top of page
  • Writer's pictureEmily Eldredge

📺 IWFGG | What's on You, and What's on Them?





 

TRANSCRIPT

WEBVTT

1

00:00:01.199 --> 00:00:08.880

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Hello Hello wherever you are in the world, my name is Emily with ChangeLight i'm the creator of the ChangeLight System.

2

00:00:09.300 --> 00:00:17.970

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and change the world and welcome to Inner Work for Greater Good, where we focus on the inner work that is required.

3

00:00:18.420 --> 00:00:31.680

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: To fully show up in your brightest most incredible self and by doing so, you change the world just by your mere presence, you can change the world but also if you have a mission that you know that you're.

4

00:00:32.010 --> 00:00:41.010

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: here to fulfill, this is what we talked about what's the inner work that we need to do in order to maximize our ability to make that difference in the world that we know that we're here to make.

5

00:00:41.250 --> 00:00:50.550

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: As I always say so many of us changemaker so many of us impacted mission driven people are held back consciously and unconsciously by those inner insecurities.

6

00:00:50.820 --> 00:00:56.400

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: by those things that you learn in that darkness inside that darkness inside wherever you want to.

7

00:00:56.790 --> 00:01:03.990

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You know, wherever you feel it, but the carry those parts that really do get in the way, whether we're where we are aware of it or not.

8

00:01:04.230 --> 00:01:10.050

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: That really do get in the way with us of us making a true difference and really shining the brightest light.

9

00:01:10.380 --> 00:01:14.370

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: As you may know, if you've seen previous episodes or if you haven't go watch them.

10

00:01:14.700 --> 00:01:25.260

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But you know so much of our light of our actual inner light, we talk about the thing that that enables us to just radiate I mean you've seen those people who blow.

11

00:01:25.500 --> 00:01:34.380

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You probably felt like you glow at times in your life well that inner light so much of that is stuck in our inner darkness and then we bring that darkness.

12

00:01:34.740 --> 00:01:44.160

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Bring that darkness back to light, discover its Truth, and discover the power that unfolds, for us, and then really learn this is what I teach in my work online community.

13

00:01:44.430 --> 00:01:56.520

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: about how to draw those draw out that darkness bring it back to life and then honor that life in such a way that it fully supports you and being the fullest most optimal brightest most radio beautiful South because you are.

14

00:01:56.820 --> 00:02:05.580

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You are bright and beautiful and radiant and fabulous, and so my job, and my passion my love is to truly discovered like this with you.

15

00:02:05.880 --> 00:02:14.280

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Whether you even realize it or not, I actually have to say I was working with a client yesterday was so darling because we were just doing an hour long follow up call.

16

00:02:15.090 --> 00:02:23.130

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And this this thing sort of showed up from her subconscious and she's like i'm not really sure where this is going and then ultimately where it went was.

17

00:02:23.640 --> 00:02:31.050

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Really, for her to discover, like, I guess, I guess, I do have a lot of joy inside me, I guess, I do have a lot of playfulness inside of me.

18

00:02:31.350 --> 00:02:37.440

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And he's like yes, yes, we do that that's where this lead and so it's just whatever it is.

19

00:02:37.740 --> 00:02:46.170

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: We are all divinely designed to live our Truth and to be your fullest presence and so that's all in there, so this wonderful wonderful discovery.

20

00:02:46.560 --> 00:02:52.230

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Of all of the greatness inside of you, so I just love being a part of your journey and i'm so glad you're here.

21

00:02:52.560 --> 00:03:06.510

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: To to listen and to learn, and if you want to ask any questions feel free to send me an email Emily at ChangeLight.world Okay, so that was kind of a long intro but today's topic has to do, mostly with.

22

00:03:07.590 --> 00:03:18.000

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Basically, some of the challenges that we face in relationships and we all have and I don't mean just I don't mean just romantic I mean any kind of interactions with other human beings.

23

00:03:18.330 --> 00:03:24.840

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: oftentimes when we're interacting with other human beings, what can happen is we're not really fully.

24

00:03:25.260 --> 00:03:38.190

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: interacting with their true selves we might actually be interacting with their subconscious bias sees their subconscious wounds their pain body is approximately let's call it inner triggers.

