually do feel shame every single day because he's shaming me constantly and then I'm having to defend myself constantly and it's this is like a lose lose situation and I and I want to break out of of it it's absolutely soul crushing it's like I feel so connected to my inner beauty I I feel in some ways connected to my outer beauty and like I I am a light in this world and to have the this criticism is brutal it's un it feels unfair you know it feels um like it's reducing me to uh this one thing this one set of facts that um doesn't show the whole of me but there's definitely a part of me that buys into it and


agrees and the place where I'm I'm finding a lot of resistance is I'm angry like I'm really angry at how much energy he takes up in my in my head like it's astounding and because of that I feel rebellious and will make choices sometimes that are kind of a flipping him the


bird yeah like [ __ ] you dude yeah uhuh that may not be the what is actually going to make me feel good or the best but it's because I'm so sick of him and I definitely don't want him to be right because I don't want him to feel like I'm giving into to him because I'm so angry yeah you're at war with this guy


yes Nicole is indeed at war with this guy inside of her this vicious horrible denigrating pressuring undermining inner critic who is demeaning her at every turn and finding fault with everything she's trying to do to make her life better and so of course she has this rebelliousness towards him like you know whatever dude fine I'm going to do whatever I want because no matter what I do it's never enough but these parts that we have inside of us like this guy they don't just come out of nowhere they have their own origin stories they have their own reasons for being and that's what we're going to find out next Nicole sees a direct link between this guy inside of her and someone very close to her in her


life there is another piece to it that is connected to my mother who is has a horribly toxic relationship with her body and we are the same height and so my whole life it's been a direct Like Apples to Apples comparison with um even as I say that I realize that's like we're two different people how can it be Apples to Apples but that's the way that I've internalized it that um and I recall from her my entire childhood teens adult years Etc always knowing how much she weighed and then feeling like that's how much I should weigh because we're the same height um and my weight now is 30 pounds more than that


number and I can say but my BMI is still in healthy range and all the other things I've already said but that character is like you fat


girl and by the way I think I've made him a h because it's too scary to make him her because then it's like too much just my mom but it's like safer it's safer for me to to think of him as a hem but I mean it's definitely my mom's voice that I've internalized he's the first one to be like go dye your hair go get BOTOX like these things that I don't want to do because I want to fight against this sort of what I think is very trendy you know um saying about not aging gracefully and not embracing aging and I want to be a good role model because my mother has done a ton of plastic surgery and facei and you know all these things that just show me that she's so uncomfortable with aging and I want my daughter to know that you know there's stages and phases of Life they're all beautiful and but for him he's like these are signs of weakness um and so you better just get on top of it just go you know he wants me to have like a mommy makeover of plastic surgery which is huge huge surgery oh it takes so much energy for me to explain to him again and again and again why I'm not going to do it yeah let's say you did all of it the what's it called the mommy makeover mommy makeover hair every everything or everything if you did everything you think he'd be happy


no and that in a word describes like my mother because she like you know spend so much money on all of these things so so much of her energy so much of her time you know pushing away other people prioritizing this you know ideal of perfection and she's still wildly insecure and clearly does not love herself she thinks that I should be doing if she's making these choices then she thinks I should be doing it instead of saying you know just love yourself the way that you are which is kind of what as a child you your parent to


say but I never felt that way as a kid I never felt Lov for who I was I always felt like I had to do something to earn it oh yeah that was the root of a lot of why you know an eating disorder was sort of my addiction of choice was like you know okay let me just show how good I am at losing weight M and making perfect grades there were a lot of other things that I couldn't control but those were were things that I felt like okay you know I know I can do this so then I can get her love and attention she was so and continues to be so focused on herself and trying to make herself what she thinks is perfect that I and when I was a kid I kind of thought maybe it was but as I've grown up now I think her idea of perfection is is very very


