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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Hello, hello! And I am Emily Eldredge, with Inner Work for Greater Good. So nice to have you where we learn how to do inner work that accelerates your power to make a difference, to change the world, to feel better. So you can do better. That's what this is all about, because I know we all want to feel better. So that's what we focus on here, and then to be able to shine your light even brighter into the world so welcome the topic today is, what stories
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do you tell yourself so? What stories are we telling ourselves at any given moment? And this idea to talk about. This came to me because this past week I actually drove from my My parents live in Dallas, Texas. I live in New York City, but they also live part time in Vermont. And so they were driving up from Dallas to Vermont, and I happened to be in Dallas. So I said, you know. Why, don't I drag up with you? They got the dog in the car, and they fill it up, and all this kind of good stuff, and it's something we used to do as a kid, anyway, because when I was a kid my dad's from the boss
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: area, and so my mom's from dallas. So every summer we drive up and see my grandparents up in Boston. So these costs, These cross-country drives are kind of part of my family, you know I don't know more, and and habits and traditions, and what have you? So? It's kind of fun. But the point is that you know I have been working on a new podcast. I've mentioned this a couple of times, and I've been working on it for a few months. Now, side note on the one hand there's a part of me that was wanting to be done with it, you know, like launched already
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by now. But then the other part of me. That's more sort of calm and centered and ground. It says, No, no.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: you're gonna take your time with this, so you do it right. So my parents have been very generously listening to versions of the podcast that I've sent them. My mother. Listen to the first draft, and and gave me feedback, and then in this last one, my my both my mother and my father. Listen to the second graph draft, and gave me some feedback. Well, they offered, so it's my the format of my podcast
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: is a I draw my actual Drawing Out Process sessions with people, and so they are they. They've been listening to it but one of the things my my mother said, because you know what
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: you know. We've been listening to this edited version of the session, but i'd like to know what you're working with. What's the full? You know the full need of everything, you know. So she said. I'd love for us to listen to the full session that you're working with, and it's a 3 and a half hour session, and I told you that i'm like ma.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You know it's 3 and a half hours, right? She's like, yeah, but we definitely want to hear it said to my father, what do you think? Let's listen while we're driving up from, you know Dallas of Northeast, I mean, you know we're all kind of captive audience in the car right? So you got ours.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So the point is, my mother was the one who actually said, hey, I'd love to listen to the full session. Now she's a psychotherapist. So she think that a nerd out on this stuff like me. But my dad's not. He's very analytical, and all that. But he's, you know. In other words, this isn't necessarily his professional thing, but he was all like, yeah, sure, let's do it.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: The point is is that I guess the first in the letter half of the first day of our drive. They were like, okay. So let's listen to it.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So I started playing it for them, and they were listening. But my point is, this is only back up a little bit is that I noticed even when my mother broached the subject and made the offer. I noticed myself have this kind of
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: kind of anxiety, like really like, like like like almost like I. It would be an imposition for me to have them listen to it, even though my mother was the one who said, yeah, let's do this. And it was her idea I didn't ask them to.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And yet I had this anxiety, and I thought, oh, I don't want to bother them with it, and I thought I don't. You know they probably are just trying to be nice. You know I don't, you know they're not really, you know. And then I and I have this anxiety about whether or not they like it or not, which is understandable right? Because it's my work, and it's really meaningful to me. And so it's natural to have some anxiety about people hearing or or experiencing something that you put together that you're really passionate about. So that's normal right? That's natural.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But the point is, I sat there with this nervousness, this kind of anxiety, and this feeling like well, they're not really that interested, and you know some other, some other feelings that I had, and and thoughts that I had.
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And
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: I so I I I sat with it, and actually not actually verbalize that to them it's kind of funny. I'm having this weird feeling about you all listening to this as well. You don't really care about this.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and I and I said, I don't go. I don't know where this is coming from, because I know it's not you all because my parents I mean obviously Parents aren't perfect, but for the most part my parents have
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: really shown up for me, and they've been really supportive, you know. They've never like criticized. Necessarily. They're trying to tear down what I do. You know, they for the most part, as much as possible, especially my mother, really really showing up like over and over and over again.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So it was like, Why am I feeling this way with them. So I I said, i'm not really sure why, but i'm having this feeling so, I think I need to sit with it.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So I did. I sat with it a little bit, and I realized, and I told him this the next morning that I was carrying this belief
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: that no one cares about what I care about.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And then, if anybody were to even show interest in what I care about, they're just trying to be nice. They don't really mean it. It really i'm a nuisance to them. I'm a bottle to them. So that was one of the things nobody really cares about. What I care about. That was the belief that I had. That was the story I was telling myself. But
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: why am I telling myself this story? And that's where the sitting with it got into. Where is this coming from?