25

00:03:38.730 --> 00:03:42.420

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: blocks and so as much as we want to really be.

26

00:03:42.990 --> 00:03:54.330

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Personal but I really in my desire is that we do this, is that when we interact with each other we're interacting with one another's true selves not the masks not the blocks, not the the Armor.

27

00:03:54.630 --> 00:04:01.590

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But sometimes what happens, though, is that we do end up interacting with those parts that aren't true reflection of who they are.

28

00:04:01.980 --> 00:04:12.540

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so what can happen is and then that can trigger stuff within us or maybe we come into the interaction with you know from our place of our masks or rooms, or you know.

29

00:04:13.260 --> 00:04:21.960

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You know, or with blind spots are our biases, and so what ends up happening is it's like you have you know this person's stuff showing up with this person stuff.

30

00:04:22.560 --> 00:04:26.730

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: or this person was showing up with their their stuff and then we react to their stuff.

31

00:04:27.210 --> 00:04:37.500

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so the point is that in human interactions when let's say someone gets upset someone has an extreme reaction, or you know we're sort of like what is going on here.

32

00:04:38.220 --> 00:04:53.010

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Is that it's important you ask ourselves what's ours and what's theirs, and the reason why I bring this up as a topic is because I love my clients and I have another client and there were.

33

00:04:53.700 --> 00:04:59.340

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You know this came up came up when I thought you know, this would be a good thing to talk about in a in an episode.

34

00:05:00.030 --> 00:05:07.650

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: because she has been learning without revealing her story because that's confidential she's really been learning to start to recognize.

35

00:05:07.920 --> 00:05:20.940

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: When she's taking more responsibility for other people's emotions or their responsibilities with their reactions when she is unconsciously taking responsibility for their stuff.

36

00:05:21.270 --> 00:05:31.350

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And really it's not her job and it's not her responsibility and then also a lot of her reasons why she does do that comes from childhood.

37

00:05:31.650 --> 00:05:35.370

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Usually that's most of the time where it comes from.

38

00:05:35.640 --> 00:05:44.850

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: It can also come from if we've been in a relationship with someone who's very toxic, but it was very manipulative so that we didn't realize how toxic, it was so, for example, someone who's highly.

39

00:05:45.060 --> 00:05:50.610

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: may have narcissistic personality disorder and the matter how much we showed up with our own health.

40

00:05:51.180 --> 00:06:00.450

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And our own you know healthy boundaries or what have you that, instead, you know, there are sometimes really toxic people who end up violating those boundaries and do the proper weights.

41

00:06:00.780 --> 00:06:08.370

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and make us feel like we're, the ones who are crazy because we're not getting the sort of response you know healthy response that we normally would.

42

00:06:08.700 --> 00:06:20.640

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: To our behaviors anyway that's a whole other big talk topic, but my point is that she's worth it's so cute because she started just saying this in our sessions and.

43

00:06:21.150 --> 00:06:25.470

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And I thought you know what that's kind of your mantra isn't it wow like that's your your reframe.

44

00:06:26.070 --> 00:06:30.870

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And the same statement that she kept saying, and it came out of her realization.

45

00:06:31.290 --> 00:06:43.320

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: of her own boundaries and her own knowing what she's responsible for versus what she's not responsible for that Monterey or that refrain was and that's on them.

46

00:06:44.220 --> 00:06:53.580

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Okay, and that's on them so she'd be relating a story to me and say how the situation happened that she had this reaction and they had this reaction.

47

00:06:53.910 --> 00:07:00.540

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And how in she realized in the past, she would have taken responsibility for their feelings or tried to.

48

00:07:00.870 --> 00:07:11.460

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You know, do something to placate or to try to fix how they were feeling and she started saying nope that's on them or that's on her that's on him that's on them.

49

00:07:12.000 --> 00:07:22.740

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: In other words, that wasn't on her that no words that's not on me that's on them, and I think that's an extremely important skill.

50

00:07:23.250 --> 00:07:31.680

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: that we need to learn to develop, especially those of us who are change makers and feel very responsible for trying to make a difference and feeling very.