sick and like diseased and I would never want that for myself or my


daughter so we just heard that there is a very clear connection between this guy and the voice and influence of Nicole's own mother the pressure the even prescriptive pressure to do certain things to her body to be accepted or acceptable to fit some kind of standard of skinniness and agelessness but Nicole clearly doesn't want to do those things because she doesn't want to model that approach for her daughter she wants to model self-acceptance so you can hear there's this real fundamental struggle in here between the influences in Nicole's life versus what her truth really wants her to do versus what she truly values for herself and for her daughter and as you listen to that you might have noticed some similarities between what Nicole was told or even what was impressed upon her overtly or subliminally and some of the messages that you might have gotten growing up that have led to you having a harder time accepting yourself as you are so at this point we have a very clear idea of who this guy is and where he comes from but we don't yet know his name so it's time to find


out what's his name Kevin


Kevin I love it I confess that was not what I was expecting I know I know it's such a funny name is Kevin who we need to talk to I think you need to talk to him yeah is he okay to talk okay cool all right I don't think he wants to talk to you


but this happens sometimes that a part really doesn't want to talk to me but inevitably they always end up spilling the beans so anyway I invite Kevin to speak and he grudgingly agrees to speak with me Nicole is awake and aware through our whole


conversation uh


ah what oh hi so hi Kevin so you sound pretty exasperated kind of angry what's going on I'm not going to say hi to you I don't know I don't even know you I don't like you I don't oh okay that's okay I mean I don't blame you you don't know me right right yeah you don't know me so why would you trust me


why would you care what I have to say I don't trust anyone lady oh everyone else is an [ __ ] and the only people that I trust are no people just cats interesting why do you trust cats they're not they just do whatever they're going to do and they don't they're not like dogs who are going to lick you and want to love on you and you know need a lot of padding on the head like they've got their [ __ ] sorted out they don't need they don't need anybody they don't even need me I have a membership at Costco and I get their food and there's a cat door and they just go in and out and yeah I buy their food in bulk but really they just they I get it delivered because I can't drive there oh so Kevin so I'm hearing you don't what you don't leave the house very much no I don't I don't like it when people are looking at me oh what why would people look at you Kevin uh don't you know anything because I'm [ __ ] fat I'm fat okay I'm really [ __ ]


fat and people are stupid and they just look at me and you know and it's hard for me to get around I have to use like a scooter thing you know I can't walk so you know everyone just looks at me and stares at me and they don't they don't talk to me they don't ask me anything about how I got this way or you know how's my day going oh they just judging me they're just judging me yeah I hear you so tell me your story then kin how did you end up you know you mentioned you know how you ended up this way and you know what's your story I mean already I'm just thinking you're judging me because you're asking me how I ended up this way no I mean it's it wasn't any of it my fault oh okay like people you know when I was younger like I did not experience any love or attention in my family and was just the person in my family that was the punching bag and I could never do anything right believe me I tried oh yeah I really tried I could never do anything right and my parents are [ __ ] pin heads they didn't they must not have even wanted me in the first place I I I can't explain it why they would have even had me if they were going to treat me like the they did to just had these expectations of me that I was going to be this certain way you know perfect and I tried and I tried and I tried and nothing I could ever do was ever going to meet their expectations and so it's really not my fault that I kept food in my room and in my bedside drawer and you know in the cabinets in the bathroom is not my fault because eating those Foods were the only time I ever felt good it made me feel good to to eat it made me feel comforted but you know my parents couldn't be bothered to pay attention to me to just ever ever ever say you know we love you Kevin we just love you for you you are just wonderful the way you are we just support you and we just you know are so glad you're in our lives you just bring so much joy into our lives no


no they were so embroiled in their own pin head [ __ ] that they could never even make time to open the door and maybe notice the fact that their child had food in bed underneath the covers and that probably wasn't [ __ ] normal but they never even noticed it's almost like I'm daring them to notice what I'm doing and they never noticed I'm just closing the door and [ __ ] you know stuffing my face and I'm supposed to feel bad for being fat by the way they're not perfect so why would they ever expect me to be perfect is so [ __ ] up like I can see very clearly how imperfect they were and yet the standard at which they held me is like stupid like and I like try to like tell you like you know you need to show up like there's all these kids around there's all this stuff like y all just keep hiring babysitters and hiring these people and having these like nanny people live us to try to take care of your children take care of your own sucking children why why are we having to be farmed out to be taken care of by these other people like why did you have so many kids if you can't even take care of us much less actually pay attention or love us


