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  • Writer's pictureEmily Eldredge

📺 IWFGG | Who Are You Trying to Please?





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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Hello, Hello! And welcome to another episode of Inner Work for Greater Good. My name is Emily Eldredge. As always I am with ChangeLight dot world. And I'm here to teach you methods and understanding, and ask questions and all kinds of good stuff that have to do with inner work that accelerates your power to be the best version of yourself, and make the biggest difference you can possibly make, whatever that means for you. Whatever light you want to shine. Whatever impact you want to have, I am here to support you in that.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Oh, my, gosh, my phone's making those. Let's stop this


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So today's topic is.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: what are you trying to please? when I work with clients, we're always talking about? What are the inner parts that form in response to You know, childhood experiences? you know, that are causing insecurities, causing their struggles, etc., etc., and A topic of conversation recently came out. We were talking about


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: that, we, we, we as we grow up, we end up in environments, whether it's our parents or teachers, or you know they, they, they that basically lead to us.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: living our lives trying to please someone else, that we unconsciously end up


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: wanting to please or get approval from, or not disappoint, or in press or get to them to like us. There's someone outside of us, or maybe more than one person that we can sometimes unconsciously and


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: trying to get their approval or their attention, or their, you know, praise, or whatever it is. So the question is, who are you trying to please? Are you on some unconscious level, trying to please someone from your past or in your present?


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And how is that impacting your choices, and how you show up in the world a lot of times. So for example, when you want to please apparent, usually, it's because maybe we didn't get the attention. We didn't get the love. We didn't get the the focused you know, affection. We didn't get the


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: We didn't get the positive strokes. We didn't get the quality time with that parent. And so sometimes we can unconsciously be trying to please that parent. Even after that parent has died, there can be parts of us that are still trying to achieve that


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: or even Maybe maybe we had a parent who was abusive, who was straight up, critical


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and terrifying and terrorizing and disapproving in some way or another. And so we unconsciously end up living our lives trying to avoid that person's criticism avoid their disapproval, trying to be this perfect child, or this perfect expression, or something, in order to receive what you actually rather protect ourselves


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: from. They are just their their their disapprobation from their criticism, from their attacks. another can be siblings, you know. Maybe we had a similar. We really looked up to, or a similar. It was not very nice to us, and so we end up making choices and operating unconsciously in.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Yeah, to try to. As I said, you know, either get their approval or get their attention, or get some positive from them, or to avoid their attacks or their criticism or disappointment. another one can be teachers, you know, if you had a teacher who you really looked up to, you know, maybe you really admired them. You just really want them to think that you're really great and awesome


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: or mentor. Sometimes, as adults, we can have mentors that we really want to, you know, get their approval, and we really want them to see us as good enough. If so, it's important. When we're talking about, you know, work we're talking about? what is it that's controlling us, you know, internally or even externally, it's controlling our lives, controlling our choices, controlling our emotions.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: What is it that we're allowing to control these aspects of our lives unconsciously. And one of them is, I'm explaining here is that we might be unconsciously living our lives


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: for someone else. or in reaction to someone else.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: well, basically that it's like our sense of self or our decisions, or our sense of well being about ourselves is framed in terms of that person that we're trying to approve. we're trying to get their approval or trying to avoid their disappointment.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So I really just mainly want to bring this up as a consideration in your life. Whose approval are you trying to achieve this? I I sort of came up actually in a group, and which someone just at the very end of our conversation, kind of through that out there, as a question like, who are you trying to get? And the answers were sort of different as well. My father, my sister.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: my aunt, my grandmother, my you know, grandfather my friends, my, and realizing how much and these are really high achieving people in this group I was talking to, and there it, how much of


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: their choices in life, and even their like drive to succeed, or even their fears of failure or their, you know, inner critics, and those you know, those parts that actually pull them back. How much of those were unconsciously controlled by some external person?


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So I want you to think about that. And once you consider, and one of the ways to consider it is to.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: If you're thinking about, let's say you're gonna make a choice in your life, whether it's in your career or in your, you know marriage or in your Friendship Group or in your, you know, travel activities. It could be anything.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Notice unconsciously


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: all year, whether whether like overtly or or internally, or you checking with


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: internally, or you know, or actually asking that person


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: for their approval. Or they're okay.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: or you're asking yourself what they would think about this choice that you're making and how they might react.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and known as how much that person.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: whether overtly or internally, how much that person is actually controlling, how you show up, what choice you make, what path you take, what you choose to do with your life.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and whether it's a fear of their disapproval.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: or if it's seeking their approval and seeking to please them and make them happy, or maybe you're hoping to. Not so much. It could be that you're not trying to make them happy to try to avoid their disapproval. It could be that you're just trying to make that person happy. You desperately want that person to be happy. And so you're making choices, hoping that it will make them happier and make them light up or feel better about themselves, in addition to maybe feeling better about you.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So notice that that's one way to do it. That kind of lit this test for yourself when you're faced with a good decision or your face with a big change, or you're faced with, you know whether there's something that really you feel called to do with yourself that feels good. It feels right for you or your.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But notice, what are those little things in the background that might be pulling you in certain ways, or influencing your decision making. What would this person think of that? How would they react to that?