51

00:07:31.950 --> 00:07:42.810

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Like we have this power this ability or this responsibility for making other people's lives better is it's a really important skill to be able to separate and distinguish.

52

00:07:43.260 --> 00:07:52.440

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Between what's on me like what am I responsible for what was my mistake, how did I show up in a way that maybe wasn't entirely helpful.

53

00:07:53.220 --> 00:08:01.920

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You know what was my subconscious reaction, or what was what was triggering me and to look at our part of the interaction.

54

00:08:02.610 --> 00:08:12.960

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and take responsibility for our part of that interaction, but then whatever we're not responsible for and that's not on us that's on them.

55

00:08:13.410 --> 00:08:21.360

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Or maybe it's on someone else but the point is it's really important to develop that skill that awareness.

56

00:08:21.810 --> 00:08:29.640

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And then the choices that we make around that awareness that has to do with with separating between what's on me what am I responsible for.

57

00:08:29.850 --> 00:08:39.360

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: What do I actually have power over what were the choices that I made in this interaction that may have resulted in certain things, or where I made a mistake or.

58

00:08:39.630 --> 00:08:44.640

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: I misunderstood, or what happened So what is it that I need to take responsibility for versus what's on them.

59

00:08:45.360 --> 00:08:53.850

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And what is, you know how did they choose to respond, how did they choose to perceive things that are that are that are not in my control that are entirely in their control.

60

00:08:54.120 --> 00:09:03.870

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And to and to discern again and then to make choices from that moment, because a lot of times, as I said, what we often end up unconsciously doing.

61

00:09:04.140 --> 00:09:16.860

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Is thinking that were responsible, and therefore we make choices for other people's behaviors or around other people's behaviors to think that maybe we need to make them feel differently than they do, and the reality is how they feel is on that.

62

00:09:17.310 --> 00:09:28.230

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: If we have done something to cause them some kind of pain, or to trigger the trigger I shouldn't say that or let's put it this way, if if I say something to deliberately triggered.

63

00:09:28.920 --> 00:09:33.570

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Or to deliberately hurt you or to deliberately make you feel a certain way, then that's on me.

64

00:09:34.350 --> 00:09:38.910

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: that's on me and I need to take responsibility for those behaviors and I need to understand.

65

00:09:39.210 --> 00:09:53.280

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Why, I said those things or did those things What was it that was maybe triggered inside of me, or what was the part of me that was causing me to behave that way, and so I can take responsibility, but then how they respond to that is on them.

66

00:09:54.060 --> 00:10:07.320

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And that may be their response is was the or maybe or make that, let me just put this way that i'm responsible for that, but maybe if I said something like genuinely didn't mean to offend or.

67

00:10:07.830 --> 00:10:14.610

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You know I didn't know that was a trigger for them, you know, I was really acting from good intentions or or or work.

68

00:10:15.120 --> 00:10:25.770

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And that's where to good intentions can get kind of tough, because some people have good intentions and the other results aren't so good, and so we also have to take responsibility for that, but my point is it's about being aware of.

69

00:10:26.550 --> 00:10:38.220

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: of how we're showing up and why we're showing up in that way, and then taking responsibility for that making amends do whatever we've got to to you, but then, but then recognizing that you know what.

70

00:10:38.610 --> 00:10:43.500

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You know what that the other stuff is is belongs to the other person so.

71

00:10:44.280 --> 00:10:55.470

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And I should also say this to that a lot of times, this is really common and as women, and I know men can do it, too, but especially with us when they were oftentimes taught that other people's feelings are more important than our own.

72

00:10:55.890 --> 00:11:00.270

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: or were taught that we have to be the peacekeepers or the other people.

73

00:11:02.100 --> 00:11:15.240

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: That were responsible for basically how other people feel and that, unfortunately, that we end up then taking on more responsibility and making choices around that, then we really should.

74

00:11:15.810 --> 00:11:35.430

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And it's exhausting and it's and it's not fair for ourselves, last week I did an episode about self care it's not self caring to make ourselves responsible for how other people feel if we didn't necessarily do something or cause something that caused to cause that level of reaction.