thanks H I hate them so


much so Kevin has just described for us a childhood filled with emotional neglect a sense of Abandonment of being ignored but at the same time an extreme expectation of perfection that his parents expected him to be perfect and so then he turned to food as his emotional Comfort obviously the childhood that Kevin's describing is Nicole's so Kevin is the one who's carrying the rage the sadness the frustration the exasperation the futility that Nicole felt as a little girl being in that household Kevin goes on to describe some additional pressures and expectations that were put on him that is on Nicole when he was a child and how that wounded him even further and by the way you're going to start to hear some popping which is kind of annoying I tried to get rid of that I have no idea why it's there but just bear with it it'll subside


soon they were really unhappy really unhappy


like the [ __ ] up thing is that there like to the outside world like they look so perfect though like we had this like perfect family uhhuh it's so frustrating I just wanted to shout you know like no there's no way I could tell anybody the truth because I felt like I was the only person who saw the


truth disorienting to have your parents say that one thing is true and then you're standing there and being like that's not the reality that I'm in and they're like oh we love each other and we love you I'm like this is love it feels horrible and it's like I feel like an [ __ ] because you know I was able to go to you know a fancy school and go on fancy trips and go to summer camp buy things and go to you know like I could do any of those things but like so I feel like an [ __ ] for complaining about it but then it's like there's a part of me that's just like I wish I was you know part of a poor family that loves each other and then just smiled and yeah and like you know got up in the morning and smelled breakfast cooking and like you know my mom like pick me up or you know take me things or whatever like I I just feel like an [ __ ] for thinking that like life where I had all these Privileges and stuff a sham but like that's how it felt in living inside of it that was your reality it's okay to feel how you feel it's totally okay Kevin for you to feel how you


feel you might be the first person to have ever said that to me my parents if there was ever a feeling that I had they would just say snap out of it and they would turn my face to look at the reality that they said


existed and it's really [ __ ] crazy to feel like you're more mature than your parents it's like I could trust them I could trust them and then I'm saying but yeah but you can't trust yourself because they are the authority they are the parent they are the grown-up so they are right even though I'm looking at the situation and seeing all these ways they're wrong it's like but they're the grownup they must be right so you must be wrong then I'm in this like constant cycle of having these thoughts and seeing what I think is reality and then telling myself no it's not reality no no no no no no your feelings are wrong stop crying no no no you have everything that you could want even though I didn't have everything I could want emotionally emotionally exactly so I just started hiding everything really really good at hiding well because you weren't safe to show your feelings didn't want to constantly be told that no that's not really how you feel that hurts yeah so through Kevin we're hearing that Nicole was deeply unhappy as a child because of the emotional neglect and the pressures that were put on her by her parents but at the same time she was expected to pretend as though everything was just fine so that she could help her parents maintain this facade that they're this perfect family she wasn't allowed to express her feelings her feelings were dismissed she was gaslit and she was basically told that she had nothing to complain about because well she has everything she wants and she's in this wealthy family but I can tell you having worked with a lot of financially priv Ved people no amount of money in the world can ever make up for a lack of emotional care so now that Kevin has had a chance to share a lot from his childhood and the abuse he suffered at the hands of his parents I ask him how he's feeling and he grudgingly tells me that he's you know actually starting to trust me a little bit and how he's not really used to talking about himself and he'd rather focus on other people's feelings and fixing their problems for them which prompts me to ask who he's trying to help really and what I'm getting at is I want to hear what he has to say about the little girl in the


