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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Hello! Hello! And welcome to Inner Work for Greater Good. My name is Emily Eldredge. I am coming at you today with wet
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: hair. I don't know if you've noticed, but I've actually done previous episodes with my hair like pulled back in the button, you know, like this, it pull, really, you know, tightly back, and it's usually because my hair is wet. So I know, like it's sorry. Sometimes I take a shower right before the show. So this time, I decided. You know I'm not going to hide it. I got one here, hey? All so, anyway, welcome to my show where we talk about inner work that accelerates your power to make a difference. You.
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you know, whether you got clean hair or not, which I frequently don't, because I work from home. So I can be slippy a lot of the time. Today's topic is actually a refrain that I had a lot I would say last year about a year ago today, and that was with a certain person in my life. And that was, why don't you just ask.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: why don't you just ask, why don't you just ask them just to ask them? I'm laughing now, thank God, this person is in a different place now. Things have changed quite a bit. But the point is is that this, I was saying this to someone who I'm close to in my life, who is in a new situation.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And he there were a lot of questions that weren't answered in that situation.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: He wanted answers. He needed things, you know, he needed resources, etc., and you know from his superiors, from his bosses, whatever from the people around him. And I said, Well, why don't you just ask them?
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Well, what we'll just ask. I'll just ask that question. You know you need that information just to ask for it. And he'd be like, No, and he got progressively, progressively, more and more miserable in this situation, and I'd be like, just ask them they might be able to give you what you need. But instead, he would moan about the fact that he would have to ask for he'd not about the fact that they didn't just give it to him, or they didn't answer that question without.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: you know, like prompting or providing with with what you need it. And so it was just. I'm laughing now, but it's actually really frustrating at the time, because I was like.
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it's not a big deal.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: but of course, like with everything, especially when we're like thinking about people in our lives. So I'm sure people can see us sometimes like this, too, is it looks like such a simple situation. Why don't you? Just why don't you just well, why don't you? Just you know you might need that, you know it's still in the blank. Well, why don't you just do X, y. Or Z.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And then the person doesn't do it, or we don't do it. And it's like, Well, why not? If it's so simple and so easy, why don't we just do it? And there can be many reasons for that. As always, we're talking about in your work. We're talking about inner stuff
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: that causes us to do or not do things, or to do them a certain way or not, a certain way. And so the point is, this is a situation where, you know I was like. Come on, why don't you just ask And in his case I think that
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: he was just like stuck in. Well, I'm not going to get into that. I'll tell you what happens later.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But let's get into. Why don't you just ask? And as I'm sharing these thoughts, I want you to consider your own life, in which you might be in certain situations where you know it could be something really simple, a question answered, or maybe you want to make a request of someone for something, or maybe you know, you want a discount, or maybe it's something bigger, like, you know, asking what someone to marry you or you know, or even you know.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: wanting a new whole place to live. I mean there. There's so many questions in our lives, right? And there's so many needs and requests that we have in desires that we have. And so, as you're, you know, hearing this. Just let you know. Just think about like situations where you might be. I'm changing this color here to get situations where you might not be asking for whatever it is you need, and consider some of the underlying reasons why.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Let's let's just say it. It comes down to one word usually here. Okay, so why don't you just ask. what are you afraid of
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: now? Some people would say, well, the worst they could say is, no right. You've heard this before. Well, no
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: can be a really big word.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: No, it can be. It's just 2 letters, and it can be a very, very big word, because with the word no often implies disappointment. It often implies an emotional like
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: outcome, or for, or charge or results from hearing that word. No. And so a lot of times. People don't ask when we don't ask, because we're afraid we're going to be told. No. And while it may seem simple to go well, what's the worst they can say, what's the what they can do? Is it? Just say, No, yeah, but that no can be really
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: painful or hurtful or disappointing. You know, you could really have a lot of hinged on that question, and if someone says, No, that could be huge, this is more than just like, you know. Is it okay? If I borrow your parking spot in the city for a while, I mean whatever like it. But no is a big one, and no