75

00:11:36.810 --> 00:11:40.260

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: I want to give another example that I had more recently as well with friends.

76

00:11:40.950 --> 00:11:53.430

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: In which I did this and I looked at, you know what it so this person got really, really upset about something or actually about a lot of things, but the point is that.

77

00:11:54.030 --> 00:12:04.410

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: When this person got really upset I it hurt it hurt because they got really upset at me and they blasted me, even though I wasn't responsible for what someone else had done.

78

00:12:04.800 --> 00:12:13.950

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: i'm going to try i'm gonna try to share the story without sharing too many details, but basically I showed up for this event, been invited by this friend when I showed up.

79

00:12:15.000 --> 00:12:29.100

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: I can already see that she was upset and so I said what's going on, are you okay geez talk about it, she said no, she didn't want to okay that's fine, but I wanted her to know that I care and then what ended up happening was.

80

00:12:30.180 --> 00:12:40.290

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: She left because she had to deal with something but meanwhile we were with all of a sudden, people who we didn't know and because they'd all been invited by her anyway, a member of this group.

81

00:12:40.620 --> 00:12:45.930

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: ends up going to a restaurant and a member of that group she showed up with this group of people, and then.

82

00:12:47.040 --> 00:12:57.990

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: ordered a bunch of food and then took off disappeared and so that left us with a food bill or large food bill for which we were not responsible.

83

00:12:58.590 --> 00:13:01.500

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And, on the one hand and talked about well, should we just pay for it.

84

00:13:02.010 --> 00:13:11.280

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And then I you know I wasn't the only one who said no, I don't think that's Okay, even though, like we could afford to pay for it, we didn't feel that that was really.

85

00:13:11.880 --> 00:13:31.260

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: respectful of ourselves and certainly what he done was not respectful of us and and whether he was aware of them well it's a long story, but anyway, the point is that we chose to send out a message to him on the group thread to have him pay for it and what happened was.

86

00:13:32.280 --> 00:13:40.440

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: I realized i'm getting a little too much into detail so i'm actually going to back off, but the point is that there were a series of events that happened, and then the next morning.

87

00:13:40.920 --> 00:13:45.090

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: This friend and we're getting really, really mad at me about the whole situation.

88

00:13:45.600 --> 00:13:58.860

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And the point is really hurt to have forget me because I was acting you know with the faith and I was also just trying to hold someone accountable for what they will responsible for the viewer not responsible for.

89

00:13:59.370 --> 00:14:04.200

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And, unfortunately, the way this other person handle it was not good and.

90

00:14:04.830 --> 00:14:13.620

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And unfortunately, I actually and everything ended up being a tone for at least that night but I got blasted the next morning by this friend.

91

00:14:14.160 --> 00:14:19.830

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And it really, really hurt and even, and so what I did was I did, that person that and I was like okay.

92

00:14:20.220 --> 00:14:26.580

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: i'm you know what part of this is mine, because I felt pain and I thought well what you know and and.

93

00:14:27.000 --> 00:14:32.340

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: I thought, what part of this is mine, and so there was there was a small part of it that I could see.

94

00:14:32.640 --> 00:14:40.410

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: that she could be upset at me for and, from my perspective is based on a misunderstanding because we had all these communication channels going.

95

00:14:40.710 --> 00:14:49.020

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: It was based on a misunderstanding so once I kind of parse it out, and I was like okay i'm responsible for this part, so you know what I need to apologize for this part.

96

00:14:49.530 --> 00:14:56.070

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But then I was being blamed for all this other stuff and I thought, am I responsible for that hmm.

97

00:14:56.910 --> 00:15:10.530

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: No i'm really not actually this other person was responsible for that or like she was responsible for that or you know or in this situation, she ended up taking on more responsibility than she needed to take on.

98

00:15:10.860 --> 00:15:21.810

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: because, frankly, it was like she was feeling like she had to do you know do certain things that actually knowing it actually asked her to do, but she had taken on the responsibility.

99

00:15:22.080 --> 00:15:29.310

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And unfortunately instead she ended up getting angry at me for that part, so I saw how it was this so speaking of like what's mine what's there's.