drawing so is there anyone in particular you're trying to help or you wish you could help no yes oh who is it this girl and she just this the biggest crybaby of the world does not ever stop crying she's just crying crying crying crying crying and it's like I know all the things that she needs to do and I tell her all the time exactly what to do and then she acts like I'm the one that's being an [ __ ] by telling her what she needs to do and she's she's just being a pin head she tells me that my point of view is not right and and she doesn't want to do that but I'm like yeah you do because if you don't up fat and alone like me so why is it that you want her to listen to you you know why like like do you care about her I mean she's actually a really cute person she's really sweet and funny and she's pretty bright and I just feel like childhood was a lot like mine and just don't want her to make the same mistakes that I did oh because you know there was a certain point where I just let myself go like I was trying trying to you know fit all these expectations and to do all these things and then I was secretly you know hiding and like you know hiding parts of myself and then then eventually I stopped trying do all the perfect things and then it just became All Hiding and that's how I ended up here you asked me in the beginning how to do end up here that's how and now I'm alone and really [ __ ] fat I feel like she could do a better job than me of living up to all these expectations like she she could if she tried she could actually get there and I think that she she she's resentful of those expectations in the first place and so she's like no those are not my expectations I don't I don't own those those are not mine and but I'm trying to tell her and whether you like it or not this is it and you can actually do it so just [ __ ] do it then you will not end up alone so did you catch that just now we just heard Kevin's intentions for this little girl he is pressuring her and criticizing her and trying to get her to change so that she won't end up alone this is where we hear that this inner critic has good intentions for this little girl that he's attacking and criticizing and trying to control which by the way if you've taken the change course or listen to some episodes of this podcast you'll recognize that indeed Kevin is what we call an inner controller one of the three types of EX Powers which are the three types of inner struggles that we all have inside of us he's trying to control this little girl and get her to change because he thinks that if she'll change then he and she will get the result that he ultimately wants for her but as as is the case with inner controllers and inner critics like him just because his intentions are good does not mean that his impacts and results are good in fact often they have the exact opposite effect of what that controller really wants for that person and so you'll hear me gently start to point this out to Kevin because what I'm trying to do is get him to realize ultimately that yeah his intentions are good but his actions aren't actually working rather than helping the little girl it's actually hurting her so the way you were treated when you were a kid you had a lot of pressure put on you correct like to be perfect MH and to look and you know appear a certain way or to get certain grades or whatever so you had a lot of pressure put on you did that feel good for you felt like they're trying to make me into something that I'm not it's pretty rude to to feel like the part the the me that I was was just not good enough it was just like really really rude and hurt at the same time it sounds to me like that you're putting a lot of pressure on her you know and kind of talking to her the way you were spoken to would you agree or no yeah yeah I mean it's understandable cuz that's all you've known right that's how you were treated mhm but how do you think that makes her


feel well I know because she's constantly telling me like just to love her and appreciate her if I if I think she's so great then why can't I just you know let her be and let her figure things out on her own I don't think she you know it's it hurts me that she doesn't listen to me because I don't think she does appreciate what I'm


saying so what I'm hearing is that you want to feel


appreciated for what you're trying to do for her yeah yeah but I guess I'm just wondering about is it working what you're


doing no it sounds like making feel like she's not good enough the way she is I'm curious about how how do you want her to