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And in my case it was coming from that, even though that they had never treated me that way.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: certainly not overtly. But there was somebody else that in my life, and in my childhood that did treat me that way. that tore down anything I really cared about, and said it was stupid, or, you know, cheesy or dumb, or annoying, and basically treated the things that I really loved and cared about as though they were problems, and they were pain in their ass, and you know, and I was so annoying for liking those things.
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and that there was somehow something wrong with me.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so the point is that that anxiety came up, and that story, those beliefs in that story that I was telling myself came up
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: in reaction to my presenting something I care about to my parents, but because but it actually is coming from somewhere else. But the point is that story was there that belief was there.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so that's why I wanted to bring this up is that you know we we have incidents in our lives where something gets triggered.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and those anxiety, that feeling that anger, that whatever the defensiveness you know, can get triggered and come up. And there are all kinds of reasons why. But one of the big reasons can be, what's the story we're telling ourselves that we're unconsciously telling ourselves a story.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and that's what's causing us to react that way in that situation. And it may or may not be valid. That story that we're telling ourselves.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You may have actually heard the term like. If you're sometimes they they do this in therapy, or, you know, in journaling, or or even in relation couples counseling. You know what's what story
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: that when we're talking, let's say we're talking to our partner right? And sometimes, and I've done this with with people and people, you know done this with me, where we actually verbalize to the other person with whom we're having a conflict, or we're feeling some kind of conflict.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: The story I'm telling myself about you or about the situation is still in the black.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So the story I'm telling myself is, and the reason why that's something I would write down if you've never heard that before, especially because that can help us identify what's the story we have in our heads. What's the belief we have in our heads or inside it may or may not be true. And the truth is.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: it may be true. It could be that whatever story you're telling yourself may actually be accurate in the moment. So this is not about undermining or trying to dismiss something that really is from your Truth. But it can also be a really good tool to help us recognize what are the unconscious
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: biases, the unconscious perceptions, the unconscious beliefs, the unconscious filters that we have in reaction or response to the situation, or the person in front of us.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so the story I was telling myself is they didn't really care because nobody really cares about what I care about, because that's how I felt as a little girl. That's how I felt as if you know, even into my team having this person, who was constantly telling me that what I care about was stupid and dumb.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and or unrealistic, or what have you? And at the time I didn't realize how much it impacts me. But then, when this, you know, situation came up and I was driving across country with my parents, and they wanted to listen to the session, and I that that got triggered because here were 2 people who were showing up for me and saying.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: We care about what you care about like we're showing you. We care. We're not faking this. And in fact, it was really fun to hear their reactions, their responses to the session because they were so like. This is amazing, Emily, this is fascinating. This is incredible, and like giving, you know, they were like, Gosh, don't! Cut this out. You need this and all that. So, in other words, they were very clearly in, you know, cared about what I care about, and they were clearly interested in what i'm interested in. So they were basically counteracting that belief that I had inside myself.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But meanwhile I still have that belief that no, they must not really care about it. They must not, You know. That was the story I was telling myself, and it was impacting my ability to receive their support, and even my perception of them, that No, they don't really need it, you know, because that story was trying to convince me. No, no, they don't really care
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: but what it didn't have to do with them. And it had to do with this. This other person who actually overtly would basically make me feel terrible, and try to make me feel bad for what I cared about, you see. So that's why it's important to be aware of. What are the stories that we're telling ourselves in any given moment.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: This to come up a number of times, too, in terms of Sometimes, if you interact with someone and all you're doing, let's say, is asking them a question, or just pointing something out. And you're not criticizing. Maybe you're just trying to be helpful, or what have you? Obviously, sometimes we can do that in ways they're not very effective or not very, you know, like that. We don't realize. Maybe we're coming across in a way that's not totally helpful, but a lot of the times. What if you are genuinely helpful, and your tone of voice is kind, and what but then the person reacts