100

00:15:29.670 --> 00:15:34.050

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: This was a big pattern, so this basically where it's like.

101

00:15:34.530 --> 00:15:47.310

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Certain people responsible for their behaviors some people were not taking responsibility, some people were taking too much responsibility and then some people were blaming the wrong people for the mixer.

102

00:15:47.820 --> 00:15:50.160

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so it was just a bit you know and then.

103

00:15:50.760 --> 00:16:01.980

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Anyway, and so it was just a big mix sense, and it was, and it was obviously more than just between two people, and so this was a great kind of moment to even practice this for like what am I responsible for.

104

00:16:02.310 --> 00:16:10.380

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: What are other people responsible for, and so the way I handle that I apologize for my part, so i'm really sorry that I didn't do this thing.

105

00:16:10.710 --> 00:16:14.730

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: I thought that this is the case, but i'm still going to apologize, I apologize for that.

106

00:16:15.090 --> 00:16:22.260

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But then I said there's pairs where there's a misunderstanding, you are not expected to take responsibility for this and I just want you to know that.

107

00:16:22.620 --> 00:16:27.150

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And then I went further, and I see you know it sounds like last night, was a really tough night for you.

108

00:16:27.510 --> 00:16:34.590

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But she was already a lot of pain so she was already probably triggered by stuff and then the whole situation added on so I wanted to show some traction.

109

00:16:34.980 --> 00:16:42.420

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And I just said i'm really sorry I said, I am here, you know if you need to talk about any of this, you know it sounds like it was really tough my general.

110

00:16:43.050 --> 00:16:56.280

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And then, meanwhile, so handled it that way, but then also I had to take care of my own feelings, because even though I could see and I hope, by the way, that my telling you this helps you to come a look at situations in your life, where you can go, you know.

111

00:16:57.300 --> 00:17:00.390

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You know I feel like I get blamed for things that aren't my fault.

112

00:17:01.080 --> 00:17:11.670

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: or even though I can parse this out, you know what it still hurts, and so this is all by way of saying that like so I sort of said that I sort of handle what I knew was my part of it.

113

00:17:12.090 --> 00:17:19.920

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: and also our extended my hand of support and compassion and said, you know i'm really sorry that that was so upsetting and i'm here to listen.

114

00:17:20.340 --> 00:17:28.650

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You know, even after she'd like going to be for things but I thought, well, we are all in pain we all experienced painful things.

115

00:17:29.190 --> 00:17:38.250

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But then I had to take care of myself, too, because it because, even though I understood intellectually what was going on, and even though I was aware.

116

00:17:38.850 --> 00:17:45.990

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: That it wasn't you know, anyway, even though I take responsibility, I still had, I still felt to me that.

117

00:17:46.500 --> 00:17:54.930

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You know it's like even though you can kind of understand the situation, the dynamics of the situation you're still the emotional reaction there's still the.

118

00:17:55.170 --> 00:17:59.790

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You know, because it's like an energetic attack even, and so I still felt hurt by that.

119

00:18:00.090 --> 00:18:12.030

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And I also felt hurt because I felt like i've been wrongly accused, I felt like my positive intentions and my desire to connect with her had been rebuffed and instead turned into me not caring.

120

00:18:12.360 --> 00:18:23.100

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And that was not fair and that hurt and that also, and this is another part of parsing it out, then also triggered some of my stuff or I realized that some of my stuff that had been triggered.

121

00:18:23.550 --> 00:18:35.070

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And that actually part of my reaction and part of my pain was because of having a history of having been wrongly accused of things, or having had negative motivations projected onto me.

122

00:18:35.880 --> 00:18:46.200

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so i've looked at that and I process that you know I drew some of it out talk to my husband about it because I was just needed to vent it out, but then I felt like okay.

123

00:18:46.650 --> 00:18:57.060

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And I felt better and again looked at it did I take care of my desk I took care of my part and that's, all I can do, and even though this person may still be mad at me.

124

00:18:57.420 --> 00:19:11.220

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You know I really can't control that I feel like i've done my part here's another thing that I want to add, I actually had other friends, since then, who are involved in the whole situation as how this person is doing and I said.