feel I want her to feel


loved yeah want her to feel special and beautiful and smart and appreciated and want her to feel seen and heard and I want her like she can trust herself oh you want her to trust herself mm yeah what do you think could happen if she were to trust herself when she like walks through the world she's not [ __ ] guessing her self and also other people cuz I think she's always like kind of wondering if the people who say that they love her really do like yeah her insecurities melt away because she's just like trusting like okay like you know I'm doing the best I can and when I screw up and then I'm going to acknowledge and you know say I'm sorry I try to fix it do better next it's not going to like take her down to the studs like she's just going to keep going and just kind of be happy gol lucky because she's not going to be carrying around all this like you know heavy burden of like questioning herself all the time and then just being stuck on these like cassettes that just keep playing over and over and over on a loop because I think that's like really slowing her down and like making her feel paralyzed so like I feel like if she were to trust herself and the way she would show up in the world is like taking up more space like she's been small and small and smaller and to be honest like I Tred to talk to her she's so dang small I can barely see her literally becoming a pin head really think she is a pin head so I think she would show up in a way that would be like she would just Bloom and Blossom and become bigger and bigger and take more space and you know and then she's doing that she's probably going to attract in other people that are doing the same thing and then she's going to be surrounded by people pin heads but people who are fully out blossomed and then she's going to be happy because she's going to be around other people that are like her she's actually a really wonderful person she might have to clip some attachments that she has now in order to do that like some things that are holding her back and down her relationship with her parents is definitely keeping her small they feel threatened by her when gets bigger part of why she's so held back is because she feels like she just needs to be in relationship with them so then she allows in dysfunction and toxicity and immaturity to to cover her up and then just shrinking her down down down down if she could clip that then she might actually be able to be who she's really supposed to be in this world and that she wants to be and it like every second that she isn't that person that she doesn't show up that way it hurts her but the thought of also not being loved by her parents and not being that person that her parents want to be also hurts her so she's just like trapped it's even bigger than that because he wants them to love and accept


themselves okay then she could be in a healthy relationship with them which she wants but no matter what she does no matter how many ways she can torts herself if they don't do that there's no way that they can ever be in a healthy relationship because it takes two people to be in a health healthy people to be in a healthy relationship so even no matter how healthy she is if they are still dysfunctional then it can never happen so she's like and they're getting older so like what does she do she just wants to change them but she she does like I don't know if she can and she keeps getting her heartbroken again and again because she thinks maybe now and nope no no no no it's the same old [ __ ] and that really hurts her and I really want to prevent her from feeling like that ever again so I basically said either you ch CH yourself completely or you can't be in relationship with them


anymore I don't think she really knows if I'm right and I don't think she really knows what to


do so wow we just heard a lot there for one thing we heard that Kevin who's been trying to change this little girl and tell her that basically she's not good enough and she needs to change who she is and how she is that really ultimately he wants her to trust herself he wants her to live her truth but at the same time there's this deep existential struggle that this little girl AKA Nicole has when it comes to living her truth but also wanting to be in connection with her own parents but the fact that her parents are to use her word dysfunctional and toxic that it's really hard to be in a healthy relationship with her own parents while at the same time trying to be healthy herself and so there's just so much angst and difficulty in this and as you hear about Nicole's struggles you might identify with those maybe you've had some issues with that with your own parents how can you fully wholly be yourself and trust your truth and live your truth while at the same time being in connection with people who may may or may not be supportive of your truth or may or may not be healthy for you to be around so Nicole's clearly in this bind and as much as I wish that I could fix this or solve this for her in this moment that's not really my job my job is to heal the conflict that Nicole carries within in this case between this big hairy fat guy and the little girl that he's attacking and controlling no matter how good his intentions are because by helping these two parts of her heel not be at war with each other and in service to Nicole that's how we can help Nicole feel more clear whole empowered so that she can navigate the choppy Waters of that relationship in a way that is most empowering and healthy for her so what I'm hearing and you may have heard it too is there's this chain of people people trying to change each other so next you're going to hear me start to point that out to Kevin and ultimately the futility of doing [Music] so so it's interesting because I'm hearing that you're trying to change her and she's trying to change them and ain't nobody


happy including me by the way yeah you know it's like everybody wants to everyone's got all this advice for here's how if you just do this you'll just make it happy but then it's this this like chain of people trying to get other people to do things to make them happy and meanwhile nobody's happy what I'm hearing is it's not really working do you want to keep doing this job


forever I think the thought of her being self-sufficient makes me feel like maybe then I might be able to have my own life


finally maybe it actually isn't helping me to be focusing on her and maybe I need to focus on myself so yeah I mean I think it takes up a lot of my my time and it also is like really aggravating so I just end up being in this constant state of agitation that I don't want to be in anymore


yeah is there anything else that you want to talk about or anything you want to say to the girl just curious anything comes to