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defensively.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Maybe they treat us, you know, with defensiveness or or anger, or what have you know? Maybe they have a reaction. In that case, if we generally are showing up like, without any animosity or any reason for them to feel defensive, then it could be They're telling themselves a story
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: about that moment of circumstance, or about us. Or maybe there was a time where we were really critical. And so they're telling themselves a story that whenever we open our mouth we're criticizing them, we see. So that's how these stories that we all tell ourselves.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Can we really impact how we show up for each other and with each other, and how we even proceed and receive what it is that other people might even be trying to help us or support us with.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: you know. Maybe we're dismissing their what they're saying, or maybe we're taking it to personally, whatever it is. It's just something to think about.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: you know, Byer and Katie, I just want to say I've talked about her before her work. The work is fantastic, and it addresses a lot of this as well. It's a you know it's called an inquiry. If you go to the work.com and she's got just simple set of questions, but I find that a lot of it. It really is about trying to kind of
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: break up some of those, you know, maybe hardened beliefs that we carry those thoughts that we carry that actually causes pain, or that causes to, you know, not show up as fully as we could, or, you know, want to. So I highly recommend. Her work really does help to undo a lot of that stuff that we carry.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So it's something to consider that write this down. If you haven't already. The story I'm telling myself is.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and I just want to point out that another reason why that's a very effective way to put it. I think the story I'm telling myself is that we kind of are acknowledging that it's a story. It may or may not be true. It's just a it's a story.
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And so it's important to recognize that
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: that we tell ourselves these stories and that we're reacting in a certain way based on that story and just allowing sort of space for ourselves. And maybe, if it involves another person to kind of consider Well, what what is that story about, you know? Is it true? Is it not true? Is there some Truth?
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Is there stuff that's not true? And to really look at those stories and the other person to do it as well, especially if you're doing it with someone else. The story i'm telling myself is so I can say, well, the story i'm telling myself in the situation is blah blah blah! And the other person could even say that to the story i'm telling myself is blah blah blah that my husband and I have been doing that in some of our relationship meetings we do Sunday relationship meetings.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: My husband and I have been doing some of that lately.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and and it's been fascinating to hear his beliefs about me, and certain moments, and about my behaviors or my reactions, or whatever it's been fascinating because i'm like.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Whoa! Really like Really, that's really like that's really your belief that you have in that moment about me, or that's really the story you're telling yourself, and you know we sit with it and work through it, and sometimes i'll be like, oh, okay, I can kind of see like, Why, yes, I can see what that story would be in relation to me.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But sometimes i'm like honestly speedy. I promise you that is not what's happening like on my end. That's your perception. And so in that case it's time to look at. Where is that coming from?
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And i'll do the same thing, too. I will tell myself the story about his behavior, and then I verbalize it. He'll be like No. Here's actually what i'm trying to say, or what's trying to. You know what i'm trying to have happen. Here's the request I'm making, or what have you? And so that it makes me put it on me. That. Okay? Well how much of the story is true when you know what? Where is this coming from? If it's really not coming from
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: him, or the moment, Where is it coming from? And maybe it's coming from something from my childhood, or even from my adulthood. And so that's where we can start to in our inside ourselves, but also with each other, start to kind of
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: helps those stories disintegrate, so that, rather than interacting with one another through this, these lenses and filters and walls of stories, in which case we're not actually interacting with each other. We're dealing with, interacting with each other's stories and our pain.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: This can help clear the clouds for that, so that really we can show up more fully and more presently in our lives without all of those clouds of stories that we carry, and also with each other, so that we can truly connect in a real way, not through pain or or not blocked by pain.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and certainly not through the false, maybe false stories that we're telling ourselves and each other all right. So I hope this has been helpful, as always. I'm Emily Alger with ChangeLight that. Go ahead to ChangeLight the world where you can learn how to do my amazing Drawing Out Process, which I will be featured in my podcast. Once it's launched when it's launched, not for when but I look forward to seeing you in the take the free course, and it's in the community, and we have lots of good stuff there, so I hope to see you there ChangeLight dot World.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: All right, thank you. Take care, and I hope you have a wonderful week.
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