125

00:19:12.330 --> 00:19:14.940

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You know, and I said she was really upset and.

126

00:19:16.470 --> 00:19:23.400

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But, but they were like, why are you going to reach out to her again and I said no, I don't know if I will and here's why and maybe I will at some point if you're smart.

127

00:19:23.760 --> 00:19:29.370

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Because this is another thing, too, is how much energy, do we want to put into this situation.

128

00:19:29.970 --> 00:19:39.900

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Because it's some point, maybe we're putting too much energy into it or going back into that trying to bring that person back in or reconnect so that we can feel better.

129

00:19:40.200 --> 00:19:45.840

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And I thought, no, no, what I sort of put it out there, I left it in her hands and she can choose what she wants to respond.

130

00:19:46.140 --> 00:19:53.370

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So, again we're not responding Maybe she won't but again that's what we're talking about what is mine.

131

00:19:53.580 --> 00:20:06.420

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And what is theirs, and what is someone else's and how these things can get really mixed up and because of our emotional reactions to the situation everyone's a little bit different and we all have different layers of why and how we react.

132

00:20:06.870 --> 00:20:12.570

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But because of everybody's reaction to the situation, it can be hard to untangle to disentangle that.

133

00:20:12.930 --> 00:20:14.700

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But it's really important that we do.

134

00:20:14.970 --> 00:20:23.610

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Because it's super important when we recognize that maybe we're taking too much responsibility for that person's choices, or that person's reactions.

135

00:20:23.790 --> 00:20:35.670

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Or maybe we're not taking enough responsibility, maybe we're reacting defensively like Oh, whatever and it's their problem when really actually some of it might be, we might be responsible for some of it.

136

00:20:36.060 --> 00:20:45.180

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: In that moment, when my friend got really angry at me I could have been like screw her you know she doesn't get it, but instead I thought well wait.

137

00:20:45.750 --> 00:21:00.630

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: What part of it, am I responsible for there was a small part that I could see against not ill intention, but I could see how that upset her so I take responsibility for it, but just because she's having this huge reaction doesn't mean that I.

138

00:21:01.140 --> 00:21:05.160

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: need to react with the same amount of energy or also need to.

139

00:21:05.790 --> 00:21:21.150

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Do to take responsibility or or a need to take the blame for something that even if she's blaming me for something it doesn't mean it's my fault my mom once taught me a really great statement, and that was, and I think she learned this in her work with child about.

140

00:21:22.920 --> 00:21:24.720

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Because she's a psychotherapist I may have mentioned.

141

00:21:26.130 --> 00:21:38.580

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: that she said just because someone's angry at you doesn't mean you did anything wrong so that's a great thing to remember, just because someone's angry.

142

00:21:39.720 --> 00:21:43.950

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: or sad it doesn't mean you actually did anything wrong.

143

00:21:44.970 --> 00:21:55.650

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Again, that can be a great statement to remind yourself up and again in the in the as you as you look at that and you consider that question in any situation.

144

00:21:55.980 --> 00:22:04.860

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You could be like well actually I didn't do this part or did I showed up and not the greatest way in this part, so you do have this little bit to take responsibility for.

145

00:22:05.280 --> 00:22:09.210

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Or to be like you know they're absolutely right, I did screw what.

146

00:22:09.480 --> 00:22:20.580

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: It is, it was my fault and maybe I didn't mean it at the timer I didn't realize it at the time, but now that i'm realizing that I am responsible for that okay so maybe maybe you did do something wrong.

147

00:22:21.000 --> 00:22:29.220

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And they got angry for it so that's important to recognize too, but a lot of times what we can tend to do is when someone's angry at us.

148

00:22:29.460 --> 00:22:37.950

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: To take too much we take on the responsibility of trying to make them feel better or calm them down or maybe being defensive and saying screw them.

149

00:22:38.250 --> 00:22:49.020

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: that's not you know the case for me and that's just us trying to protect ourselves in some way or another, you should based in childhood sometimes based in from my experiences as adults.