mind guess I'm realizing that I kind of been putting a lot of pressure on you to change and I'm realizing that that's what my parents did to me and it made me feel like I wasn't okay as I was and I guess I just want you to know that it's actually not how I feel I I feel that you are great and I just was trying to help you and to see that you're great because you are and it's kind of not easy for me to say this but I am sorry for bullying you and not hearing you when you told me that [Music] you just wanted to make your own way if you want to try doing certain things to make yourself feel better about yourself but you don't want to go like as dramatically as I've been encouraging you to do I want you to feel like you can do that because the more that you start to listen to your own impulses then you're going to build trust within yourself because when you listen to an impulse and you honor it and you acknowledge it it's going to feel really good so I just kind of maybe dare you to start doing that more that was great good job wow I told you you had a lot of wisdom to share you're amazing I did not know it how did that


feel um I feel like I was talking to myself kind of like what I would want to hear a nice so are you willing to take your own advice there oh wow um I don't think what I've been doing has been working for me and actually like the people of Costco are really nice and it's nice to see other people so I think if I you know there are things that I could do differently that I can feel good about I


think I just love Kevin the people of Costco actually are really nice like he's so cute and he's so sweet and he has such amazing wisdom to give Nicole it's just lovely did you notice that by the way during our conversation there were those changes in his tone of voice whenever I would ask like what does he like about the little girl or how does he want her to feel Kevin's really such a sweetheart and it's so nice to hear him and also did you notice that in the very beginning of our session Nicole said that this guy was not capable of apologizing and yet what did we just hear him do mhm so now that we've learned a lot about Kevin and we've heard his backstory and how he feels and he's had a chance to impart some of his wisdom to the little girl that is Nicole it's time to go back to talking to Nicole and uh hear how she feels and what she got from that [Music]


conversation [Laughter]


whoa so what about that whole conversation with Kevin stood up for you good I mean so many things I


um I just feel like I understand him so much more and was kind of full of a lot of hot air actually ah like it was just majorly bloated um like like inflated with a you know balloon pump


um there was a lot of pieces about his childhood and how he felt and resentments and um that I don't think I was really in touch with before yeah that felt like he was just angry at me you know just like so frustrated with me but then when I was listening it was like oh he's he's holding on to some really old stuff and there was like a distinct like these are all the things that he's angry about from his childhood and how he was raised and his parents that really don't have anything to do with me but he's projecting all the stuff onto me because he's in pain which I can relate to I I can we can totally relate to that and detaching from the needing of the parents approval and fitting into that mold um I mean which I still am very intimidating by that it feels like that that's really the only way forward to um fully embracing my own empowers and turning those exp Powers you know back into empowers it's like the only way is to embrace my truth just want to insert here that remember Nicole took my free change light system course she's referring to mowers and X Powers which are parts of the self that I talk about that I've discovered actually your X powers are basically a word that I use for inner struggles and there are three types and EMP Powers is the word I use for your inner strengths and that really this is all about transforming your X powers back to mowers so that you can fully and wholly follow your guiding star and live your truth so if you're interested in learning more about that go ahead and take my free course community. changel light. world anyway let's continue and hear what Kevin looks like [Music] now well so you mentioned that he's changed do you want to draw him again as he appears to


Sure hey got him oh what you got there he's a normalized person okay he normal he's whatever that means right right right and he's smiling with teeth [Music] oh okay he's got little rosy cheeks and funny little hairstyle like kind of like a little Dennis the Menace little sticking out little really Sprout of hair how old is he I think he's like 16 maybe and he's walking outside he's in motion he's got one hand waving and the other hand kind of in his pocket like I'm here I'm I'm friendly but also like I've the other part of me is focused on myself like I'm oh interesting and his ears are kind of abnormally large like he's definitely a listener you kind of Wonder like you know was he ever obese and really alone or did he just think that he was I just want to check on the in terms of the little girl that was in the original image I just want to make sure is that you is the little girl still around like what's going on um yeah I think that is me and I think that she also is not really a little girl that's how I felt that's how he felt about me that you know he's wanting to protect me like almost like an older brother but yeah it's like if if he kind of strand down and reduced to to to a normal size she also grew to a normal size she's not just crying all the time and she's not just sort of onedimensional like she's a woman with yeah all the feelings and who can take up space you know in the