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: brings with it all kinds of emotional baggage oftentimes.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so that know that we hear from other people that we're afraid of hearing. If we ask for what we need, or we ask for something can be one of the big reasons why we don't ask. In the first place, because we don't want to be denied, because we don't, you know, even if the person says it kindly, there's still that implicit like that let down.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: you know that sadness. And so there's the fear, disappointment, fear, disappointment is one of the biggest fears. I think, that any of us has and one of the biggest fears in the world believe it or not, even though you think like fear of death. Well, yeah, okay, if your disappointment is a really really big one that underlies a lot of why people don't ask for what they need or do, what they feel called to do or what they want to do.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So the fear, disappointment, and being told no. or getting the answer that you really don't want, whether it's no or something to see equivalent
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: fear of second one would be. These are probably the 2 biggest ones, or many other, you know reasons why we'd be afraid of asking, but fear of
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: anger.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: shame, judgment, so fear of the other person's emotional reaction to us in response to our asking for something or saying we need something. We're afraid of them judging us. We're afraid of them getting angry at us for even asking. We're afraid of being shamed for wanting that thing
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: so, or it could be any. I mean, we're we're some other emotions. I don't know th that that people can have a reaction to us, asking for something or asking what? For what we need, or even wanting that thing
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: so a lot of times what we're trying to do when we're when we don't ask what we're afraid of asking, why don't you just ask, why don't you just ask for? You know. Just just talk to that person. Well, maybe we're afraid of their reaction to us. We're afraid of their emotional response to whatever it is that you know our question results in.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so that can be, we're afraid of their emotions, which also means that we're afraid of our own emotions. We're afraid of someone else's emotional reaction to us. We're also afraid of how that will make us feel, because someone could just as easily say, Well, what's the worst? They can happen? They get mad at you again. They might get mad at you, but that can trigger all kinds of awful things. You know. There are reasons why we might be scared of someone being bad at us because of all kinds of things that that triggers
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and that gets into. Where did these fears come from now? Those were just 2 fears, but I think those are the biggest ones for your disappointment, fear of anger, shaming judgment, whatever that might come at us or other people. thinking thinking negatively towards us.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: so where do these spheres come from? I would say. mostly childhood
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: in childhood, I mean, it's just the nature of childhood. We are reliant on other people for our needs to be met. We're reliant on adults or parents to feed us. We're reliant on, you know, teachers to teach us. We're rely on other people to transport us places.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Childhood is a lot about having to trust the people around you, and even when you don't trust them, and even when you don't feel safe with them, you still have to somehow adapt, because as a 5 year old, you might be an abusive situation. But what are you gonna do and live on the street? And of course. Yeah, I mean, some 5 year olds have ended up living on the street. But you know, child, makes that unconscious calculation that it's like, well, what do I need to do to survive?
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so, as children, we are hyper, rely on other people. Now, sometimes we can grow up an environment where our needs were met, and when our requests were responded to politely.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: you know, or where we ask for something, and it was given to us, or you know, it was explained why that wasn't appropriate, appropriate for us to have it, and maybe we didn't like that. But we weren't shamed or raged out, or hit, or anything in response to our meeting something or wanting something or asking for something. But then, at the other extreme, we can also grow up in environments where
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: our needs and our wants and our asks our requests are met with attack.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: shaming, rage, judgment, physical assault. ignoring, so they can also be met with neglect
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and not having our needs needs, our needs met, our needs met. And sometimes this can happen explicitly where it's like you asked for something as a child, and you were told straight up, you know. No, or like no. What's wrong with you for thinking that, or even wanting that. No, that's stupid, or whatever, and so we can learn that. Oh, no! My needing something or asking for something is going to get a bad reaction. So you know what I'm just going to protect myself by not asking.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And what happens, though, is we end up with these triggers and these rooms inside of us, and protective mechanisms that I'm always talking about those exPowers, as I call them, that form to protect us from getting hurt like that again. So sometimes we can grow up an environment where that's the reaction. And it's an explicit reaction to our asking for something. Another thing, though, can be more implicit or more sort of subconscious that we take on, and that is, there's no point in asking anyone for what I need, because I'm not going to get it.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: maybe because we saw that the people around us were so preoccupied by their own dramas or their issues, with their own needs or their fears or their own. Whatever addictions that we just learned. You know what this person, whether it's an a parent with some kind of adult things, in a position to give us what we needed and take care of us. We might have taken on an unconscious belief.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: That, said Nope, you know, doesn't matter. There's no point in my asking. It's not going to work. They can't give that to me. They're not capable in this moment of doing it, or they're not interested, or they're just going to ignore me, or what have you?