150

00:22:49.530 --> 00:22:59.700

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But it can often be because we're trying to take care of their feelings for time to care of our own films, or both, that by taking care of their feelings we feel like we're protecting ourselves from getting.

151

00:23:00.210 --> 00:23:05.970

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: That fixed we're taking care of our feelings to realize i'm sort of like it's all kind of tangled up but that's how.

152

00:23:06.330 --> 00:23:17.280

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Relationships tend to be, but the best way that we can approach any sort of complicated situation like that is to take responsibility for what's ours and.

153

00:23:17.640 --> 00:23:28.440

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: leave the rest of them, meaning that's on them if they have their part in it, so leave it up to them and also, I want to say something really important.

154

00:23:29.580 --> 00:23:42.090

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Is that we might see that they are reacting that way, especially those of us who are very empathic those of us who are in the emotional feeling space love, I obviously am.

155

00:23:42.450 --> 00:23:55.110

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: We can tend to want to analyze or try to understand from speaker perspective and then sometimes we even want to tell that person I used to do this, tell that person well.

156

00:23:55.440 --> 00:24:00.450

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: sounds like you know you must have this trigger that trigger you know what.

157

00:24:00.840 --> 00:24:06.660

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: If if there's an intuitive sense that it would be helpful to bring in that information, then by all means do that.

158

00:24:06.900 --> 00:24:11.310

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: If the person hasn't asked for it and we might be actually violating a boundary and also.

159

00:24:11.550 --> 00:24:23.190

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: It might be another way that we're trying to fix their feelings or trying to protect ourselves from how they're feeling hoping that may be available to them selves and they'll do their inner work, but let me tell you something.

160

00:24:23.880 --> 00:24:31.110

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: It is not our job to do other people's inner work for them.

161

00:24:31.950 --> 00:24:37.650

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: It is not our job, and as we try to make it our job we can often end up really disappointed.

162

00:24:37.950 --> 00:24:44.970

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And we could end up with some backlash from them for trying to do what is ultimately their responsibility.

163

00:24:45.210 --> 00:24:58.590

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So we may see stuff going on with them that they may not even be aware of, but it doesn't mean it's our job to feel that it does not mean it's our job to fix them is only our job to listen to our own Truth.

164

00:24:58.890 --> 00:25:09.330

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: figure out what's ours, you know, let go of what's not ours and then make choices accordingly from there i'm going to say that again, it is not your job.

165

00:25:10.050 --> 00:25:13.500

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: To do other people's inner work for them.

166

00:25:13.980 --> 00:25:25.350

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Their inner work is their job it's their responsibility they're responsible for their own inner selves for their own inner worlds and their own triggers those blocks, etc.

167

00:25:25.590 --> 00:25:35.880

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: We can offer support or maybe resources if they're open, but it is not our job to do it for them, there have been times in my relationship and I like both both my husband and I we're very.

168

00:25:36.330 --> 00:25:41.670

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You know, we talk about our emotions all the time and process stuff together and help each other.

169

00:25:41.970 --> 00:25:55.800

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But there have been a few times when like i've had a persistent reaction or he's had a you know persistent reaction when we've hashed it out, maybe argued about it, and then, finally, like, speaking for myself finally i'll be like we weren't.

170

00:25:56.370 --> 00:26:05.160

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You need to look at this like you need to do your own work, because I can't help you with this, this is for you to look at the new do your work.

171

00:26:05.550 --> 00:26:12.450

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so, sometimes that's come from also me in my relationship with my wonderful husband, you know we do process things.

172

00:26:12.630 --> 00:26:18.210

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Where it's kind of like wait a minute i'm doing too much work here this isn't my job and I keep running into this situation.

173

00:26:18.420 --> 00:26:25.800

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And meanwhile he's not actually doing the work on self to fix this problem, you know to fix this power and vice versa, you know, he said that to me is that we weren't.

174

00:26:26.370 --> 00:26:31.590

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: You know that's something that you need to work on, you need to look at why you keep putting this reaction to the situation.

175

00:26:31.980 --> 00:26:42.180

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: And so we do that with each other is we put it back on each other if we see that the other person isn't doing the work necessary to fix that pattern of behavior.