world hearing that both Kevin and the little girl have sort of normalized in size that Kevin has grown smaller less bloated less filled with hot air and the little girl has now grown up this tells me that they're more balanced with one another and so then we're ready to go on to the next step in which Nicole gets to thank Kevin for what he's been trying to do so I guide Nicole through a short script that she says to Kevin and let's hear how he


responded how did he respond to that you smiley good so he appreciates being appreciated


yes now that Kevin had a great response to being thanked as we knew he would because he said he just wanted to be appreciated we can take him through the next step in which Nicole explains to him that it's okay he doesn't have to feel that way or behave that way or think that way anymore he can let it go let's hear how he responded to that


he's relieved I think he's ready to focus on himself and he he does want me to trust myself and he there's not really room for him in my relationship with myself okay if it's about me trusting myself then it's I need to be able to be relating and having conversations with myself not with him constantly I think he wants that for himself too like he wants to be rooting for me he wants to be a cheerleader but he's not on the team he's not on the court he's in the stands watching and he's a fan he's not calling out to me what how to hit the ball or he's just there when I whether I win or lose to encourage me and show support yay I love it me too there are so many things I love about what Nicole just said for one thing when she says if this is about me trusting myself then I need to not be relating to him but having conversations with myself 100% And remember at the very beginning she described how so much of her energy was taken up in this war with him but now she she can connect more completely with herself I also really love the way she described that you know she's playing tennis he's on the sidelines he's not telling her what to do he is not trying to control her so that means he's no longer a controller he's no longer that expower he can now be a supportive Empower supporting her while she's there playing playing the game of her life if you will this is one of the big reasons why I talk about how the drawing out process can transform inner critics into inner cheerleaders because that's exactly what just happened here but we aren't yet done with Kevin's transformation because I want to make sure that he is fully on board with supporting her in living her truth so I asked her a couple of key questions to help her articulate what her vision is for herself so that Kevin can figure out how he could possibly fit into


that I want to


feel yeah like intact complete um you know unattached independent


capable self-disciplined self self disciplined trusting my you know the guide inside of me that's like you you know you know through lots and lots and lots of experience that when you show up be present and don't have to be in charge that it just feels good to be in a group of people that's doing something healthy let's see if Kevin what he thinks in terms of how he can support you in feeling all the ways that you want to feel like what could he say what could he do that would be like oh yeah this would feel I'd really appreciate if someone would tell me this you have been telling me for a year that you want to go to this gym because you love exercising and look at you you're going you're choosing to be in community and so you're going to make friends and you're going to smile at people and that's going to feel good to you because you're an extrovert and you know it's it's not the end justifying the means here it's the means that's we're focusing on which is you showing up listening to an Impulse that you had to get involved in the gym community and go to group fitness because you love group fitness and you're doing it and that is awesome awesome how did Kevin react to hearing that like that that if he were to say that to you it's totally organic like he's like he's down with that yeah he's like this feels natural this feels like he's like I've heard these arguments a million times and I just wasn't listening before so now now that I've listened this makes total


okay that's awesome good so I'm gonna ask him real quick Kevin you feel like you can do this for Nicole I can do it for her I can do it for me it is the way to go yay woohooo awesome good she's got everything she needs I mean the girl is she's amazing she is amazing she knows she knows what's what now I'm getting out of her face you know just keep listening to yourself man like you you've got this you don't you don't need to listen to anybody else not your parents nobody you you just just you know your your inner truth is the truth so just keep keep listening and I will respect that I promise you I promise promise promise I respect that peace out peace out