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so the point is that as children in that time of our lives we are most dependent on others, and we have needs, and we have desires, and we have request, and we'll reliant on other people for those to be met.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: That's when those messages, those very deep seated messages form about whether or not we're gonna get what we need when we ask for it or get what we want when we ask for it. And also those deep-seated beliefs of how are people going to react to us? And do I even deserve? Am I even worthy
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: of this thing that I'm wanting? Or am I stuck with the way things are? And there's just no point in even trying
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and even asking. It's just that like the question doesn't even happen, because it's like whatever this is just the way it is, and it almost doesn't even occur to you. Well, wait a minute. I I could actually ask for something. I could actually get different results. I you know, there might be actually somebody who could help me with this right? Sometimes it doesn't even occur to us, especially if we've grown up in environments of neglect or abandonment. where basically it was, we were just our our own needs were dismissed or I.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so the messages that we see we received consciously and unconsciously, or that we, or the belief that we formed in response to our environment as children. That is a big part, that that that is a huge thing that determines whether we ask for things, how we ask for things. That's a good point to actually how we ask for things. You know, there's some people who learned that. The only way I'm going to get what I want is, if I throw up a temper tanks.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and so they may. That maybe what you end up doing is you'd realize you start to have this temper tantrum reaction inside. Well, maybe because that's how you got re responses from the adults around you. Maybe that was your perfect one of your coping mechanisms for getting your needs back.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: you know, whereas others maybe they go into a and then somebody else was. Oh, honey! Oh, what do you need were? And then they get their needs back, I mean. So we also have the how. How did we go about getting our needs now? if we found ways of doing that again. This children will really like this. We're really, really, really at learning tactics for trying to get our means that
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: so those are some of the things that determine. You know whether you know your sort of response to the what are you just asked, what did you just ask for? And the emotional reactions that you might have to that, or even to the thought of asking for something. Let me just make another big point asking for something, or how they need
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: there is, that is it. Should they ask for asking for something and wanting a meeting to rely on someone else for information, or whatever it is. That's a very vulnerable position
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: that can often trigger these feelings of vulnerability.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: because it means that you're not just an island unto yourself, completely self-reliant. Now I know that also self reliance is something that we can end up forming in childhood. It can be like a hyper independence. And that hyper independence, while it's like, well, I can rely on myself, and I'm strong, and I I meet my own needs, but that can also come out of trauma to of not having your needs and and realizing no one is there for you.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So when you're in a position, then, especially for someone who's psych, or independent or hyper self-reliance. Notice how you react and how you feel when you need something from someone else. When you feel like you need to ask for something, not getting your needs net, and that fear comes up and those triggers come up. You know those defenses or those walls, or there's, you know, just those emotional reactions. Those parts come up. Notice what comes up, how? How you may have reactions to that, even asking for something.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: because it is a very vulnerable thing. It means basically saying, I need something for you, and I cannot control whether or not you give it to me. I cannot. You know it. It's it's meaning that somebody else, you know, has some, you know, could have some impact on you.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so that can be a very vulnerable position to be in. So that's something else that's implicit in asking for something.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: asking, especially asking other people for what we need.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So those are some consideration. So I want to go back to the man I was talking about the beginning. Remember, he's the one who I even came up with. What if you just asked, why don't you just ask him? I kept saying that. Why don't you just ask? Why don't you just ask, you know?
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And finally, and I don't even know what it was that prompted this. But fund he started asking. He actually started asking his bosses. He started asking for what he needed, and asking questions and trying to get answers, and I don't remember like what changed it. Maybe you know, we've done some emotional work together, or you know, I don't remember what it was.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But the point is, I'll never forget. He came one day he came home
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: one day and he said,
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: wow!
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: I asked my supervisor a question.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and he answered. and it was great. and then another that he was like
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: I asked. I asked for this thing that in my old office we never would have gotten. But I asked in this office and guess what I can immediately respond to say, oh, we're doing this, and we're doing that. And yeah, this is coming down the pike, or whatever. And he was just like, well, it was like a revelation. It was like a revelation to him that asking for something, could actually get his needs met, that he could actually get a positive response and a supportive response and a response at all
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: to him, asking for something that he needed. and it was like everything just opened up. everything just opened up, and all of a sudden he was happy.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And I think it's because in his case, in his childhood he grew up in it. In situations where he was stuck. there was no point in making any requests for anything, because the adults around and were too self absorbed in their own dramas and their own issues, plus, they were abusive to him. And also he was stuck in situations that he couldn't control. I mean just the reality of where he was living and who he was living with. He was a kid. He couldn't do anything about that.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And and the adults in this life were the ones who control that. And so I think on some. What this did was when somebody in this new situation, and he was having to ask for things or wanted things to be better. It kind of looked you back into that childhood place of like just being miserable, and not realizing he had any kind of agency or power to change it. So that was the difference
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: is that he realized something that he actually got the power to change it. Now, on the outside, I'm looking at what we have the power to change this. This is not a big deal. It's huge, huge, huge, huge, because that was the nature of his child is couldn't change it, and it didn't. He couldn't. There was no point in asking for what he did, because people were not going to respond to it, or they were going to respond negatively and tell him that he was being spoiled, Brad, or that he was wanting too much, or whatever the response might have been, you see.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But when he realized he did some. I think he did some emotional work on himself. Actually, I don't know what happened, but the point is, when you realize, like, wait a minute. I actually have some agency or wait a minute. I just asked, and they could say No, but you know what, all right.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And when he actually started asking.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Then things started to change. So I just thought you'd have a fun. You know, the main sort of fun way to wrap up this episode and let you know about the power of asking. And but but but in order to get to that point, we got a first
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: ask yourself, why don't you just ask
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: right? Why don't you just ask?
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And if you notice some stuff pop up, dig into those, do the drawing up process like I like. I share with you in my community. ChangeLight dot world free community free intro course. And dramas, for example, might be getting in the way of you getting what you need because you're not gonna get it unless you ask for it. We don't get things unless we ask for them whether it's explicitly or to the universe
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: or otherwise. All right. I hope this has been helpful, as always. I'm Emily, with ChangeLight dot world, and I really hope you'll join our free community and take the free course. It's all really great, and I've got some fun stuff coming up that I'll be launching very, very soon. In the next couple of weeks.
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Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: All right, I'll see you later.
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