176

00:26:42.690 --> 00:26:45.420

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Or that pattern and our relationship of interaction.

177

00:26:46.080 --> 00:26:54.540

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So that's something that's important to do, especially even and especially with your closest relationships and, hopefully, you have a partner.

178

00:26:54.780 --> 00:27:05.250

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Who can do that with you, and if they don't well that's a whole other issue, maybe you need to bring in a professional to help you the fat and to help other professional help you kind of disentangle.

179

00:27:05.760 --> 00:27:13.770

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: who's you know doing this and who's doing that or what's this person's perception and how is it affecting what's going on here I speaking of which.

180

00:27:14.220 --> 00:27:24.960

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: I have a TV show recommendation for you, believe it or not, it's called couples therapy it's on showtime and it's actual.

181

00:27:25.470 --> 00:27:36.780

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Actual couples therapist working with couples and it's so cool because, like i'm a couples therapist and what like my mother is, and I just totally Am I already been.

182

00:27:37.410 --> 00:27:46.590

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: There, because, frankly, because I could do whatever we need to do with the inner work, but when it comes to two people working you know, working with people together wow you're working with.

183

00:27:46.830 --> 00:27:54.900

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Two different you know bodies and beings who have their own sets of baggage and layers of stuff and triggers and everything.

184

00:27:55.200 --> 00:28:04.920

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: But anyway, I highly recommend this show couples therapy, because you watch, you can actually see how she starts to tease out help them tease out.

185

00:28:05.370 --> 00:28:14.940

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: What you know also was or why did you react this way and where does that come from it all will notice how you actually react to this way or you're making her responsible and responsible for this.

186

00:28:15.420 --> 00:28:27.840

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Really fascinating to watch, so if you're into that kind of stuff I highly recommend it my husband and I actually kind of geek out on it and it takes us they're only half hour episodes but they take us like an hour to get through, because we're constantly pausing.

187

00:28:28.170 --> 00:28:40.860

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: To talk about what's going on, so anyway, I hope, this has been helpful in in really becoming more aware and developing a skill it's an awareness and a skill.

188

00:28:41.310 --> 00:28:58.200

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: To stop and go hold on what's mine and what do I need to take responsibility for what do I have control over in terms of my part of things and what's the there's what is on them what's their responsibility to quote my my.

189

00:28:58.680 --> 00:29:02.190

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: delightful client, he says and that's on them.

190

00:29:02.910 --> 00:29:15.270

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: she's doing that because she's coming becoming so much more empowered within herself that now she can see immediately well that's not my job that's their job, and you know what they can handle it they're an adult.

191

00:29:15.990 --> 00:29:30.720

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: They have resources, you know very intelligent people or what have you they can handle that that's for them to handle and only responsible for my stuff so use my client is inspiration and maybe even my stories inspiration, as you look at some of your.

192

00:29:31.440 --> 00:29:38.850

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: conflicted relationships or maybe you have sort of repeated conflicts in your life in which you know this keeps happening.

193

00:29:39.690 --> 00:29:44.190

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Or, or when whenever you, you know are having to deal with someone who's really.

194

00:29:45.120 --> 00:29:54.120

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: behaving in a way that's just not conducive to good communication, the connection safe connection that you know that may be helpful to come to look at it and go wait a minute how.

195

00:29:54.480 --> 00:30:00.840

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Where my in my mind i'd be taking on too much responsibility for where my ID deflecting my responsibility.

196

00:30:01.350 --> 00:30:14.610

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: Just to try to protect myself and defend myself, so I hope this is helpful, as always, my name is Emily Eldredge with ChangeLight.world ChangeLight Inner Work for Greater Good. Thank you so much, as always, and I will.

197

00:30:15.660 --> 00:30:22.770

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: I might see you next week I might not going to be in Spain for retreats going to do for change makers actually it's going to be amazing.

198

00:30:23.490 --> 00:30:32.250

Emily Eldredge | ChangeLight: So i'm not sure sure that I might replace show, but any case, maybe i'll see you next week or maybe i'll see you a week after all right we'll talk to you again bye.


bottom of page