okay yes yes yes this is what we want for all parts of us that rather than working against us living our truth they're working for us and I love what Kevin says here where he's like you know what this all just makes perfect sense she's been telling me this but I just wasn't listening before now he's listening to to her and he's there to support her in living her truth so now she can feel even more clear and whole and empowered ideally in her relationship with her parents but also in life over all that's what this is all about at this point I invite Nicole to do a final drawing that represents the relationship she now has with Kevin and here's what she Drew


what you got there we are hugging and I drew our hearts and there are some hearts coming up through the middle of our hug and just kind of like Energy's moving like there's swirling energy around the whole embrace it's just like there's energy moving and releasing and it's moving upward and out word and lifting us up oh


nice thank you so much it was really um profound you're amazing Kevin's right you are amazing beautiful woman as you are thank you so much and I love you as you are oh I love you as you


[Music] are


a few weeks after our session I caught up with Nicole to find out how she was feeling and what she'd noticed she said I really love love loved the session that we did it felt so good she said before the session that voice inside me was more two-dimensional it was so confused about whose voice it was and what it really wanted from and for me and why it was just so voluminous in my ears it was so intense but she said that since our session it feels exponentially less intense she also took the drawings from our session to her therapist so that they could talk about some of the things that we discussed and work through some of the issues that remain when it comes to her parents speaking of which she said you know I think the tie in with my mom is really hard for me to take on a conscious level she said I don't think I wanted to look at that stuff but I've really been thinking about how much I put in a drawer the hurt pain anger frustration fear shame guilt and resentment so that I can have somewhat of a functioning relationship with my mother but as she said it doesn't really work she said I've been unpacking that drawer in therapy as she said undoing its hinges and emptying it out because I want to look at that stuff and listen and see it and deal with it she said it's very frustrating because in her relationship with her parents it feels like she's the parent and they're the children and at any time she shows up as herself she feels like her mom's fangs and Nails pop out and that she's terrified of who Nicole is even though as Nicole said I am a beautiful wise patient gentle kind loving and spiritual woman so it's hurtful but she said I have to let them make their own decisions and be okay with however that shakes out for them but it's really really hard she said I want to realign them so they're on a better path because they hurt me so badly but it's not my job so at the end of our call Nicole asked me what I recommended for her going forward and I said I really think you should keep drawing out keep drawing out how you're feeling those parts of you that are struggling in this relationship with your parents that are blocking you from fully owning your truth in your interactions with them and that are reacting to their reactions towards you and that's when she made what I thought was kind of a cute observation the parallel between drawing out and the word drawer like that inner drawer inside of her that's has been carrying all of the resentment the pain the fear the frustration the anger the guilt Etc and so she made the joke oh draw out the drawer be a drawer empty the drawer so that's what she's been doing and it's a process if you have a problematic relationship with your parents I hope that you're really patient and gentle with yourself when it comes to that issue in your life when it comes to every issue in your life and know that your truth is guiding you it has the answers it has the wisdom and even parts of you in that drawer the parts of you carrying that pain or those defense mechanisms just as Kevin was those parts have wisdom for you too so as you pull them out of that drawer and you look at them and you draw them out and you hear them and you heal them listen for their wisdom because they can guide you towards the wholeness and peace and empowerment and self-love that you [Music] seek you can see the drawings from this session at dark light truth.com if you enjoy dark light truth please give us a review and share about us on social media we would love this support and it helps us have a bigger impact if you want to learn how to draw out your own inner struggles take our free 45-minute course at community. changel light. world if you're interested in private sessions of the drawing out process with me go to changel light. world/ coaching if you'd like to receive training in the drawing out process please contact me directly at Emily at changel light. World the drawing out process is not therapy and I am not not a licensed therapist I developed this work myself and I am its exclusive owner and guide whether you are a Seeker or practitioner please respect that this is my proprietary work and it must be properly LED in order for it to be fully effective do not try to do this process on your own [Music] thanks [Music] by the way just in case you're hearing a noise in the background that's the dog [Laughter] snoring just I'm just thinking I hope Nicole can't hear this because her Maya is a very loud [Laughter] breather

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