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: What am I afraid? What happened if I did this, how? What am I afraid would be their reaction, or what am I afraid would be the the outcome of the results when when it comes to that person. If I make that choice. If I make that change, consider that, and notice how much these other people, person or people, are impacting you and your life, your Sovereignty.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and you're connecting with your own Truth. So even cutting that person out of your thinking. And what is your Truth to? And that's where it's really important if we do our in our work for greater code, to be aware of these unconscious, subtle influences that maybe that person put that on us, or maybe they haven't. Maybe we just put it on ourselves. But to be aware of how that can be impacting your


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: willingness and ability to tune into your own Truth and what feels right for you. So it's something to consider. How much of your life


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: are you living for them for other people, or for maybe just one other person versus how much of your life are you living for yourself.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and whose approval and whose praise and whose pleasure


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: do you? Who should you be?


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And I would argue, and I'm sure you can guess this. It should be your own.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: It should be your own approval, your own pleasure, your own


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: feeling good about yourself, and being proud of yourself, and proud of whatever choices you're making, or who you've become.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: so for me. That's what I think of in terms of who do I really want to please here? Well, I want to please myself. I want to feel good about myself. I wouldn't feel like I have done the best I could that I have acted in the highest rate possible for me.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: that I know I'm capable of, or that feels right for me, not for anyone else. Other people might not understand. They might disagree, they might criticize whatever they might make up their own stories. But what matters is that I feel good about me, because guess what I'm the only one that I really have to live with.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So I've got to feel good inside of meeting. If I don't feel good with who I am, what I do


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: then I'm not gonna feel good, no matter what, so I always think of it in terms of that. But I want to add one more thing. This might sound kind of funny.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and it's it's partly what what you know made me think of you doing this as a topic


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: I don't know. I've mentioned this before, but outside My bathroom door on the wall. I know it's just kind of funny. It's just in the hallway in our apartment here in New York there is a giant giant and I would honestly, I'm carrying my computer over there, and so to, if I could. But there is a giant


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: pencil drawn of me


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: when I was 5 years old 4 or 5 years old


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: now. The reason why it exists actually is because my grandfather, I think the story goes about grandparents years and years ago, when my sister and my brother and Zoom, my cousins and I were really really little, and they discovered, I guess, this artist and he did


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: so. Of course my mother My grandparents said, Okay, well, we want you to draw our grandchildren. And so they did this joint, and when I say Giant, I mean, we're talking like, how big is this? This is like 5 feet. Why, like 3 feet tall, like big pencil drawings up close and actually right now, I'm kind of doing the face where I'm like smiling. And this is sort of the angle of me. Is this little girl in this kind of like


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: like lit up and smiling and sort of to the side.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: The point is that's sitting outside my my bathroom door. Now, I didn't do it deliberately outside my back and door. It just happened to fit right there, and frankly, it also gets over the fuse box. It's kind of really good for that.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But my point is that every time I sit down and go to the bathroom I know I know it sounds terrible, but I'm just telling you the Truth, but every time I sit down


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: I can see that little girl.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and I can see how joyful she is, and I can see how peaceful she is, and I can see how it's super it she is, and creative and free and


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: limitless this little 5 year old is.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and when I think of who I want to make proud.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: it's her


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: now. So


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: let me just put it this way


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: for this. This works for me, because I think, in terms of that little girl and her dreams, and her hopes for her future and my future.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and I think, in terms of wanting to make her proud because I want her to be proud of who she's become a.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: I want her to be able to honor and appreciate the person that she's become. And so in some ways I think about it. It's not so much like I'm living my life for her, but I check in, and I think. Would she be proud of this? Would she be proud of me if I were to do something?


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so that's one way to look at it, interestingly enough, is when we think about who we make proud, and who will be really good to please and make feel good if we go, it's ourselves. But then, also thinking in terms of, well, think about that little girl, that little boy you know that child inside of you.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And how would they figure about who you are, who you become. The reason why I called they hesitate a little bit about this is because sometimes you can have an inner child that is actually very disappointed, and it's disappointed with love and all of that. And I've healed a lot of this in her children. So I understand that sometimes, you know, you can have it in your child. It doesn't always fit with this model of what I'm talking about.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: but I think, instead, though, rather than like the children inside of you that might be disappointed. There are children inside who are very proud of you, and are very


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: pleased with who you who you become and are accepting and forgiving of the mistakes that you've made. And so that's just something else to consider. If that works for you. Great. If not, it doesn't. That's fine. But I just want you to, you know. You might even think in terms of who you want to make out, and it could be your little child. It could also be your inner Sovereign when it's all your inner Sovereign. Who's that wise guy inside of you who's guiding. It'd be


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: you know, at all 3 of your emPowers, and really bringing them in and listening to them and hearing their support for you, and letting them express their gratitude and in approval and pride about who you are and what you're doing, and let them guide you to make those choices that please you that feel good and right for you, because I guarantee you trying to please anyone else


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: is a recipe for


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: disappointment and unhappiness, because we can never control, how other people respond to this, how they feel about us.


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But we can control how we feel about ourselves, and what we think of ourselves and the choices we make for ourselves that are in alignment with our Truth. And I always say, your Truth is, that's your job is to live your own Truth, not someone else's. So I hope this has been helpful


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: to start to unpack some of how we might be living unconsciously within your life for someone else, or for other people, and how you can start to let that go and really tune in and focus it more on yourself. And


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: what parts of you that you really you know that you're here to make proud, and and to live the church that you're here to live all right. I hope this has been helpful. I'm Emily. Please do check out, ChangeLight dot world and our community and our free course, where you can learn how to draw out those parts that are getting in the way


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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: you, fully owning and living for true. That may be causing you to feel insecure and feel like you've got to get someone else's attention or approval or pleasure in order for you to feel. Okay, you can draw those out. Take the course all right. ChangeLight dot world. Take care, and I will see you next week.


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